Can APs cheat? Mine did!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2009
Can APs cheat? Mine did!
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Wed, 09-08-2010 - 2:22pm

Some of you may recognize my situation. I'm MW in A with SM (for nearly 5 years). As with all As its very complicated, and even more-so by his insistence that I get divorced to be with him, despite his actions as a 'secret-player.'



"One" of his girlfriends recently contacted me and revealed that they've been in a physical relationship together

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2010
Wed, 09-08-2010 - 9:14pm
Good point Another. Funny thing about me - I've stood in line at the bank - more than once - to give back money because they gave me too much! I pointed out a mistake to a caterer when he didn't charge me enough. I've pointed out to waitresses the fact that they left something off a bill. But I have A's. I don't think having A's automatically makes me a "dishonest" person! I am dishonest about something in one situation - but not dishonest in mostly anything else. I picked a doozy to be dishonest about though...

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2000
Thu, 09-09-2010 - 2:39pm
Should you be upset that he's lied to you? Yes, of course. Just like your husband should be upset if he finds out you've been lying to him. Does that give him the right to do what he's obviously been doing? No. He owed you some explanation. Yes, you're cheating and lying to your husband. But that didn't stop him from getting involved with you. I do think you have a right to at least know what's going on in his personal life. However, that doesn't mean that he thinks you do or that he will tell you. Maybe it IS time for you to put this thing to rest. He's moving in with someone else.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2008
Thu, 09-09-2010 - 7:36pm

I don't know. I need things simple, and in a lot of this we're wrapping ourselves around an axle for no good reason. Fact of life: Those of is in A's (including our AP's, whether M or S) are cheaters. Cheaters lie. It's part of the deal. I have 2 AP's right now plus an H. None of them know about the other. When they ask, I deny. I'm already a cheat and a liar by cheating on my H so I don't see what difference it makes if I don't bother to share with APs what I'm doing. What they're up to with others is not my business either. But that's just me, like I said, I'm simple. YMMV.

-jana

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2010
Thu, 09-09-2010 - 8:15pm

I think the issue I would have with this is I don't know what you are doing with any of them. That is some safety issues. STD's and HIV are rampant these days. I think it is only fair that we know what we are exposing ourselves to.

AP knows I sleep with H. I know AP sleeps with his SO. We don't currently have IC. H and I have been tested for all STD's and HIV in the past few years. I know AP has as well so with all that said, the chances of us passing something to each other is minimal. But not knowing who are what AP is doing what with not only puts myself at risk it puts my H at risk. Something I definitely don't want to do.

I think sharing your sexual history and partners in an A is kinda important. I haven't been with anyone other than H in the last 10+ years, same for AP. He hasn't been with anyone but his SO in the last 10+ years. I know if he was messing around with someone else I would want to know so I could end it on my end.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2010
Fri, 09-10-2010 - 8:21am

I dont think that just because you lie to your dh, which I do as well, means you are a serial liar. Like the other poster said, we all lie , probably most of the time in one way or another.



I have a differing opinion of the single person in the relationship being free to go out and date and or sleep around while in the A with you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2010
Fri, 09-10-2010 - 8:53am
I agree Simplie. It's really not much different than single people who are having sex with each other. Even if there's no "commitment", you expect them to be honest with you about other sexual partners so you can decide who or what is safe. I know this seems hypocritical because we're not honest with our spouses about that, but we're counting on our OP to be honest with us to keep everyone safe. It's the reason I use protection if I do something sexually that needs protection (and there are things you can do that are safer than others and don't need protection - but we don't need a sex ed class LOL).

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Registered: 03-29-2010
Fri, 09-10-2010 - 9:01am

It makes sense to me Tangled. My OM is single, and I've told him I would not stop him from seeking out a gf, but he knows he has to be honest with me about it. I would not leave him right away if he started dating someone (but we use protection). Our agreement is that if it has the possibility of becoming serious, we would stop - more for his benefit. After all how could he really become intimate (not just sexually) if he was involved with me? He's not the type to "date around" with multiple partners or anything. In 11 years there have been two times he started dating someone.

I never want to say to him, "if you are even interested in someone you have to tell me because we would be over", because, really, that would be a huge incentive to him to either lie or to stop himself from even seeking out another person. It's been 11 years already. What's going to happen to him when he's old? I really do want him to find someone! I don't want him to be old alone, hating me for it. We are both not getting any younger (although he's younger than I am). I worry about what will happen to him.

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