cake eaters/long termers question

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2007
cake eaters/long termers question
8
Thu, 03-25-2010 - 11:46am

hi all,

Haven't posted here a long time. Well, since the beginning of my A nearly 4 years ago. It was very crazy then and finally, we settled into what has been (until late) a really easy, fun and actually fulfilling, relationship. Not with out it's ups and downs of course and we now have a lot of history in being there for each other, through kids illness, financial crisis (last year oh boy), death of friends and family, life stuff.....but we ARE still cake eaters with no intention of becoming any different. I would say that for most of the R we have been very good for each other.

There have been times when he has chased me and times where I have chased him. (the worst) Unfortunately, we are in one of THOSE times where I feel like I am doing all the chasing. Work has picked up for him now and he is very preoccupied. (ugh) Lately we have been having little fights about mostly, (always) me getting my feelings hurt because of little stuff making me feel insecure. Sometimes I feel like such a nag and sooo needy. That said, he used to text me sexy little things, or even sweet things, plan our "days" together. We used to IM and cam but that has slipped away as well. That stuff has fallen off, and I feel like I am doing all planning. Any sexy texts I send him are replied to with "LOL"...leaving me like "huh?"

We had it out last week...layed it all out in the table...I have been obsessing about all these things for about a month...I worry that he seemed indifferent and I was chasing!! I accused him of not caring about me etc, etc...he accused me of pushing him to "a level of intimacy that he is not comfortable with". I assured him that I was not ...only missing the level we once had. Anyway, he raced up to my house the next day to talk. We decided we were still more happy than not and that we would keep on keeping on...he still calls everyday, asked me to lunch yesterday (we went, I looked cute and he DIDN'T comment (he always used to) but I broke down and let him know my availability for next week for a hotel day, because I was afraid he would not make a plan. (I'm starting my own business it's taking off and we are leaving on a family vacation at the end of the week. ) Kicking myself because I wish he would have ask me. He threw out a good day and we agreed that we would try. I let it go, but am worried that he will not take the ball so to speak.

All in all...i HATE feeling this lack of confidence in him. He has assured me that everything is OK, he cares, he's happy etc, etc. But still I feel very vulnerable and out of sorts. It's been a long run of "fineness" with both of us but I sense I shift and am starting to feel a bit crazy! I know that if I push for more answers he will end it or at least want a break because of the stress. He has been very cool with my temper tantrums this last 2 months and we are trying to recover from those. But ladies I get sooo mad (LOL) when I feel like he does not respect my time. I've even thought about ending it just to make my point.

That said, we decided we don't want to end it. I certainly do not want to try this with anyone else, nor does he. We do trust each other there and it's hard to find two people on the same page so to speak. And above all, sex is still oh so awesome. We've managed all that pretty well. We are however in a low spot. Or at least I am.

Long timers, How have you recovered from what I can only define as an Uncomfortable, Comfortablity? It's beginning to feel very husband/wife and less lover-like. I want him to chase me again. I want to be OK with things. I do not want to nag him or be pushy. I have limited my contact, I do not call him anymore if I can avoid it. Talk and re-hashing seems like torture for both of us. anyone else ever felt this way. If it was a new relationship, it would be over. I would have ended it. Or he would have because I'm acting so crazy.

any thoughts?

chech

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2009
Thu, 03-25-2010 - 1:55pm

Not sure what to tell you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2008
Thu, 03-25-2010 - 5:09pm
I don't have much time to post but I have been wth AP for almost 14 years. You need to lighten up a little. Even if it is killing you inside. Don't let him know how bad it is hurting you. He doesn't want the complaining and nagging...he can get that at home. The more I nag the more my AP will back off. We want our time to be fun and happy and if we are always complaining it is not any fun. When I put pressure on him to spend more time with me he pushes me away and says I am putting too much pressure on him. He feels like he is being pulled in a million different directions between his work, wife, kids, friends etc. He will come around when he has the time and if he doesn't then mabe it is time to end it. You have to figure out what you can and can't handle with what he can give you. You can't be obsessed with him all the time. He is not going anywhere. Gotta run Good Luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-15-2006
Thu, 03-25-2010 - 5:11pm

This is easy.


He needs to find out what it is like to not have you in his life.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2010
Fri, 03-26-2010 - 9:34am

chechi,

MM here.

