Can't take much more of this heartache..

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2004
Can't take much more of this heartache..
1
Thu, 04-08-2004 - 3:38pm
Haven't talked to yall in awhile and wanted to update. Well, the 'separation' that was supposed to be for a couple of weeks only lasted about three days with no talking. He just couldn't handle the no contact thing. But, I cherished those couple of days...and I felt so alive and so free during that time. Then as I was just about comfortable with wanting this to end, H called me completely losing it because he had lost his wedding ring! Talk about guilt again! He is so focused on things working out, and I can't stop thinking about splitting up for good.

Yesterday was a mess. Not only did I have to say goodbye for about three months to my OM (my eyes are still swollen), but it was my anniversary with my H....ironic? Everywhere I looked yesterday reminded me of my OM, and had me thinking how much I didn't want to be with my H at that time. I tried to spend the day with the H and enjoy it because it was a special day in our relationship. Now I feel like he doesn't really understand where I want this to go. He acts like all is fine and 'we will get through this' but then I hear him vomiting at night because he is so upset at the thought of it ending for good.

I haven't actually said the D word, but have just let him know that my feelings aren't what they should be, that I'm not happy, and that I am unsure whether I will be able to work through this to save our marriage. He on the other hand is only thinking that it will all be fine ... like his vision is clouded. At the same time, he says that he would deal with it if I did say D. I know he would have to, but I also know that he would be a basket case. Just thinking about moving in with his friend (who has made the offer to him if it progresses the way that I am wanting) drives him to tears and shaking. Part of me doesn't want to do that to him, but the bigger part of me is so ready to just go.

I am missing my OM more than words can say...I can't stop thinking of him and of our life that we can start together once this mess is fixed. I guess I just need to grow up and say what is really on my mind. I honestly don't think that another separation would help. My H is really making progress on his anger issues and digging down into his mind and soul to make himself happy again from the inside. I am proud of him for that. And, I think it is necessary for him to be happy for the rest of his life. But, I don't want to be in this relationship anymore. The desire that I feel isn't for him - its for my OM, and I don't want to give that up based on hoping that this anger management and no verbal abuse will get better. I keep thinking of his family, and Easter, and how will we separate everything that we have accumulated...but the longer I wait, the more hope he gets and that isn't fair.

Please help me yall - you have all been so helpful in letting me vent and giving advice. I just need to do this. I just need some help....and the one person who could make me feel so much better and so much more confident isn't here!!! :-( Thanks for letting me rant for so long...RM

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2004
Thu, 04-08-2004 - 5:53pm
I can completely relate to your situation--having an H who is clinging on so tightly. It must tear you apart to see someone that you once loved--and probably still love in part--fall completely apart. Like me, you feel responsible for his happiness, but by giving him what he needs to be happy, you sacrifice your own happiness. I'm impressed that you've had the strength to at least start your path to a new life. Perhaps, you might suggest to H a period of absolutely NC--but you may have already tried that approach.

I'm sorry that you won't be able to see OM for several months, but perhaps that will afford you time to deal with the separation from your H and to spend some time rediscovering yourself and getting your life in order. You will probably have some very lonely nights, but just realize that 3 months will come and go--although it feels like an eternity!

Good luck to you!