Can't understand

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Can't understand
13
Mon, 09-15-2003 - 1:41am
I remember losing my innocence in many different ways...some good and some not good experiences. I never stopped to consider the impact it did and would have on my life, or on me - I either took what I learned from the experience, or let go of it, and moved on.

So, here I sit feeling again that I've lost my innocence. Only this time I don't consider it a sign of maturity, or an experience to be learned from, and I can't let it go. I think of how this experience has impacted me now, and how it has impacted my future. Well, I say *it* has already impacted my future, when I know really that I only allow it to.

Of course I'm talking about my EMA. How I don't think I would have considered one in the past no matter how unhappy I may or may not have been in my M. And the real liklihood of my choosing another A if/when this ends, even when I would be seperated/divorced. And the possibility that MM would decide to enter another A. And the possibility that the person I or MM were to get involved with has had an A. It isn't *that* that bothers me so much, that this A could/will end, but rather how one A perpetuates another - how it's easier to enter an A once it has been experienced, and how relationships are rarely life-long.

I've lost my innocence in realising that many are not wired to be monogamous, while at the same time not many are wired for A's either. While I'm not looking to remarry, I would like to think that another would be faithful to me in a relationship, and that I would be faithful to him, too. Where's the happy medium?

I guess I am second-guessing my future self, and I know I must have more learning to do to move on. I have no regrets for the decision I made in entering an A, but I do wish I could go back to that pre-A innocence. Ugh, I don't *want* to move on, but I *should*.

I find that life only makes sense when we look backwards on it - and it won't necessarily make sense while going forward and living it. While I know why I entered the A, it doesn't make sense to me why I love MM, why I can be satisfied with being in a relationship of sorts when he's already committed, how he can love me of sorts, and love his W of sorts. Like that children's chant about a walk in the woods and you come to a tree - you can't go over it, you can't go under it, you can't go through it - you have to go around it. I wonder if it will ever make sense, even when the A has ended and I look back on it; but I feel like I have to know, to understand, in order to move forward.

I shouldn't think so much, I know - maybe in saying it out loud, it'll come to me.

The cat in a surreal place,

Meow



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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 09-15-2003 - 6:10am
Good morning, Meow!

Hindsight is 20/20, right? If you look back now, I am sure you can see what elements of your life and your self brought you to the point of embarking on this EMA. And when it is done, you will be able to look back and say, this is why I did it, this is what I got out of it... and it's not a question of right or wrong, but merely what fulfilled -- or what you thought would fulfill -- your needs at the time.

I don't know about the monogamous hardwiring... I think we make a choice. If we were "hardwired" there would be no choice. It's simply how we/people would be. Even monogamous animals... like, say, wolves... make a choice. You think there are wolves out there with girlfriends on the side? lol... there might very well be! Human beings may be wired to be monogamous, but the difference between us and the animal kingdom is personal choice. We think, therefore we expand our possibilities.

Is it innocencse, really, or is it reality? I look at people in my life a slightly different way these days, and I slap myself on the head and cry, "I have been so naive!" And so perhaps that is a sense of innocence lost... thank you, Milton. But unlike Milton, I do not wish for innocence regained. Because this new view I am experiencing is illuminating other facets of my life, and I am learning that I would rather be aware than go back to unaware. Because it gives me a little more control, a better understanding of who *I* am in these circumstances... does this paragraph even make sense? lol...it's still early and I've had no coffee.

Thanks for an interesting muse, Meow!

lily

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Mon, 09-15-2003 - 10:26am
For a person who has not had a cup of coffee your post made perfect sense to me. Its all about choice and what you choose to be because of your past experiences. You walk away learning from them so that you can use your *knowledge of that experience* in future relationships. You can become a little jaded and cynical and think the rest of your life is going to be one affair after another. You might look back and think "what the hell was I thinking?!?!" LOL Then you are exposed to people who have such dismal view of life that you think that there is not much hope for them (I am not talking of you meow, lol).

I agree, I rather know the reality than live in a dream world where everything and everybody is perfect and there is no element of surprise. I am reminded of Billy' Joel's song "Only the Good Die Young" especially where he says "I'd rather laugh with the sinners than cry with the saints, sinners are much more fun"......


iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
Mon, 09-15-2003 - 10:48am
As to life only making sense when we look back on it, I've worried about that myself. I've worried that I'll look back and see my EMA as the worst mistake of my entire life. I've worried that with every song I get inspiration from, every restaurant I eat at, every piece of clothing I buy, I'm creating a reminder that will someday become very bitter for me. If MM hurts me, I'm going to feel like the biggest idiot that ever walked, and I'm going to think back on the summer of 2003 as a big, fat, gaping hell that I fell right into. But what can I do to avoid that happening? If I ended things now, there are just too many reminders of him all around me. He's too much a part of my life now...
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2003
Mon, 09-15-2003 - 11:37am
So many thoughts about what you wrote!!

