Can you love two men at the same time?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2003
Can you love two men at the same time?
6
Tue, 05-05-2009 - 8:19pm

This is a continuation of my other post "New A with an Old Flame" I'm confused and frustrated and just plain don't know what to do!

So I'm back home from my vacation, where I spent almost every night in 18 days with my AP. He's very guarded with his emotions, still dealing with the death of his wife. We had a wonderful time together, we just immediately fell into step. We were VERY careful not to show anything but a platonic friendship to any other friends, or his children (which I spent very little time with and was just an old friend of Dad's). I didn't even go to his house until after they were asleep, and never stayed the night. I respect his need to shield them from his romantic encounters until they're more serious or permanent. He did admit he has feelings for me still, but not sure how strong or what will become of it. I left with knowing that we will text, talk and email until I return for another visit this fall. Until then, I will try to give him his space to get his head and heart straight and I will try to figure things out with my H.

Now that I'm home, I really feel that things with my H have reached a point that something must be done. The things that have bothered me before (his lack of energy, sleeping through everything, not taking care of himself, constant health complaints, defeated attitude) are all still there, only now I am even more bothered by them. I've seen what my AP has become, and what I hoped my H would be, not knowing this car accident of 4 years ago would take away my happy capable H and give me this negative, overwhelmed man.

I'm so torn as to what I want. I love where I live, my life and my home here. I have a man that lets me have a lot of animals, freedom and support. But I also live with something close to a narcoleptic invalid, who has such a defeatist attitude, has lost his sense of joy and doesn't take care of himself. We have a huge pile of debt and he doesn't seem as concerned about it as I do. I also have two bio-moms to deal with for my 2 stepsons (which is an entirely different post of problems!).

My AP is fit, stable and capable. He takes care of himself and puts his children first. He is debt free, has great credit and is completely self sufficient. He has his own interests and his own life, is patient and kind and has energy to do the things needed to run his house and life, and spend time with his kids. He also lives in the same area as my dear friends that I miss so much. He also lives in a terrible neighborhood, and I'm not sure how much he could open up to me if he ever decided we should try to get back together (we dated 20 and 16 years ago, I was his first love and we still have feelings for each other, always have). The main problem we had was that he was just not able to open up emotionally. Through our conversations, he said that breaking up with me taught him to do that, and he's able to be more emotionally accessible - except for now as he deals with the death of his wife of 12 years, and is unsure of what he wants.

I'm not saying I could have my pick of the two, but I really don't know what I want anymore. Financially, leaving my DH would be close to impossible, and I know it would crush him. I don't know if a relationship with my AP is possible or probable. I'm not waiting to leave DH until I'm certain that AP is ready, but it has brought to my attention that I'm going to need to decide what I want from my marriage and I just don't know anymore - HELP!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2007
Tue, 05-05-2009 - 9:20pm

Okay...more than likely your husband might be depressed. People are not as blind as we sometimes think they are. I think a person can love the idea of someone , but to me real love is over looking everything you mentioned about your husband. It is trying to help the person bounce back when they are in that funk. Your husband could be dealing with a unipolar depression problem or if he has had any manic episodes perhaps bipolar. However it can last for yrs. I am not a shrink..however I did major in Psychology.


Now this is my take on love. If you really love someone you want the best for them no matter what. I don't mean to sound rude..but you sound in love with the lifestyle more than your husband.


Only you know who you really want. However I will say this...if you don't want to be with someone let them go.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2005
Tue, 05-05-2009 - 10:01pm

how much hope do you have that your DH could change? has he ever seen a mental health professional? have you ever tried couple's counseling? you mention his accident, but has he ever tried anti-depressants?

how much have you talked to him about his state of mind? about what this has done to your relationship? about what you need?

i know - a lot of questions, but worth thinking about. leaving an invalid can be devastating to both of you . heck i'm not even sure how i would leave a healthy man! and i'm trying to fathom: is it just the release that your AP gives you from a depressive household or is there a relationship that never died.

but can you love two men? i think so. but maybe not in the same way.

