Can someone please lend some advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Can someone please lend some advice
9
Mon, 01-05-2004 - 11:52pm
I met this guy back In Aug of 2003 and we have been involved in a sexual relationship ever since. He has a girlfriend he lives with and they are getting married sometime this year I believe. My situation is that while we have been having sex, there really are no emotions that are to be allowed per se in our relationship we have w/ with each other. He has told me it is just sex and nothing more. I on the other hand have been on this roller coster of the 'crush feelings' for him. Although I know i need to stop crushing on him, its like this rush of feelings i get and its always in the back of my mind. I know we'll never be together and such and I know i'll never see him in the same light his GF does. For someone that has a crush on someone, to know that, is really hard to handle - i mean obviously. I mean I wish I were a lightswitch and could just shut off my feelings but I cant. So i deal w/ this and sometimes i feel like just giving up. Just deleting him from everything, phone computer, etc. I cant take it anymore. It drains me.

Another issue and I just got done talking to him about it online is that when we first started having sex, it seemed more passionate in a sense. There was kissing and touching and the whole 9 yards. Now its like we dont kiss anymore because he said its 'just him' he is not into kissing too much. Well this is where my needs come into play. I need to be kissed and touch and such to arouse me, its natural. I cant just get in position and go w/ it kind of thing. I basically need some foreplay - some kissing. So my thought process of this is, he doesnt want to make things complicated and emotional so he lays off the kissing. He tells me he doesnt kiss me because its me, its just that , that is the way he is. Hes very mysterious. He is a man who doesnt let out a lot of feelings at all if you get my drift, so its very hard to read him. And when i really want to discuss something that matters to me, its hard to even get his undivided attention about it it seems. That hurts. I know we just have this sexual thing going on, but am i asking for too much? I mean I dont know what to do about this or if im just banging my head up against the wall over nothing because the guy is set in his ways and such. He told me tonight he just likes a girl to be spontaneous and such. He told me that i dont participate in sex much he feels like i am just there and i tried to explain to him that i need more then just his penis ( sorry lol TMI ) but its true. So if i am needing more affection in a sense, am i not cut out enough for this affair?/sex buddy situation? I feel like affiars or sex buddies are a game and if you cant play the game then youre out. . as weirdly put as it is, i just feel like im too sensitive sometimes. I mean I like this guy in a way and I dont want to burden him w/ my standards but . . . i dont know. I just wish he would be more affectionate like he was. You can have a sexual relationship and be affectionate w/o emotional baggage - its about decency in my eyes.... Any input would be nice.

thanks for listening

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2003
Tue, 01-06-2004 - 12:16am
Hello Tammy

It is time to take the hint, It is nothing but sex to him period, it is a game for him and he is getting tired of the game and is not bothering to put anything into it besides his penis.

If you cannot be satisfied as a penis holster then it is time for you to move on,you will most likely get some more effort out of him if you tell him it is over at least for a short while.

It is time for you to ditch this guy and find one who wants to take proper care of you

TRYING

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Tue, 01-06-2004 - 9:10am
Hi Tammy, I am also in a mainly sexual relationship with a MM. It sounds like your man is a little cold, you may want to cool things off with him if you're getting the feeling you're just being used.

Although my relationship is sexual, I do not feel like I am being used. My MM is not overly into kissing either, we do a little of that at first while he's getting me warmed up. Then later on, if I want a kiss, I just tell him so. And just little caresses and things like tell me alot about him having some degree of caring.

When we are together, he is very much concerned about my pleasure and is a very considerate lover. So although he is not emotionally attached to me, we've never said the "L" word or anything close to that, I know that deep down, he must have some feelings towards me, otherwise it would be "wham bam, thank you mam".

Hope this helps you make up your mind about this guy,

Dusty
xxxx
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2003
Tue, 01-06-2004 - 11:42am
Affairs are elective relationships - if you are not getting what you desire why bother? Afterall, you are taking a huge risk in many senses and for what? You must be able to define what it is exactly that you want out of this affair and you clearly arent getting the simple things you need let alone those things you desire.

cl-liberalgirl

callmeliberal@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2004
Tue, 01-06-2004 - 11:54am
Hi Tammy! Welcome to the board I am also new. It sounds like this used to be a lot of fun for you, it was probably exciting and made you glad to be alive everyday. If it isn't doing that anymore, if his not kissing you, which I agree is HUGE, is leaving you unfulfilled sexually and his distance is making you unfulfilled emotionally then maybe it would be a good idea, like others have said to say good-bye. To, in a sense, rip the bandaid off quickly. Your pain from losing him may be more intense for a while than what you're feeling now but it will subside, remaining with him may prolong your misery longer that it would last if you ended it. I'm no expert though and I've got problems too or hell why would I be here right? Anyway we're with you sweetie. Good Luck

Mack

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Tue, 01-06-2004 - 12:57pm
Hi there. Thank you.

