Breaking the Cycle
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| Tue, 05-04-2004 - 5:34pm |
Just to bring you up-to-date: After OM went to his Pre-Cana weekend and gave me his "I'm starting over" speech, he came back and began pursuing me more than ever. I managed to avoid him for almost 2 weeks. The only communication was through e-mail and a couple of phone calls. Last Friday, we were supposed to go to a district-wide retirement dinner together. After some thought, I told him I would meet him there.
The day of the dinner we had a district-wide "teacher in service day", which is where all of the teachers in the district go to one building for professional improvement. Well, OM was there, of course. I played it cool and tried to avoid him, but he kept following me around to talk. At one point, I was sitting outside during one of the breaks with a friend. He walked by talking on his cell phone (later found out he was talking to his fiancee' who was leaving to go out of town for the weekend) and looking over at me. I still avoided him, not really wanting to talk too much at that type of event.
Later in the day, he text messaged me to find out if we were still going to the dinner together, I said again that I would meet him there. So we go to the dinner and during cocktail hour we talked a little bit, with each other and walked around mingling together. We were at different tables, but we kept exchanging looks all night, when something funny happened, or when certain people walked by.
After the dinner a group was going out to the local bar to get some drinks. OM asked if I wanted to go, and offered to have me drop off my car first (the bar is only 1/2 mile from my house). So...fast forward to the bar...he basically is saying to me the whole time how beautiful I look, saying that he "misses" me, that he wants to talk more about this. We flirt a little bit, and a few times he discreetly touched my arm or leg. Finally I noticed that we were the last ones there from our group. We stayed for a bit, talking and laughing, then I said I thought I should go home. We got in the car and drove around for a while talking...ended up kissing a little bit, nothing major, and held each other. He got upset, telling me that he was "confused" and wasn't sure what he wanted. He said he pulled away before Pre-Cana because his intention was to end the A, but now he felt like he couldn't. He said a lot of things about how much I have affected his life in a positive way, and how he wants to always be a part of each other's lives. It was very emotional. He said that he knows this isn't right, and that it's not fair to his fiancee', but that he cares for me and doesn't want our R to end. I asked him why he was with me if his R with fiancee' is good - he said that although it is a good R in the sense that they love and care about each other, they do have issues, and there are things "missing" from their R.
Before he dropped me off we kissed again, and he suggested that we take a day off from school this week to spend the day together to see if we could talk some more about everything. Tomorrow was supposed to be our day together (something we have never done before), we were going to go out for lunch, maybe to a movie. Coincidentally, his fiancee is coming home from her trip tonight.
So...I get an e-mail this afternoon that he can't take tomorrow off after all, he has things at school that he has to do, etc. Basically, he's feeling guilty because she is coming home and he feels that it's wrong to spend the day with me.
This brings me to the present. I am sitting here typing, not sure if I am looking for suggestions/advice/support. He left a message on my cell phone to call him today before 7 (he has to pick her up from the airport) to talk. I am not calling him back.
I don't know what I want. I want the cycle to end, but for some weird reason, I don't want the A (if it even is that anymore) to end. I don't know...I guess I'm just looking to vent.
Thanks for listening! I really appreciate this board on a day like today :)
-Circe

Hi Circe,
I've been wondering how things were going in your part of the world. I'm proud of you for holding off and doing some serious thinking.
I absolutely do not understand how a man will ask to continue an affair while making plans to move forward with marriage. It sounds to me like he needs to decide what he really wants, you or her. I also sounds like you need to decide as well. I don't think you'll be very happy if he goes ahead and marries her. It's one thing to run into someone and have to resign yourself to being second to prior commitments. Its a whole different level when those commitments are still at a place where they can be changed.
If I had any advice, it would be to stay strong. He may still decide to marry his fiance, but if he can have you both, he definitely will. If you want him for yourself, now is the time to be firm. ::hugs:: I know how hard that is. When you really want someone in your life, you get tempted to settle for whatever you can have. Just keep thinking about the issues and what you really want. Either way, and including if you decide you're perfectly content with being his mistress, we're here for you.
Good luck and keep us posted.
Cazrida
Ironically, I felt much stronger after he made the big post-Pre Cana proclamation than I do right now. I am not sure why...
For now, I am trying to keep myself busy, and somewhat unavailable to him. Giving him space seems to be the only way that I can handle this. I am definitely trying to stay strong and not give in too much. It was really hard the other night to stop at kissing. Either way, this is just another twist in the road that has been my A, I guess...
Thanks again for responding, Caz!
:)
Circe
I was deliberately cordial, not too friendly, but not too distant. If my hunch is correct, he'll respond to it tonight and I'll get a barrage of e-mails from him tomorrow. Who knows? This is the only way that I can deal with this right now, and it seems to be working somewhat. I think complete NC would be too difficult, and the usual amount of contact that we used to have would be too much, so this is somewhere in between.
I guess it's another wait and see week for me... lol
:)
Circe