Cancer diagnosis -changes everything

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2008
Cancer diagnosis -changes everything
27
Fri, 05-15-2009 - 11:39pm

Sorry in advance for such a long post.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2008
Sat, 05-16-2009 - 11:00am

(( hugs ))
My view on all this is that you first and foremost take care of your health.At this point,nothing is more important than.My honest advice is to break off from your AP.He does sound very controlling and insensitive.He seems to be putting a lot of pressure on you which in my view is turning into emotional abuse.If he cant be with you when you need him the most,without putting himself first,then do you really need to be with such a man?
His emotional abuse has just begun,it seems.There are high chances of it going further and further.You mentioned kids,will your AP be a good figure to look up to by them?I doubt so.

Your AP has anger issues as well.Nothing about him seems to be positive.
I would say again,take care of your health and dont pay any heed to AP.

Take care.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Sat, 05-16-2009 - 11:22am

Hi inturmoil


I'm really sorry to hear about your diagnosis and hope you are seeking out the best in medical treatment (and a second opinion).


I think your AP is definitely overreacting...my gut reaction says that maybe he is using this incident as a way out.


iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2008
Sat, 05-16-2009 - 12:12pm
Thank you so much for your feedback. He 'is' offeing to take me to my biopsy. I guess that is something, right? But, I already have my H to go. I guess I just feel (tell me if I'm wrong) that his behavior when I need emotional support is just awful. Yes, I lied about where I was, but I explained that it was because I didn't want to tell him on the phone and then when he started calling me a cheater - I got so mad, I wasn't going to waste my time. I just thought he would have understood that I was going through an enormous amount - and wasn't thinking clearly. He said overall, he doesn't feel loved and that I need to prove my love by my actions. So...how do I do that and get the door slammed in my face..when I may be going through the fight of my life. Thanks for your feedback. I guess - even with his offer now - I should be done, right? So hard. So sad.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2008
Sat, 05-16-2009 - 12:43pm
I am sorry inturmoil that you are going thru all this.This AP doesnt sound like someone who would stand by you in tough times.He has a lot of issues and i guess you are better off w/o him than with him.Its time for you to take control of your life than prove your love to this 'me me' man( sorry!).
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2009
Sat, 05-16-2009 - 12:56pm

(((hugs))))


1st and foremost....please....take care of your EMOTIONAL health! You are going to need to do that in order to continue to fight. I know 1st hand...well...sort of...


The best way I know how to explain myself, is to give you insight on what I went thru...just 4 mos ago. I had a hysterectomy in Jan. It was DEVASTATING. I am 41, have 1 20 yr old son from previous M. My H does NOT know HOW to give comfort. I posted much of this before, so won't go into total detail now...BUT my AP saved me. He took my to Doctor appts. & helped me thru some TERRIBLE forced menopausal symptoms from medications with love, care, gentleness, & extreme support. I was shocked...he is also M! How he ever found the time...the stress he must've been thru! He lives over an hour away...BUT on my surgery day, he came & stayed at "our" hotel...to be closer to the hospital...just in case. I had my 3 very close friends line up to text/call him when I was out of surgery to let him know things were ok.---but it didn't stop there...3 weeks later, I was well enough to tell my H I was going to "friend's" home to get girl support (Boy...did he sigh of huge relief)--I went to AP...& he took such good care of me...a month later he took me back to Doc when I got the all clear to be able to have IC again...& AP was the most loving and gentle man on the earth with me that day.


When I asked him "Why?" He said because he is In Love with me...that if he didn't do those things, he would not really be in love. When he said he met his "eternal Soul Mate" he knew it. And it was me...he would NEVER let me go thru ANYTHING alone.


________________________________________________________________


Now THAT is LOVE. THAT is WORTH the risks (at least to me).

