butterflies .... from a single girl

Avatar for zookittie
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2003
butterflies .... from a single girl
4
Sat, 11-29-2003 - 12:08am
This is pretty long ... I have a lot on my mind and need to get it off ...

Over the past month or so I have been lurking around this board and a few others trying to get some perspective on what I am doing. I am 30 and single and in late September met an incredibly wonderful man. I knew he was married when I met him. Things started off really slow, an occasional phone call, an IM here and there. After a few weeks my conscience got the better of me because his wife saw us together one day and she confronted him and he told me so I told him that we could just be friends and he was sad but said OK if that was the way he could have me then that is what he would do. Well in mid October I had to go out of state to take of my dad who had just had triple by pass surgery. My MM knew and knew that it was going to be very stressful for me. While I was out of state my MM had to travel a lot for business and so was able to call me everyday and we talked for hours. We both got back to town around the same time and I had picked him up a little gift while I was out of state. He called me when he got in and I asked him if he could stop by to pick it up before heading home, he did and that was the first time we kissed. Things picked up pretty quick from there, lots more phone calls, lots more IMs. We even got to see eachother a lot more. Then on Halloween morning all hell broke loose. He IMed me not to call him that day b/c his W was gonna be in the office with him all day. I told him that I was here for him if he needed me and to let me know what happened. Well that afternoon she called me. She called me from his phone and she knew that I would pick up seeing his number. Well she asked me to leave them alone, not her, not him, but them. I was in shock and really not sure what to do. I was expecting a phone call from him a few minutes later apologizing, but did not get one until the next day. I was pretty upset at him for waiting that long, but he said that was the soonest he could get away. Well at that point, I told him that I could not do this anymore that I deserved better and he agreed, so we went NC. It was really hard, I dreamt about him, missed him, even got chest pains one day from missing him so much. During that time I was reading the Ending an Affair board and realized that even though my heart was hurting really bad b/c he was not around that I did the right thing. Well something one day on that board struck me and I thought he needed to know it too, I can not remember what it was, but I emailed it to him, breaking the NC. We continued to email back and forth for a week or so. I asked him how things were at home and he said that they were fine. I was amazed at that, but then I have never been M, so I dont know how things should have been. Then one night he and his W went out and he got DRUNK and sent me a text message, saying BOO. I called him the day after he sent me that message b/c he sent me an e-mail apologizing, saying it was out of line and that he'd be in the office all day. So, I called him in the office and we talked for a long time. We got a lot off our chests about how we felt for eachother and what was going on. We both agreed that somehow we were falling in love with eachother. Since then we have seen eachother a few times but do not talk on the phone much at all. He thinks his W has bugged his office and car and she checks his cell phone when he comes home. When he does call, he calls from pay phones. A few weeks ago he decided he wanted to "consumate" our relationship so we have made plans for that in a week. Since then we have seen eachother a few times and he has changed. When we saw eachother before NC he was very nervous when we were in public and would not stand very close to me even when we were far from his workplace, but now he will hold my hand and kiss me and is very at ease no matter where we are. He also used to be sooo ticklish around me that I could barely touch him and now I can scrach him and rub him and he is not ticklish at all, but he still is around his W. Here's the kicker and the main reason I am writing this. When we started seeing eachother again my stomach went nuts. I had knots and butterflies like I have never had before. I was eating b/c I had to but even drinking water would make my stomach really upset. The only thing that made it better was seeing him and it has stayed just fine until tonight. We live in a major city and so the chances of us bumping into eachohter is pretty slim. But tonight the chance was pretty good because there was a parade downtown then they lit the Christmas tree. Earlier in the week I made plans to go with another friend of mine and his kids. I mentioned to MM that we were gonna go and he said that they were probably gonna take their kids too, we both thought it would be funny ( in a nervous way ) if we ran into eachother. He said if we did that he would turn white as a sheet. Well tonight when I got in the car to head downtown those same knots in my stomach came back. I had them the entire time I was downtown and still have them. Part of me wanted to see him, just so I could get a glimpse and a wink, but the other part of me did not because I did not want to see him with his W. After the lights, I went shopping to get some candles for our upcoming event and everytime I leaned down to pick some out I got dizzy coming back up. I just got a text message from him telling me that he misses me and I was thinking that the knots and butterflies would go, but they have not and now I am even partly shaking. I wonder what the butterflies and knots mean ? Has anyone else ever had them ? What did yours mean ? What did you do to make them stop ?

