Can we do a MASer's update?
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| Mon, 08-16-2010 - 11:15pm |
Hi all,
Would it be ok Lexi to ask evryone to add a summary of their story? I get soooo confused :)
Ok me:
Im a MW, A with MW for nearly 18mths. Fantastically hot and heavy in the first few months with lots of 'I Love You's and 'We were meant to be together'. In Nov and Feb the guilt ot to him and he ended it. But both times we got back together within a few days.
We have now 'agreed' (me reluctantly) to have a lesser version of what we had. No more talk of emotion or futures. I am ok with this as we are both cake-eaters at heart and have no future ahead of us. My head is ok with this as he is an ego-mad workaholic which has driven his current partner and previous wife nuts.
I feel frustrated and stressed by this A now, because I feel like its just not as fun and attentive as it used to be. Having said that he initiates a lot of contact and calls. But the contact is short and friendly, and he is always sooooo busy and important.
I do believe he has feelings for me (he even said it last week which was a shock) but Im torn between ending it and just letting it die off. OPtion 1 would wound his enormous ego and may mean we will never even be friends long term (Im a people pleaser and would feel bad about this option), Option 2 may send me insane while I continually wait for contact and analyse what his text meant etc.
Added to this, my H of 20 yrs (after many years of MC and long talks) has finally 'gotten it'. Over the past few months he has been trying harder in our M than ever before. He is once again the man I married! Now I feel tremendous guilt and I can see that the purpose of this A was to make me see how wonderful my H truly is (faults for sure- but a loving and supportive man).

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Yeah i like an update, i get confused on everyone's situations and try to keep up.
Ok - I missed the last update so here goes.
MW in EA for almost 5 years with MM - I've been M for 20 years him for about 12. He has young kids, mine are grown (child bride lol) Known him for about 7 years in total. Began emailing about a business transaction and boom! Its been all day, every day communication since then. He was the master of mixed signals in the beginning - still is! It took him a long time to admit the attraction and emotional involvement was mutual. He struggles with his internal conflicts to the point he emotionally barks and occassionally bites! lol We've come very close to a PA a few times but the intensity got too much for us both. For me, it reinforced that we have no future together, which I couldn't handle (neither one of us is leaving our current situation) and he has a massive history with other peoples infidelity and hates that he is now the one torn between two people. We both feel that if it goes further it will change things forever and we will lose each other. He couldn't live with himself if he had a PA. That said, I doubt either one of us has had this level of sexual chemistry ever before.
We have the most fantastic mental connection and he fires me up like no one else on earth. In every way possible - still after all this time. We can talk all day about absolutely nothing and take each other on the most stimulating mental rides without even trying. Its there in person too and we see each other a couple of times a week.
Many highs and many lows later we are still here. Mostly its good (I tend to only post when it isn't lol) but I'm on a low at the moment. I find the limitations hard and I'm not actually sure why!
Sooo much more but that's as short as I can make 5 years of Affairland :-)
Bird
Good idea Iggy, I was thinking about this just the other day - that it's been awhile since we had a "roll call". :-)
I am a woman married many years to a man I met in high school. We have grown children and some grandchildren.
My first A was after being married for 15 years. At the time I felt, as I've described sometimes, like a flower in a desert - slowly drying up. My H is a wonderful man, was spectacularly good looking when young (blond and blue eyed with a naturally muscular frame - people always thought he worked out when he'd never lifted a weight LOL) but I never had the right chemistry for him. I was so lusty but I didn't really WANT him. Never did, it was just one of those things, and looking back, I shouldn't have married him, but I fell for all the advice from people who told me that desire wanes anyway and it's other qualities one should look for. My first A partner was a divorced man who was in our "circle". It was someone I could never have ended up with for many reasons but I fell madly in love and so did he. After 1½ years I ended it because it was TOO heavy and we were bound to get caught if we kept going on AND I really wanted him to be free from me to move on and find a partner. When I read here about people in an all encompassing A, totally in the fog and infatuated, I can go back to this time and know exactly where they are coming from.
I started a second A just to distract myself from the pain of ending the first one, another single guy who appeared charming and out going and cool - but he was far different from appearances. He was, at the very least, a total player, and at the worst a sociopath. After about 2 years of off and on games that caused mostly pain and puzzlement on my part, I went NC with him, although once he realized that (took him awhile, he probably thought he was going NC with me again just for fun) he pursued me endlessly for awhile until he finally got the message. I STILL hear from him occasionally, trying to rope me back in, telling me I'm the sexiest coolest person on the planet, hoping I'll become a puppet in his games again LOL. Sometimes I can tell when people here describe their APs that they are involved with someone like him, and I try to warn them away.