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2008
Sat, 05-16-2009 - 2:02pm
Thank you so much for your opinion/feedback. Sounds like my AP would definitely be lacking in the compassion category. Funny thing Is he was always the one there for me in the past - it's just now that he is acting like this. He is blaming me because I lied to him and then didn't "call him" to apologize. I just thought his text ending things said it all - but he is mad that I didn't try to beg for forgiveness. I guess I just think if the situation were reversed - I would not have initially acted the way he has - I would have run to his side. No questions.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2007
Sun, 05-17-2009 - 12:04am

i wanted to pipe in a bit, not to respond to your entire post, however, on your


upcoming biopsy.


a quick note, my mother is going through a similar thing. stage 1, in my


understanding, and having read all the literatuer that mom came home with,


is the size of the nodule, lump or whatever that has been detected.


my mother has lcis, lobular carcinoma in situ. although the name has


carcinoma in it, it is not cancer, but a pre cancerous condition.


she had a biopsy, then surgery to remove the lump, also stage 1, which is the


size of the lump that was removed, less than 2 centimeters in size. then they


did surgery to remove a lymph node to check. now they are thinking of


possibly doing radiation.


i told her to back up a minute, none of the surgeries have come back showing


any malignancy. she does not have breast cancer, however, they did remove


a lump, stage 1 which is the size of the lump, but it was not malignant.


none of the sugeries have come back to show any malignancy, however, the


possible radiation treatment, etc. is ridiculous.


ask your doctor questions. don't let a lump scare you, or in the case of lcis,


the name has carcinoma in it, but it is not actually cancer. she sees her


doc again on monday. i am pushing her to ask the questions. first and foremost,


is what the surgeon removed from her body, a malignant cancer, or a


benign lump that they are just being overly cautious with.


empower yourself on this and do not scare yourself into thinking it is


cancer, that is what my mom has done. she believes it is cancer, so i am hoping


she will ask the doc the right questions and get the right answers.


iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2008
Sun, 05-17-2009 - 3:43pm

he is being extremely SELFISH!
that wont change..it is a flaw.
and it appears he is using this to make it about him and his feelings as far as how he wants you to leave H--how can he expect this when you
have a cancer fight --very very selfish of him.

Focus on yourself and getting well--I had a similar scare a year ago--choose to keep it to myself until the biospy came back negative....2 months of fear....when I told my now XAP he said--why am i hearing about this now--I am not a fair weather friend....no screaming --nothing but concern and support.

You deserve better--take care and I wish you well.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2008
Sun, 05-17-2009 - 6:34pm
Thank you so much for your own personal experiences! I guess I just don't know which pain is worse - I think As are an addiction. I have moments/days when I truly believe he is selfish and damaging - then others when I think we were soulmates. One of the times I can't forget - I was seperating from my H and my toddler was staying in the new house for the first time and they were petrified! Soooo scared ..I felt so awful for them so I told Ap he needed to wait to come over WITH HIS FRIENDS so I could let my toddler fall asleep w me. He said 'but I can't wait any longer to see you'and he came to the house anyway - walked right in - and had his loud friends in the living room -scaring the heck out of my toddler. It was awful. I talked to him about it and he apologized but said he didn't see the problem - it was just his LOVE for me! So, this same controling LOVE is now making him act this way. He wants to punish me. After I told him of the cancer and after he screamed at me - I felt so awful I suprised him with a gift. It was delivered and all I got was a text message thanking me. Never called to see how I was coping or to say he wanted to talk w me. I asked him later why he never called? He said because he was so busy working on his project, but the phone works both ways. I said - ok. We haven't talked since. And he knows I'm having a hard time w this health scare. He texted and said what's up? And never anything again... Sad.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2008
Sun, 05-17-2009 - 6:53pm

I understand when you say A's are addictive--yes they can be.
I have also learned that if you are involved in a mutually fulfilling
communicative and content A that the addiction is replaced by
a feeling of contentment.

It took me a long time to realize the difference between an addictive
damaging A and a lover who completes me. Am I addicted to my lover--yes, In a good way--he is here for me so I don't have the feeling of withdrawal
that I experienced with X-Ap because of his non-responsiveness at times.

He isn't showing you consideration and you deserve that and more...good luck and please take care.

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