Cancer diagnosis -changes everything

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2008
Cancer diagnosis -changes everything
27
Fri, 05-15-2009 - 11:39pm

Sorry in advance for such a long post.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2008
Tue, 05-19-2009 - 4:00pm

I think you have a big mess in your life that only "YOU!" can clean up. But you're being a little girl and keep avoiding getting your hands on the real mess and cleaning it up. Instead you're focusing on this nonsense stuff with an AP who's probably now seeing you for "who" you really are and not believing in your credibility anymore.

Cancer diagnosis or not, you can't keep playing with people's emotions. You are giving two men mixed signals and it's not fair to anyone. Make a decision to be a stand up kind of person and enough with the cheating. Understand you can't have both men if you want a quality R with someone. So, put your big-girl panties on and make a decision to either dissolve your M to be with your AP or let the AP go.

Also, stress causes all kinds of ailments in people. With this cancer scare, now would be a good time for you to "de-clutter" your life and focus on getting yourself to a better place. If that means getting rid of the H and AP, then so be it.

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"People spend a lifetime searching for happiness; looking for peace. They chase idle dreams, addictions, religions, even other people, hoping to fill the emptiness that plagues them. The irony is the only place they ever needed to search was within."


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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2008
Tue, 05-19-2009 - 5:21pm
Well all of you were right. Here's the last straw. I found out today I may be laid off. ALL I need. So, I have friends/contacts in other cities to get another good job. He called me to tell me he was here for me! I said thank you sooo much. He said, what a blessing! You can come live in my city now! I said well, that would be only if I found a job there. He said, "I don't understand? You wouldn't move here to be with me?" I said, not unless I could find a similar job with a similar salary. He threw a fit. I make 6 times more than he does, btw. He said I can't believe what I'm hearing!?! I said, I am not a moocher - I am a provider. I refuse to live off of anyone. I'm sorry. I would move to your city IF we were together AND I found a decent job. I will not go on unemployment when I'm used to making 300k a year! He basically hung up on me. Oh well. What a jackass. The writing clearly is on the wall. I don't need a leech to pull me down! Yeah, I'm done! Free of the low life! Thank you for the courage - somehow I feel better than I have in months!
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Tue, 05-19-2009 - 10:48pm

If you do an


iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2009
Tue, 05-19-2009 - 10:50pm
This post won't be real popular and I really don't want to muddy the waters for you, but I can actually see where he's coming from. He loves you! The problem is that you've had the upper hand in this relationship for a long time; he has said he wants to marry you and you have led him on multiple times by repeatedly ending then coming back telling him to just give you time. You make 6x his income, which I'm sure lessens his own self worth. He probably needs frequent reassurance that you love him and want him regardless of what he earns. Then you lie to him, when actually he would love to have been the one you went to in a crisis. He probably felt that you didn't think of him. That lie became, unfortunately, the opportunity for him to finally feel some powerl in the relationship. I don't think it was right of him, but I understand it. I bet he regrets it, too (we all do and say stupid things). The clincher for him was when you told him you wouldn't be with him unless there was a job there. Now, you and I know that maintaining your income is important, but because he wants so badly to be with you and his low self esteem, all he felt was that he wasn't worthy enough for you. I know, weird, but you are his life.
My advice is to let him go. He needs to move on and so do you (with your marriage, hopefully).
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2008
Wed, 05-20-2009 - 10:52am
Well, I do go back and forth because I do believe my delay in D is causing him to 'act out'. But, I was slapped in the face yesterday when I realized that EVERYTHING was happening to him. He never even said, "I'm sorry you are going through all of this". That is what I think would have prevented me from running. In fact, I think his controlling, manipulative behavior is the exact reason I HAVEN'T left my H for him. He has scared me off - and if he does this now, what happens when I am bound to him? Thanks again for all of your insight! Am I sounding like I make sense?
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2000
Wed, 05-20-2009 - 2:54pm

Truth? Honestly, he sounds like a sucker bet if you chose to put your money on him. By your own words, he's controlling. By my words he's controlling, immature, self-centered and all about him. I mean, for God's sake, when you told him the reason for not being upfront with him, instead of IMMEDIATELY going into concern mode, he's all about the punishing and blaming and guilt tripping. HUH? If he truly loves you, his FIRST AND ONLY concern would be your health and wellbeing. Not his silly little ego and pride. That's NOT love. He obviously cares more about losing you to someone or something else than he does about losing you to a life threatening illness.

As for your husband...well, he's there isn't he? If I were you I'd lose this dead weight known as your AP from your life and focus on what really counts. Not him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2008
Wed, 05-20-2009 - 5:55pm
Clarity, somehow I accidentally missed your message. Thank you for remembering me. I wish I wasn't back, you are right. Life is so interesting, isn't it? Some people perceive love in different ways. I guess if someone isn't controlling me - I feel unloved. I have 2 men who are almost opposites in some ways and exactly the same in others. Common theme - abuse and control. I am scared to be alone. That's why I stay w H and why I seek out AP when I consider leaving the M. My soon XAP says he wants me to choose him over a job and a salary....I got so upset with that, right? Well, my H doesn't want to work, wants to stay at home and 'search for his true calling' while a nanny watches our son (and I'm working). My H wants to drain me dry and live beyond our means and AP wants me to be unemployed so we can at least be together. Today is one of the first days in my life where I truly felt trapped. I feel like I can't handle stress and new career and child - all by myself. I know women do everyday, but why am I so scared. Fortunately, I have therapy appt. tonight. Why not give everything I can to my H? I have tried, over and over. Instead of moving out of a house we barely can afford so we can put money in the bank - he suggests more coupon cutting and fewer bottles of nice wine. I am pretty sad today. The turmoil must go away and I am the only one who can make sure it happens. I am saying prayers that I make the right life decisions.

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