Mrs.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2003
Tue, 05-05-2009 - 11:54pm

Thank you for all the responses. You are all right in a way. I do need to clarify some things I said as they might come across wrong.

My H is not a true invalid. He is mobile, working and capable of exercise and healing. For some reason, he has not shown the interest in doing so. He IS on antidepressants, and has tried several. He has also been on muscle relaxers (a depressant) and painkillers for almost 4 years. I finally convinced him to see another doctor for a 2nd opinion (he needs to get off the meds and can't seem to do it). I call him an invalid out of frustration, he seems to not truly want to heal and move forward, and that is something I just don't understand.

I could very well be in love with the lifestyle, I've thought of that myself. But my H has changed from the accident and the meds. He no longer plays with his kids - I have to convince him to get up and do something with them - he approaches everything as a huge problem that can't be solved, never in a positive matter.

I have told him many, MANY times that the changes I see in him are for the worse, he's not taking care of himself physically or mentally and he needs to. You can't love someone if you don't love yourself, right? I've told him that his lack of care of himself leaves him unattractive to me and it's in his power to change it. He hasn't so far.

We had been going to counseling but had to stop because we couldn't afford it. I am going to talk to him tomorrow night (after his son goes back to his mom's) and tell him we need to go to counseling. I know he will go, he will put all he can into it, but I don't know if it's too late or truly what I want anymore. I love him, but I don't know if I'm in love with him anymore because I feel like a parent/caretaker instead of a wife and a partner.

As for my A, again, I don't know what I want. We have tried to get back together before but the timing was wrong. I don't expect life would be any more perfect with him than with my H. I said in another post somewhere if I could combine the two men the result would be close to perfect. I have also lost a spouse, so I understand how he's feeling and know that he needs to work it out to find out if he'll ever be ready for another relationship, let alone one with me. But other than my late spouse, he's the only one I regret not giving another chance.

I love them both in different ways. I don't want to leave my H, but I also don't want to be in a relationship where I feel I've married my roommate. We both deserve better, and I want to try to make it work, I'm just worried that things have gone too far to repair. It's not that I dislike him, he's a good man, but our marriage is missing the passion, the intimacy and the joy it had before the accident. I don't know if it can come back.

I see these as two different problems - what to do about my marriage and what to do about my AP. It's odd I know that I see them as separate, but in a way they are for me. Even if I was desperately in love with my AP, he may not feel the same and we wouldn't work. Also, even if I love my H and like the team we create to face the world, love without passion isn't satisfying. And I just can't love someone who doesn't love himself. How do you get someone to love themselves so you can love them??

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2008
Wed, 05-06-2009 - 12:57pm

It's obvious something has to change. The status quo of your M is not working for you (I see that in your post). You need to do something to change it. Don't base your life and justify "wrong doings" on what your H will/will not do for himself. You already know that as long as he sees that everything remains the same, he won't do a thing to change. He likes it too much not having have to face real life and just keep hiding behind whatever it is he's hiding in.

You on the other hand don't have to subject yourself in this type of life if it's not working for you. However, we are still as human being need to have the compassion to protect loved ones from pain for our choices. Your H is making his choice, you need to make yours. If you think your M is a goner then do the right thing and dissolve it before you proceed further with your AP. You have in your power to minimize the hurt by taking care of this mess now. Don't wait until you have a D-day and devastate everyone, which also can obliterate the M issues that can then be just blamed on the A.

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"People spend a lifetime searching for happiness; looking for peace. They chase idle dreams, addictions, religions, even other people, hoping to fill the emptiness that plagues them. The irony is the only place they ever needed to search was within."


