Can you relate to this?
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| Fri, 08-22-2003 - 11:43am |
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlmyaffair&msg=32949.1&ctx=128
and I'm sorry if I came off sounding UNGRATEFUL for this board because that is NOT how I feel. This place has been a constant for me the last 4 months and I'd be lost without it. I just wish it was more active that's all! :) but I know lives get busy and not everyone has ample amounts of time to post like I do! *blushing* I'd like to create a new username for myself so you all can become more familiar with me and since I'm not really a "new" poster anymore! :) LOL
Anyway - the point of this post is this...
yesterday MM and I had a pretty deep and revealing conversation that we NEEDED to have! :) After 4 months of bliss and then partially getting caught he's been pulling away and I wasn't sure why! :( But he told me yesterday there is nothing more he wants to do then continue what we have and make the most of it. He wants to do all the things I want as far as spending time together and confiding our deepest heart feelings BUT he says he can NOT go forward without knowing he can trust me. And what he means isn't that he doesn't trust that I hold what we have in UTMOST confidentiality - he KNOWS I'll never say a word to his wife or intentionally expose us. BUT he fears if he continues on and gives his heart to me the way I want I will take that to mean he wants to be with me... FOREVER! And said to him "so you are saying the only way you will continue is if I agree to realize that you will never want anything more for me" and he said "no if you realize that I can't be anything more to you". Basically saying it's not a matter of what he wants, it's a matter of what is possible. And he's told me from the get go he loves his wife and will not leave her. So, it's up to me to decide if I can handle continuing on knowing THIS is all we will ever have! That's a hard thing to swallow and yet I know he'd give me as much of him as he could if he knew I wouldn't one day decide he has to either leave her or lose me! He couldn't live like that!
So... my point in posting about this is to find out how you all deal with this!? I know alot of you are married and I am not - so I'm sure it's easier to accept in that situation but any advice is welcome! Thanks!

Hugs
If you're asking what I would do...which is how I read your question...I think I'd lay similar ground rules to the ones the other poster mentioned. Make sure he understands that I am free to date other people. And I would think that I'd need to have a one-time, rational discussion where I would say "there may very well come a time when this isn't enough for me and we'll have to have this conversation again, but for the time being, I can do this."
I actually think about this a lot. I'm separating from H soon, I hope, and OM is living with his g/f. Right now, that is the most logical thing...that he stay with her. The divorce will take a looooong time to work out, I just know it. Our situation is fairly complex. So, OM will stay with g/f, for sure during that stage. Once the separation is over and the divorce final, what the divorce agreement says about living with men will have a great impact on what my next step with OM is. But if I *am* free to live with him after the divorce (without having to marry...omgod, not another marriage!!) and he chooses not to, then I've wondered what I would do. And I keep coming back to what I told you...that I would tell him that for now, this is enough - and it would be; I've got a lot of work to do on my baggage, anyway. But once I feel pretty well-grounded, what then??? I don't know. It's a little scary. I like to think he'd choose me over her, but then, I've never liked making anyone choose anyone over anyone. I'd rather that decision evolved naturally. And who knows, by then maybe it will have. Unlike in your situation, he's never told me one way or another what he would do. I think a part of him doesn't really believe that I'm going to leave H, so he's not committing his heart to anything that potentially painful just yet.
Good luck. I'll keep you in my thoughts.
Lucky
as for your situation with MM. i am single, but in a committed R. my other is married and we started as fwb, but after 2 years or so, MM wanted to spend more "quality" time with me. overnights, more than 30-45 minutes of just "sex".... he fell and fell hard. it's been over 3 years now and the love word was tossed out just last week. but and here's a big BUT, i told him flat out that even though we would be together if we could be, in reality, we cannot be. i will not hurt my BF or his W, to be so selfish as to break up both our Rs to be together. he agrees, but still talks about the "what ifs". i'm the one holding him in check.
so you must decide if you can live day-to-day with the fact that you are always second, no matter what. it's your life and you need to live it the best way for you, not for him. after all, he's being honest and telling you nothing permanent can grow between the two of you.
the ball's in your court, honey.
good luck,
gurl
I am M, OM is not. I clearly laid it on the line: I have no plans to leave H. He agreed with these terms. He admits that the thought of my H hurts, but he understands and lives with it because he knows it's the only way he will be able to see me.
I fully expect him to grow tired of this someday and realize he is destined to find another GF. I will encourage his new and improved relationship, but know the green-eyed monster is going to try to eat me alive. Jealousy knows no logic...
Pug
I read your post but haven't read the responses yet and it got me thinking. My situation is a little different, I am M and my OM is single. He dosen't want to date anyone else and he isn't even looking. I wonder all the time if this is fair to him, etc. We have just ended NC (18 days) and I will be seeing him for the first time next Thursday. He has known from the start that I am not leaving my H and M. He knows that my kids will always come first, so where does that leave him? Part of the reason we went NC this time is because he was feeling like he couldn't deal with the R and the way it was going. I have felt from the very beginning and have told him that this whole R is unfair to him. He has told me it is his choice. So here we go again starting back up and I am going to try and find a way to make both my M work and my relationship with OM.
My OM has told me in the past that because of the me not planning on leaving he feels that he has to guard his emotions from me. He does share but I can tell that he holds back a little. Maybe it is just a man's way of dealing with things, if they believe that they can hold their emotions in check then the R will not become emotional. I however believe that once the IC started that theory (whether they believe it or not) went out the window and the emotions are there. OM has told me that he loves me and I have told him the same but right now at this time all I can offer him is the R we have.
I don't think this helped you any but I wanted you to know that you are not alone. Can you accept MM's terms for going forward with your R? Obviously you have told him how you feel and it sounds like you want to stay with him but is it the best thing for you? YOu have to decide, not him because you are the one with options (he has already said he's not leaving). My OM has said to me many times that I am the one that calls all of the shots and if I decided it was over there would be nothing he could do because I am already taken. I however feel that he has more control for the same reason I am M and if he wants to go his own way there is nothing I could do but let him go. SO you see this is kind of a vicious cycle and only you can decide if you can go on with your A. Ok I may have not helped but remember that we are here for you and as you can see other people are trying to work out the same things you are, so maybe we can all help each other. Hugs to you. DAF