I met my present OM, also single, online, on a social message board. We were, right from the start, great friends who like to have sex with each other. We've been involved for 11 years which I still can't believe - many marriages don't make it that far. I think we've kept it light but deep - hard to explain - I share so much with him that I would share with a REALLY good friend, but I never got that all encompassing sort of "madly in love" feeling that I have had in the past.
I've realized that I enjoy having two relationships, that I like having a "double life". I have never had individual counseling although I'd probably get a lot out of it. I recommend it freely to everyone but have never gone myself. I don't know what's broken in me that I've done this or made the choices that I've made. In many ways I'm glad I made those choices. The men I was actually physically attracted to when I married my H were loser "bad guy" types, and ending up with one of them would have been a disaster.
Iggy mentioned recently a concept of having "death bed regrets". Before I had my first A, when I was thinking about it, I remember asking myself - when I'm in that old rocker on the porch of my nursing home someday, would I regret going ahead and having this A, or would I regret NOT having it. I decided I would regret inaction more than going ahead and having it. At this point I look at my life and I am content. I know, it would all change, and all my regrets would change if there was a d-day. I guess that's something I can't even contemplate.
You've got a lot of choices. If getting out of bed in the morning is a chore and you're not smiling on a regular basis, try another choice. ~Steven D. Woodhull
Proud to be a
You've
I am a MW in a 4 year affair with a MM. We've been friends for over 25 years. DH was friends with him and his wife for years before we got married and our families have been involved since.
Through the years, before we were together, AP and I had what I'd call a love/hate relationship. I admired his intelligence, attitude and assertiveness but hated that he was sarcastic and self involved. I always said he is one man I could never see myself with. Once we were together he admitted that he always admired and desired me but just never acted on it.
It all started right after my dad passed away. I wrote an email to his DW, sharing my feelings of sorrow and emptiness. She shared with him what I said (it wasn't private by any means) and he emailed my the next day to say he was sorry about my loss and having been through the loss of parents, knows what I am going through. He said to email him anytime I need to talk. So, one email led to another and one topic led to another and we discovered a whole other side of each other. We began to see each other for who we really are and not the public persona we let everyone else see.
He's not a romantic, but rather a logical, no nonsense kind of man, the kind I need. I love him and tell him, and while he admits to having feelings for me, will not admit love. At times we frustrate each other because I have more feelings and let them known more than he does. Our physical relationship is phenomenal. We love to kiss (neither of our spouses do) and we "fit just right" if you know what I mean.
Neither of us have any plans on leaving our marriages. We both have adult children and grandchildren. We both love our spouses and have decent marriages. We communicate mostly through email and get together about once a month for love making, sometimes less and sometimes more often when we can safely swing it; sometimes it's a few hours, sometimes a quickie. We enjoy family gatherings and couples get aways. We are careful to the Nth degree. Neither of us are up to the nuclear disaster that being together would cause.
We're just two people who are comfortably married to others but also enjoy the company of each other. While I love him and often romanticize our relationship, I keep reminding myself that he's not mine and that I should be glad he isn't. There's a popular song about an affair where the woman sings about giving her AP her best but the DW gets the best of him. I feel the opposite. She has to deal with his busy schedule, moodiness, and dirty underwear on the bathroom floor. I get his sweetness, attention and wonderful kisses. Our relationship wouldn't be as intense if we were together in real life.
Hello,
I'm a MW with 2 children involved with a single AP who has no kids. We've been seeing each other for the last 16 months. We work for the same company and live very close to the other. My H is a wonderful man, a good friend and a great father. I still can't really tell you why I'm having this affair except that AP makes me feel beautiful, wonderful & alive again. Something I hadn't felt with H in a long time, I guess due to the daily routine of life. I'm not condoning my actions because of this, its still wrong but I placed myself here and been trying to get out ever since. I think part of me wanted that fun again, the feeling of being desired and when I met AP I was instantly attracted to him. In fact I'm the one who put it out there that I'm interested in something physical. He said he would never sleep with a married woman but I felt in the back of my mind he would & just a few months later he did. We got along so well, laughed, enjoyed each others company and before I knew it we would be commuting home and to work together.
Our physical connection is great! Its so explosive that I feel thats why I'm so addicted to him. I kept my feelings about him to myself and he was the one to tell me he thinks he's falling in love and has never felt that way before. I always maintained that I would never fall for him that
Much peace & Love,
Rayne
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Okay – not a poster but been around for a very long time.
Good idea iggy, I missed the last roll call too.
When I began my A I had been M for 25 years. My AP has also been married for about the same length of time. This was my 3rd A, but my first R, if that makes any sense. I had my first A about 7 years into my M, I think I did it for a revenge thing...although
It's great to get all the details of your relationships!
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