Can't let it go!!!
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| Sat, 10-18-2008 - 1:18am |
I just cannot let this issue I am having with AP go. Historically, I hold onto things for way too long.
Brief update, AP and I together over 2 years, some what LDA, Very, very close friends, have been since highschool(More than 10 years ago) with a few years lapse in communication. He tells me that I am special to him and that his biggest regret is not pursuing me back when he had a chance. Tells me he loves me and he wishes we could be together in the way we want but it'll never happen, or is highly unlikely, which I agree and accept. I can't see leaving my M or y kids.
Anyhow, he is interested in this other girl. They have alot in common and share a personal struggle that bonds them. He is M, she is single. Whynot78 brought up MANY good points about him needing to know that he is attractive and desirable after being in relationships where he wasn't shown that. I get that and I am trying to accept this as best as I can. This is why I am here venting and not in an e-mail to him.
Last week, I had a major emotional outburst where I told him how much it hurt me about this other interest he had. According to him, it shouldn't hurt as he deserves to have emotional connections with other people. I know he does but I am feeling SO used. I do not doubt his love for me. I doubt his actions. I just can't believe that he is putting his M in FURTHER danger by trying to be with someone else. My rationale is do not get involved with someone who has more to lose than you do. She has nothing to lose. Ultimately, over a few days, I started to feel bad about these feelings. Like he didn't validate them at all, even though he tried.
I can't stand the idea of him taking long lunches and meeting her. I can't stand knowing that he is happy and horny because of her!
But then today, I just broke down. I heaved and cried and ached and cried so hard that my stomach, my face, my eyes, my entire body just ached. Then I took a shower, and I felt nothing. Something was lost in that process. Something very important that we had is now gone and I don't think it will come back.
While I still love him with every fiber of my being, I am not interested in him. I do not desire to be with him. I do not want to IM with him this weekend, or next weekend for that matter. I can't let this go no matter how hard I try. No matter how hard I rationalize it and listen to all the great things that Whynot78 is saying, I just can't let it go. I feel like a piece of my heart was just plucked right from my chest. And you know what? I no longer feel comfortable telling him because he wants to blame it on PMS. Well, PMS has nothing to do with it this time.
How can I explain this any better? Has anyone else had this feeling before? It's like he just let me down. He disappointed me. And I'm not sure how to recover from that, or if I even really want to. I have become ALMOST(not quite) indifferent.
I will not give him the power over me that I feel he has. I am taking it all back......

I agree w/ you. I would be devastated if my AP started w/ a third person. I don't think that you should let it go. He takes cake eating to a new level. He sounds selfish, self centered, and immature. I mean how many people do you need to sleep w/ in order for your self esteem to be right?
I think that it's bothering you so much because he lead you to believe that if it weren't for the fact that he was married, you would be his special girl. He has now shown you something contrary to that. He has shown his true colors, and they are painting an ugly picture. MHO, leave him alone, he is toxic.
I hope that you can get through this w/ minimal pain. Good Luck Sweetie!