Can't have adventures--but both advent..

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2004
Can't have adventures--but both advent..
2
Thu, 04-15-2004 - 11:05pm
I was thinking today how my MM's sense of adventure was what drew me to him. Then I thought about how we expressed that towards each other early on, and that's one of the things that we both really like about each other.

But we can't be adventurous.

By the nature of the A, it's hard for us to do things together. We both like concerts, movies, travel, being part of organizations, you know---living! BUT WE CANT BE ADVENTUROUS TOGETHER.

My H is booooring. Arrrrrgh! He was adventurous at 22, but he's turned into an old man at 27. I'm not ready to be an old lady!

It's funny how we talk about how neither of us are homebody's, but our spouses are. But how are we supposed to do what we love most--hanging out together in public places, doing fun stuff together. We did do that at first because we had some special circumstances where we were able, but we can't anymore. Maddening!

You know, I think that is a subject I can bring up to him...I'm positive he'll agree. As you may have seen from some of my other posts, I'm at the stage where I want to talk about the relationship, but in a very non-threatening way. I'm still enjoying what we have, but I think he wants to talk more, too...this would be a great thing for us to talk about. I think it would be a great way to clue me in more about what he thinks about "us" without being so touchy-feely about it.


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2004
Fri, 04-16-2004 - 2:23pm
hey secretgarden -- i had to laugh at your roundabout way of getting MM to talk about your R/A -- the adventurous part! very ingenious girl. but be careful. you may just push the wrong buttons with him and make him feel pushed because by its very nature, an A is never out in the open, doing things together (other than sex!). remember, it's not "dating" or "marriage" or even "everyday life" together -- it's an A, secret, on-the-side, extra. given the opportunity, i'm sure your MM will reply that his adverturous tendencies are currently satisfied by just having you in his life!

life

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2004
Sat, 04-17-2004 - 12:28am
Yeah, I know I have to be careful with that. However, he has been the one pushing me to do stuff with him. He's been quite open about us going out and doing things--to an extent, of course. Neither of us wants to get caught red-handed. But he's made it clear he doesn't give a hoot about rumors. He just doesn't want anybody catching us lip-locked. He seems to really push the envelope considering our circumstances. We've been public places together where he's run into people. The city I live in is somewhat large, but small enough for him to run into old friends, relatives, etc. I'm of course his "friend". He even purposely stopped at a bar one time because he saw his dad's car there. He stopped with me and I got to meet his dad. ??!! What is that supposed to mean? He's told me he doesn't have an especially emotional connection with his dad, so that was doubly strange to me why he'd take me in to meet his father.

So he does seem to have the itch to go out, hang out and do things with me. I'm not sure if my situation is a bit different--I've only been married 1.5 yrs, him 3 yrs, no kids. Sometimes I do feel like we are "dating" in a way, but it has such strange dynamics because we're feeling each other out for how serious we really are for each other, because to make a decision in this relationship would have huge implications on both of our marriages. But at the same time, we have to move more slowly because of the circumstances.

One thing I have told him is that regardless of the A, I am not seeking to stay in my current marriage forever. He knows how unhappy I'm in my marriage now. But he knows that basically right now I'm getting my financial house in order as well as getting other things figured out. That's going to take awhile, I think. Since we've had that conversation, he definitely has not been scared away. Even though we haven't been able to see each other because of our schedules, he has called even more and talked for longer. I've noticed from my cell phone bill that we're having longer and longer conversations, and more frequent ones.

If I knew he wanted just a purely sexual A, I would want us to not talk so much with such regularity, a few phone calls a week. Not this everyday talking about what's happening in our lives, conversations that reveal the way we think about things, or talking about goals and aspirations. He sets the tone of most of our conversations, so it's not like I'm pushing those things, either.

Well, I've sort of rambled off topic, so I'll shut up now ;)