Cant figure it out
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Cant figure it out
| Mon, 01-26-2009 - 10:58am |
I've posted here a while ago and then went back to lurking.. Some history . I've been in a EA for about a year and a half. AP & I share a connection I cant seem to explain. Both of us are M and are reasonably happy in our marriages. We are not looking to leave at all. H & I live apart due to our jobs and I think the loneliness is what pushed me to seek out AP -an old acquaintance . We email each other everyday and talk when we can since he travels a lot. It hasn't turned into a full blown PA. We've often talked about it but haven't made it happen yet. I've held back for the only reason that I am not quite sure what he feels for me. While I love him I don't know that I am in love with him. I can never tell the difference :) All I know is I definitely don't want to spend the rest of my life with him! Now this is what I need help with. I've often asked him why he sticks around , he tells me he has a good physical and otherwise good relationship with his wife and they understand each other. Hes never mentioned anything about being in love with me yet wants me around. I cant figure it out. It cant be for the PA because we both don't even know whether that will happen or not. I know I look to him to ease my loneliness but sometimes

>>>"While I love him I don't know that I am in love with him. I can never tell the difference :) All I know is I definitely don't want to spend the rest of my life with him"<<<
I think you're not being honest with yourself, otherwise, why obsess and waste your time???
>>>"I've often asked him why he sticks around , he tells me he has a good physical and otherwise good relationship with his wife and they understand each other. "<<<
We usually ask this question hoping to hear the answer we want to hear (and the answer you might be hoping to hear maybe in the line of: He's not in love with his W and is planning on leaving her soon). But, base on his answer, I know it's not what you were hoping for.
>>>"I know I look to him to ease my loneliness but sometimes for a little more like emotions which i don't get. According to him hes not the emotional kind."<<<
So, he's basically just the same as what you already have in your H. Maybe a good time to reconnect with him instead?
>>>"Sometimes I even wonder whether what we have is an A"<<<
Actually it's called EA (emotional affair) and it's just as damaging.
>>>"Do you think hes just doing me a favor by sticking around ? That he thinks I need him emotionally?"<<<
Yep!
>>>"I tried to get out twice but really cant seem to because I need him as a friend."<<<
I think you're using him as a crutch instead of examining what's really wrong in your M and see what can be done to try and fix it.
"People spend a lifetime searching for happiness; looking for peace. They chase idle dreams, addictions, religions, even other people, hoping to fill the emptiness that plagues them. The irony is the only place they ever needed to search was within."
- Ramona L. Anderson
Hi and welcome!
I would say your are definately in some form of an A.
thanks goddess and fantasy..
Yes I definitely know I dont want to spend my life with AP. I think I have a very unique relationship with him in the sense that I enjoy all thats good about him but the stuff that irks me about him gets to me too much and that is definitely the stuff that would prevent me from thinking about anything long term. I also think the same goes with him. We have never ever brought up the issue of leaving our spouses.
Yes I dont want to hear it from him that he doesnt love his wife because I know he does. What I just cant figure out is why he hangs on to me. I know behind that hard core exterior he does care because he does or says little things but will never say it outright. Im not sure whether thats how men are made because H is very expressive.
As for me - yes I need to stop depending on him for my loneliness. I am sure when H & I get together next year that will automatically reduce. As for the PA - i am taking one day at a time. Havent rushed it so far and see no reason to.