Can it be too normal?
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| Wed, 03-24-2010 - 10:35am |
Even when if feels normal, it never really is.
I just spent 2 nights with my AP on a business trip. We had a lovely time together. Dinner alone; dinner with colleagues; private time; sharing a bed; being affectionate; being quiet; being normal.
We said goodbye this morning, both of us feeling happy. In some ways, it feels easy and simple; it feels normal. I enjoy feeling normal with her, but at some level, I know that it's not normal. We say goodbye and she's heading home to her real normal; her H and her Son...and me to my W and my son (to an extent).
As much as I enjoy feeling normal, I also don't want it to feel too normal. If it feels too normal, it'll just continue with no prospect for change. She doesn't worry about a future; she wants to enjoy today. I understand that and enjoy all of the time we get, but if it gets too normal, where's it going?
As happy and comforted I feel right now, there are days where I feel destined to be no more than her AP. I just can't imagine that ever being fully acceptable.
MPV

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As for D when kids are older or younger,everyone has their own theory.Some believe a D is better when kids are young-- have enough to get over the other parent,forget stuff,adjust to new environment a bit easily etc. while those who believe D when kids are older believe that kids are mature enough to handle and have a life of their own.
"I simply figure it gives her a reason and a timeline ( 10+ years ) over which she doesn't have to worry about facing the prospect of getting a D." I cant find proper words to bring my point across but I guess this is not true.She is hurting just herself now.Putting off the D for later will not hurt anyone but her and inturn you.I hope this makes sense.
Funky...
Thanks for adding some more thoughts. I am really trying to process your perspective, but I think I understand it. If you ask me honestly, I don't think my AP is really all that happy. In fact, she told me recently that the place where she feels most comfortable and safe is in our relationship. Oftentimes she seems to feel the world pressing against her and her having to be the caretaker to everyone in her life...her child, her husband, her mother, her work. I go WAY out of my way not to be any kind of a burden to her. I simply want her to know that I am there to support her and to be a source of strength for her.
Regarding your specific point <>
I do believe that she really loves me and cares for me. I'm not sure I can answer whether or not she wants to be with me. In many ways, she ACTS like she already IS with me...that our relationship is assumed ( normal ). To this end, we used to talk about a future, but have now settled into the A and don't talk about it very often. In some ways it is similar to any relationship that we might settle into. She's no longer fighting for the relationship; the relationship just is. Actually, perhaps I should say that I clearly have told her that I want a full relationship with her. Where that leads us, who knows. Obviously, she and I are both still married; though perhaps I am further along in wanting to clarify where things are at.
I really don't think she is pushing very hard at the moment to bring herself to a different/happy place. In fact, I think she has just gotten herself comfortable; happy or not...or happy, in whatever form she allows herself to feel it. Primarily, she has setup her life so that it revolves around her son, which is understandable and fine with me. I do wonder at times whether or not her son feels the effects of her not really being fully present in her M. I had that same struggle with my son, but felt that my moving out also set the lines much more clear. In this way though, I believe it has become easier for her to accept her life as it is, rather than do the hard work to make if different. There are days when I believe that she needs a push or reason to move. As i have said, I often wonder what would happen if she had a DDay.
One thing I know is that I can't make her happy. I can only be present and support her as best I can. She has to find her own happiness; as we all do.
MPV
I guess its quite simple-- you are competing against her child.When she has lost herself in front of her child,then my dear,you are nowhere!!!
Your AP seems to have decided to stay in her M for her child- happy or not.If she takes a D after 10 years,she would have given her son what she wanted but what she may not realize is that she will lose 10 years of her life as well.She sounds strong headed from your posts :)
As for her son realizing it ,I dont believe kids ever realize what their parents did for them,lol! He may grow up and be not thankful to her for caring about him first than about herself,like many women do nowadays.
All-in-all,I get a feeling that you have to either stay in A and be at peace with it or move on .
edited to add:
She doesnt want to be with you?huh? why ? Its confusing! You say you want a full relationship with her while she doesnt even want to be with you? What am I missing? something or everything?lol!!
Edited 3/31/2010 2:21 pm ET by funkygonepunky
MPV,
Going to fully admit to you that
Crazy2,
Thank you for sharing your thoughts. You gave me so much to think about and I admit it has really challenged me.
<>
I know that this is true for me and was the situation in my A for a LONG time. For the longest time, my AP was very clingy and would constantly seek my reassurance. She wanted to see me more and was asking me to move our relationship forward. As I said earlier, I sensed alot of this had to do with her M, but also with some "daddy issues" that she clearly has. I don't say that casually. She has told me directly in the past about the way her relationship with her Father has affected her romantic relationships.
I also believe this is true for my AP. I think she was suffering in her M and saw me as her "out". I honestly didn't want to be her "escape" at the time. In some ways I was worried that she wasn't moving towards me because of me, but rather because of the failure in her M and some idealized view that I could save her from that. A part of me could have jumped into the unknown with her, but I am certain it would have been a disaster for both of us. As mush as I struggle with the same, I need her to ultimately end her M from a place that makes sense to her, whether it's because it fails of it's own accord, or because of the existence of the A. For me, it's a combination of things, but the A plays a big role in my feelings.
<<...just because to you it seems she is all content in her M, does not mean she is.>>
So, I don't believe she is really happy or content in her M. Rather I think she is comfortable with the existence of her M in the context of our A. I know that the comfort and care that provide her is a crutch in her M. I have wondered what my AP would do if I ended our A. I don't know whether she would repair the things that are broken in her M, seek another A to fill the void, or just let her M be whatever it is.
<>
This really hit home for me. In a way, she is acting now in a way that is consistent with the framework that I asked her for in our A over the years. She wanted more but I could only give her so much, so she has adjusted her behavior to be inline with what she believes I could give her. In her own way she may just be in a place where she accepts it for what it is, because she doesn't want to be clingy and needy. That really does ring as true for me and something that I need to give a LOT of thought to. How could I expect her to act otherwise, when I have previously communicated ( in many ways ) that I was ready to give her more? I know that I am asking her for more now, but it has to be hard for her to trust that.
<>
I do think it is important to her that she not feel like the cause of the end of my M. I can understand that and I feel the same way; I think. I know it may sound strange, but I have felt a certain amount of empathy for her H. He doesn't deserve this situation anymore than my W does. I don't think about him often, but know that he deserves honesty as much as anyone else does.
<>
I do respect that she doesn't want to hurt anyone; her H or her son. Just as I struggle with the idea of abandoning my W and son, I am certain that some of this exists for her. As I have said, her parents got D when she was young and from what I gather, it put a lot of strain on her relationship with her Father and clearly affected her views of men. I know that it would be hard, if not impossible, for her to feel like she created some emotional distance between her H and her son. That said, I think she'd cope just fine if her H pushed to end the M. Interestingly though, early in the A, she was very committed to wanting her son to see her happy. Clearly, she wasn't happy in her M, but perhaps like you, she has found a way to turn that around, even if it is a form of "acting".
BTW...she is not an SAHM. She is a professional woman with a very demanding job, which has recently added some complexity to our A.
I may take you up on your offer to connect via email. I am very curious about other ways that you have managed your M.
MPV
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