I feel your pain and struggle, I really do. I was totally shook up by a lack of attention from my AP ( MW ) in December and January of this year. Like your AP, she was getting busy at work and with the holidays, time for me dwindled. I totally took it as her pulling away from me and it really messed me up. I am still feeling it in many ways. I often find myself questioning what she feels from me and where this whole thing is going. Perhaps my situation is a bit different in that I believe that I want a full relationship with her, which isn't really available to me today.

I agree with some of the other comments, that you have to do your best to give him some space. I also don't think it would be bad for you to pullback just a little, to show him that you too are capable of separating from him. I don't think he needs to feel threatened, but as a little reminder of what you mean to him, it seems like it might be okay.

As we know, The nature of an A is that APs don't always have time for each other. It doesn't mean their feelings have changed or that they aren't interested, it's just what it is. In my own situation, it has struck me that APs are much more sensitive to these moments than we would be if we were in a FULL relationship with the person.

Perhaps that is because we so desperately want the BIG HIGH in the limited moments that we get with our AP. I don't necessarily think it is a reflection of an "addiction", but rather the nature of the relationship; the passion and excitement is what brought us here. If you think back on other relationship you've had, how many unfolded that way? It is important for us to ask if is it realistic for every moment to be full of passion, excitement and high energy? I also think that it has something to do with feeling our APs presence. So, for those of us that are M, we know that there have been times when simply knowing our spouse was present comforts us. I think that can be hard in a LDR, but even more so in an A, when our APs may in fact be spending time with their spouse.

A lot of your AP's time is being taken up with work, which means less time for you (same happened to me).
Because he is busy at work and probably distracted, he doesn't seem to respond to your flirting (same happened to me).
Since he is busy and work and distracted, he doesn't have a ton of time to think about plans for the two of you (same happened to me).

For me, I am starting to realize the issue, and challenge, is mine and not hers. There was something posted on EAS recently that might help give you some context for what you are feeling, http://www.abandonment.net/abando.frame.html . I am not saying it will be completely true for you or that it is for me, but some of what is posted there might be helpful. Our APs got busy in other parts of their lives, so why did we interpret that to mean they were losing interest in us?

I hope the situation lightens up for you soon. Do your best to trust what your AP is telling you, but at the same time, give some thought to why his recent distraction has provoked these feelings for you. From what you describe, it sounds like he is still there with you, and is being honest about getting busy. Also, since you have been through the rollercoaster, you might simply try to be more present and supportive of him, and know that at some point the situation will reverse. IS there anyway you could stop thinking of it has chasing him and focus instead on being supportive of him. I think it'd be great to show him that you want him to be happy and succeed in his work, and you are willing to give him the space and support to do that.

Good luck,

MPV

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Fri, 03-26-2010 - 3:13pm

MPV,
Great post, thank you!!! My AP has been very busy lately as well and I'm feeling very much neglected. Your post has helped me identify my feelings. I want to be a good partner and be supportive so i'll give him the space he need at this time.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2007
Fri, 03-26-2010 - 3:32pm

yes, thanks to all for the posts.

I'm not above game playing!! I know he's in no hurry to go anywhere, believe me, I handed him the opportunity to go last week and he stayed. Not sure what has caused this shift in me though. Guess it's cyclical. Hard to pass up the call. We only talk once a day, maybe with a text or two thrown in. It's killing me to not take it. I work at home by myself all day so I'm always pretty free and alone. BUt I will not call him. I will not call him. I will not be pushy. I will be fun. No drama.

MPV- that article did make me cringe a bit. That could be me. I have the sweetest husband too. Jumps when I say jump. Just a great guy, but I'll admit there's little attraction in it for me. God that's so terrible. I really wish I did. I always knew he was safe. AP makes me CRAZY! I totally lust after him. He's not better looking than my husband, or in better shape and certainly not as loving. BUt here I am pining to you all in cyberspace about my jacked up relationship lol!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2010
Sun, 03-28-2010 - 2:17am
OK, maybe I am crazy, but it might be a good time to flirt a little bit with some new men...a little sexting maybe?
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-07-2009
Sun, 03-28-2010 - 11:52pm
What Jane is suggesting is a distraction to take ur focus off of AP....it works, and is how I found my guy actually