can you decide who you love?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2005
can you decide who you love?
22
Thu, 05-07-2009 - 11:08am

we talk a lot about decisions - good decisions, bad decisions. we hear talk about an A not being "real love" - just a band aid applied in a fog.

but can you decide who to love? do you pick out one person and say "great candidate. think i'll learn to love them." or do you actually fall into love without making a decision? does it just happen?

and yes i know: you can make decisions about your behavior once you experience that emotion so you still have personal responsibility yada yada.

but is the initial emotion out of your control?

Mrs.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-24-2008
Thu, 05-07-2009 - 6:09pm
No, I don't think you can choose who you fall in love with. It just happens. You hear a lot about people who married someone hoping that they would eventually fall in love because they knew that all the other things about the person was right...know what I mean? Just like I fell in love with MM, although I knew he wasn't right for me and the situation wasn't right...it just happened.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2009
Thu, 05-07-2009 - 6:15pm

Well...I relate to you & tiger on this one! For Sure!


I chose my H for our compatibility to live with one another-not romantic love. Although I believe he loves me in his definaition of "romantic"--(which, BTW, is NOT very romantic at all! lol)


I went looking for someone else to satisfy what I considered a "natural need". (all those things you mentioned, scots). When I came acrosss my AP...it was indeed love...almost at 1st site. There was attraction to his looks alright--but the love bloomed when I learned how identical we were on just about EVERYTHING.


I don't think I had much choice in the matter. I could choose to ignore what has made me so happy & focused in turning my life around for the better for myself--but I won't.


So that all said: I don not believe we "choose" to fall in love. But we do decide what to do with our emotions.


I know, I know...another variation on what's already been said.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 05-07-2009 - 6:23pm

You do not choose who you will love.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Thu, 05-07-2009 - 6:56pm

We can have fun going back and forth on this one, right?


I think the love at first sight is just that...love at first *sighting*, but we have to ultimately decide that we want, and then work, to get to know them more...because we likey what we see :)


I mean,


iVillage Member
Registered: 12-24-2008
Thu, 05-07-2009 - 8:21pm
I know a lot of people don't believe in love at first sight but I think love goes through different stages. In the beginning, there is the attraction that initially pulls us in, but in time you will realize after going through the different stages in your relationship if it really is love. I have loved MM for a year and a half, even after being hurt and learning his bad side along with the good and I STILL love him, so for me, that's how I know it really is LOVE...and Clarity, I "see" you shaking your head..LOL...but you'll be glad to hear we've been NC for ONE month as of tomorrow and I WILL NOT break it. Enough is enough, but my heart still aches.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2009
Thu, 05-07-2009 - 10:21pm

A friend and I have discussed this many times.


She has a theory that I have come to embrace because I've never heard it described any better than this....


Love is a realization, but commitment is a choice


Hugs everyone!!

Don't hold to anger, hurt or pain. They steal your energy and keep you from love.       ~Anonymous
 &nb

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2009
Thu, 05-07-2009 - 11:18pm

I believe that love simply just "is."

maystone
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Fri, 05-08-2009 - 1:35am

You really can't be saying that one is not being honest just because they think that a person makes a conscious decision to


iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2008
Fri, 05-08-2009 - 7:30am
I think you can decide who you love - but not who you are in love with. I mean I love my dearest friends and my family - but I'm not in love with them. I will always love my H as the father of our children - however I've never been nor will I ever be in love with him. AP on the other hand I'm in love with - the feeling is completely different - it's in how he understands me, listens to what I have to say, no matter how inane it might be sometimes, can tell just from the sound of my voice how my day has been going, etc.. Did I choose to fall in love with him - no. It just happened - from talking to each other, getting to know each other, being there when one of us needs a shoulder, even so much as understanding that no matter how much we want to spend time together - when plans fall apart - it's okay, neither one of us is going anywhere on the other one and we'll work it out. Also think it's something you have to feel - not think about - completely from the heart.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2009
Fri, 05-08-2009 - 8:16am


but can you decide who to love? NO


playing the fool..is never easy