I'm feeling so awful today about this and I dont know particularily why its getting me so depressed. I guess I'm feeling this way because I liked a man who just doesnt like me like that and I have to deal with it. That yea at this point i feel like a whore to him and he makes me feel that way more and more. Its eating my self esteem alive and blurring my thinking. I should be thinking rationally but yet im so overwhelmed w/ disgust because of him. I know i put myself inthe situation, but damnit i deserve to be kissed and caressed like any other woman should. I shouldnt think so highly of him or adore him in ways because look at what he does to his own girlfriend right? I mean that doesnt make it all right or anything but its a way to see things in the sense that his GF is no better nor worse than I, so why is he even doing this to both of us if he is supposed to be ' the man' whatever he cant even get his priorities straight so he shouldnt be screwing w/ my head nor my priorities !

I mean ya it was fun at first and yea it made me feel alive inside and sexual inside and out, but its almost like a normal relationship between a man and a woman who have a great thing and then it just fades out. Thats what it feels like - except its a sexual relationship. Last night when I was talking to him online he said something along the lines of that he likes when girls are spontaneous and just grab him, etc. Well that made me feel low because it made me feel like im not enough, alone his GF is not enough to fulfill his needs-apparently right. And i really think the spice of affairs is that when you are the mistress, youre the sex goddess in a way. You fulfill his needs and you have this accomplishment feeling that you carry w/ you in the affair. Well he's made me feel sexless - like i need lessons or something- he did not say that though. Which is something ive never been given the impression of by men. Ive always had great sexual encounters w/ men. But you know what......the reason I dont touch him back and just grab him is because in respecting his relationship w/ his GF to not make it too complicated. What i mean is, i dont want to be touching him and grabbing him and kissing him like i want to really, and have him push off the whole relationship. I dont want to scare him off with m sexual standards if that makes any sense. So i feel like i give in, settle and go w/ the game, giving all that i can and getting all from him of what he will give. And that sucks. It just sucks. Ive tried to speak to him about this and he asked me if he wanted us to kiss, but at that moment i was like ahhhhh dont say it like that or something now i feel akward. Kind of like a 'dont let me twist your arm to kiss me' fool. It hurts. Crushing on someone you will never have is torture.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Tue, 01-06-2004 - 1:02pm
Oh Tammy, it sounds like you are in a rotten relationship here!! Especially if it is a sexual relationship, things should only get better between you, not worse!! Believe me, my MM says its only for sex (ya right) and he may believe that, but his actions tell me different. Our sex life together now is way more spectacular than it was in the beginning!! And he is not a big kisser like I said, and alot of that has to do with no hickey's (for obvious reasons). But there are many other things he does when we are together, that I know he caresa bout me more than just being a body.,

I asked him before if its just for sex, why doesn't he look for someone closer to him? Because we don't live close together.

He said if it was only for the sex, it wouldn't have lasted this long (3 years).

If he EVER made me start feeling like a whore, I would end it!! You shouldn't have to feel like that!! He's being a jerk to you.

Dusty
xxxx
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2004
Tue, 01-06-2004 - 1:43pm
Hey hon, A couple of years ago I was involved in a relationship that was purely about sex, for him. It started out simply for me to but of course I fell for him, he never fell for me, and it devestated me, my friendships, my reputation and my self esteem it nearly ruined what before him had been a wonderful time in my life. When it finally ended it was not because I had found the strength to end it or had any dignity left whatsoever it was simple proximity I was in NY and he was in Fl end of story.

The fact that it ended for whatever reason was the best thing that happened to me. When some one has the ability (wheter we have granted it to them or not is regardless) to make us feel that we are less than worthwhile people something is very,very wrong. He has the audacity to tell you what he likes (grabbing, kissing, spontanaity whatever) but he doesn't care that he is robbing you of your basic rights to feel good about yourself, and believe me you do have that right.

When my FWB R ended I was a destroyed woman, unhealthy and desperate, I have come back from that solely through time, space, persepctive and good friends. I cannot give you any of the first three, those are yours to find, but as far as friendship I may be new here but I know already everyone here will be that for you, if you do end this we will be here to tell you every day it is for the best becasue you deserve real love from someone who cares how he makes you feel about YOU and not just how you make him feel about himself. Anyway I hope your day gets better, take care.

Mack

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 01-06-2004 - 1:59pm
right on mac!! perfect advice for you, tammy. sorry honey, but that man is bad for your self-esteem AND mental health! your R with him is just that, a crush. be done with him and move on to someone (or several someones!) that make YOU FEEL GOOD!!

gurl

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Tue, 01-06-2004 - 11:46pm
Thanks Mack and everyone who has responded. If anyone would like to add please do so. I really appreciate the support.

I'm feeling somewhat better. I'll get through it :)

Talk to you soon

Tammylee