- Ramona L. Anderson
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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2003
Thu, 05-07-2009 - 2:31pm

Thanks for all the input. In the last two nights, I have had heart-to-hearts with BOTH my H and AP. Here's what came about:

First was the online discussion with my AP. We talked about our time together on my vacation and what it meant: he said for him it was fun, physical, nostalgic and a test to see what was still there. He said it showed him he still has strong feelings for me, could see us together again in the future, and if he could be crazy about anyone again, it would be me. He also said he needs to be single and focus on the healing he should have been doing since his wife died, but the door is not shut on us in the future. He told me I should try to fix my marriage, but if it can't be fixed and I'm done, then we could explore our future. He won't do that until I have truly come to terms with my marriage, and won't be hurt if I fix it and stay with my H. He said he will always love me, I will always have a piece of his heart and that he will always be here for me, even in just a friendship capacity. He truly is an amazing man.

Next, I sat my H down and said that I am going to start seeing a counsellor for myself to work on long standing issues and patterns that I have that don't have anything to do with him (of course I will be discussing my AP as well, but H doesn't need to know that). I also said that I think WE need counseling and we talked at length at what we thought our problems were. He suggested that he start seeing his own counsellor to resolve his issues, and we decided to do individual counseling now and couples counseling a little later, rather than all at once. He didn't realize the problems were so bad, but was receptive and understanding of what I had to say. It was a good talk, no anger or blame or defensiveness. He said he wants to do the work to repair our relationship. I told him at this point I don't feel like his wife, I feel like his roommate, and it was time for us to deal with the problem or go our separate ways because I don't want to be married to a roommate for the rest of our lives. I told him we both deserved to be happy and be loved the way we want, and we need to figure out if we can do that for each other or not. He said he was sorry for the way he's handled his end of things, and I told him that he was not the only participant in this problem, I had just as much to do with it as he did. He said he loved me and realized that he has been hiding from a lot of issues and will take the steps to deal with and resolve them. Another amazing man.

I hope that makes it clearer why I feel I can love two men at the same time and why this is so hard for me. They both are kind, caring, open and I love them both in different ways. Why they want someone like me I'll never know. As hard as this situation is and that I know I can only have one, I feel truly fortunate to have people like them in my life, and even though I'm having an A with one and married to another, they deserve better than me right now, and I will do everything I can to keep from hurting them.

I truly don't know how I feel about my H at present, and I'm hoping to discover that in counseling. I love him, but don't think I'm IN love with him anymore, and I don't know how to stop viewing him as another child I have to take care of, or our relationship as a parent/child situation, and how to get back to seeing him as an equal partner, a man and my husband that I am in love with. I would like to but don't know how and if I'm capable.

I am not basing my decision to stay married or not on what my AP wants from me. I love him, I would love another chance to be with him again on a permanent basis, and if my marriage doesn't make it through this process, I will be open to being with him in a real relationship IF the timing is right and we both want it. I'm fully aware that after this process, I may discover I want one man over another or neither of them at all. Or that I want my AP but he's found another love. Or that I want my H and he no longer wants me. At this point anything can happen.

I'm trying to go into this not gearing the result to one thing or another (trying to save my marriage or try to justify ending it). My goal in all of this is to do what's RIGHT for me and for my H and AP, not necessarily what I think I want or what's the easiest path. I want happiness and love for myself and the two men I love. If they can't find that with me or I can't find it with them, so be it. But I'd rather know for sure than to keep going down this path. I'm not ready to let either of them go, and that's not fair.

In a way, I'm glad my A happened and who it happened with. If it didn't, I would not have been forced to deal with the problems in my marriage I've been trying to ignore, and would have gone on many years in this marriage that isn't satisfying either of us. Better to know now then wait 20 years and realize we shouldn't have been together, or that those 20 years with each other could have been so much more satisfying!

I truly have no idea what I want or what will happen. If anyone gets hurt in this process I hope it's me, because I'm the one who created this mess so I'm the one who should get the pain from it. I just hope in the end, we all find what we truly want and that we can actually have it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2009
Sat, 05-30-2009 - 10:41am