Thanks for any help / advice you can give me.

:-)

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2003
Sat, 11-29-2003 - 9:48am
Hi, I'm not single but have been in a simular situation. I had those same feelings a few months back when starting my A....you're obviously living, breathing and thinking about this man constantly. It takes such a mental toll on you and has now turned physical. Can't really explain it myself....my A is wonderful, but seems to be more of a sexual thing for him although he says otherwise.....my heart became even more involved after we made love. It is either wonderful or it's not on any given day, no in between. Very stressful and quite frankly wish I'd never started it. I know it's not something you want to hear but quite frankly if you have sex with him you are going to fall more in love and it will be HARDER than ever for you...you think it's bad now, just wait and see. Walk away while you still can since you're at a point where you can. This board has given me wonderful advice...I'm six months in and see no light at the end, (which is good and bad). If your MM has kids that even adds to this mix as more than likely he's not leaving.....personally I'd get the ground rules more clear before having sex with him so you can more easily deal with what's about to come which will be absolute wonderful feelings one day and earth shattering heartache the next as you really can't have him as you want and will usually always come second in his life, if you think you have the fortitude to handle that, then enjoy it. I TRULY wish you good luck. M.
Avatar for zookittie
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2003
Sat, 11-29-2003 - 12:06pm
Hi M

I know I need to stop it before it starts but for some reason my heart feels too much and I do not know why. I was in a relationship for almost 5 years and I walked away from that a year ago not b/c I wanted to but b/c I had to and I need to do the same here but the pull is so great and I can not figure out why ....

thanks for listening

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-11-2003
Sat, 11-29-2003 - 2:59pm
Well i have read your message a couple times and my heart really does go out to you. But let me say one thing. Right now you have so much more power than you think you do. My situation is different than yours. I am m and my mm and i have no intention of leaving our respective spouses. We are just having fun right now. BUt anyways...i have asked a few questions on this board and had ppl tell me to get out of my relationship with mm. Well uh...yah...easier said than done. I have never really thought that telling someone to get out of a relationship was really any kind of good advice becuz ppl will do what they want regardless of what others may say or advise. So i am not going to say that to you now. I say you have a lot of power becuz right now you have come to the fork in the road where you can make the decision to stay or go. The drive that is pulling you to stay is very intense and powerful...so much so it leaves us feeling powerless sometimes. Its like the force dictacts to us what to do next. IF you stay i am sure you will many wonderful moments and memories with this man. That is a given...since you both feel as strongly as you do with each other. IT will be difficult...and like the other poster said...some days your in the heavens...and others, you feel like a bull dozer has run you over and half the time you don't know why you feel like that. THe arrangement will work for you one day and then eat you up the next. IF you choose to walk away...the pain will be great, but in do time...will subside as you carry on with your life and try and make something of it. IF you stay...you will also have a great deal of pain with one difference...it doesn't go away until you choose for it to...by getting out.

IF you read a lot of the messages on this board...lots of ppl are hoping to eventually end up with their mm/om. Lots are staying in marriages for kids..and waiting for the mm/om to leave their marriage. In a few rare cases, they actually leave...read the posts...lots stay around for years in hopes of being with the mm/om and many times its unrealistic. Men need marriage more than women and will stay becuz they don't know how to manange with out it. They don't really know how to do it all...clean, work, shuffle the kids around etc.

What concerns me is that the w knows and has asked for you to leave them alone.

Please watch out for her, you never know how unstable someone could be if their marriage is being threatened.

SO ultimately...what is it you want? DO you want to be with this man exclusively or just have a casual fling? Ask your self that...and then ask yourself if its possible.

I hope that maybe some things i have said will make you really examine the scenerio and decide for yourself what is best.

Also...did you want to have kids...if you do...will you be able to being with this man?

Also, one last thing...if you were told you only have five years to live...what would you want in those five years. What would you want to accomplish? LIve your life like it is limited...because really, it is.

Please keep us up to date on what happens. We are hear for you. And i am truly concerned for you. I don't think I answered what the question you were asking...i just answered with what came to mind.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2003
Tue, 12-02-2003 - 12:28pm
Great advice Sabrina! Your words were very eloquent....this is why I come to this board, to 'hear' all of the differnt opinions and it's usually helpful in my desicion making.

Take care. M.