1. The choices you make do NOT change your future except in that they lead to more CHOICES. You always have a choice. You always have free will. You may have "lost your innocence", but you do not have to act out your loss of innocence over and over again. If you ended your affair, you COULD decide to not have another one. And what your MM decides to do post-affair should have nothing to do with your decisions going forward. Your choices are YOURS to make.

2. One A can perpetuate another - because whatever was empty or missing in our lives is STILL empty and missing both during AND after the affair. You CAN fill what is empty in your life, you CAN replace what is missing. But an affair may not really accomplish it. There are other ways. The answer does not have to be another affair. It is your CHOICE.

3. Human beings are NOT wired to be anything. We have some basic tendencies, and then our environments and those who populate those environments act upon our basic tendencies. Most people who have affairs have some family histories in common. You can be "wired" to be addictive, but you need not become an addict. Or once an addict, you need not keep drinking/drugging/binging/whatever. You may not be "wired" to be monogamous, but it is still your CHOICE to be monogamous, or not.

4. What is really bothering you? Is it the knowledge that if YOU are unfaithful, then perhaps others around you are as well? Is it that you are questioning your MM's ability to be monogamous with you? Ask yourself what is really going on in your head.

5. The children's chant is not as you wrote it: the answer is NOT to go around it but to go through it. Re-read your childrens' books!! I think the most relevant childrens's book to affairs is The Cat in the Hat Comes Back: the kids make a pink mess, but whenever they try to clean it up, it just moves from one place to the other - from the shoes to the TV to the bedspread to the lawn. Only when there is a total and complete CLEANUP does the pink mess go away for real. THink about it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2003
Mon, 09-15-2003 - 6:07pm
You know Meow, my thoughts have been alot in the same place as yours. You say them alot better than I would though!!!!

I spent the weekend pondering why I am okay with this sort of relationship??!! I am not the stereotypical OW. I have self esteem. I would love to have a lifelong relationship with someone who loved me and I loved. I am not scared of the committment. I am not stupid or being played. I am an intelligent confident woman, who has divorced her emotionally abusive ex husband and is now raising kids alone. And doing great.

It doesn't make any sense. None at all. I could be moving on. Very easily. But I'm not. Why??

If you figure it out, let me know!!!!!!!

CFH

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2003
Mon, 09-15-2003 - 7:04pm
The fact that you were EVER involved with an abusive man is a hint as to what is going on. The fact that you left him is wonderful!!! But the fact that you were EVER in a relationship with someone who was abusive is a clue as to what is going on with you now.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2003
Mon, 09-15-2003 - 8:55pm
Emotional abuse is a very, very subtle thing. And yes, I agree that in the beginning of this A, it had alot to do with freeing myself of xH. More than one close family member has even stated that it was the only way I probably could have gotten rid of him.

Even more it was doing what I wanted to do instead of what everyone told me to do??

Now though? It is down to the basic fact that I love and want to be with this man. And I know that if I do come to feeling like I *need* more, I will walk away.

CFH

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2003
Mon, 09-15-2003 - 9:04pm
Could remaining involved with a seemingly permanently married guy be your way of protecting yourself against ever committing to a man who might turn out to be abusive? Perhaps you want to keep your relationship JUUUUUST out of reach of being "real" so that he can never "disappoint" you?
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2003
Tue, 09-16-2003 - 12:09am
I don't have anything much to contribute to the discussion, but the way you are talking about "innocence lost" reminds me of an Amy Grant song on her latest album (Simple Things)...it's a track called, coincidentally, "innocence lost" :) It's a lovely song although you might be turned off by the religious references if you're sensitive to that. If so, just hit "next" very quickly. :)

Innocence Lost

(Ron Hemby)

I can't relive my life

I can't retrace my tracks

I can't undo what's done

There is no going back

I chased a selfish dream

Did not survey the cost

Illusions disappeared

I found my innocence lost

Some say it's lessons learned

Some say it's a living life

I say it's choices made

Knowing wrong from right

One night I fought to sleep

In my slumber I turned and tossed

I woke to a cloudy day

Found my innocence lost

An Innocent child is a beautiful thing

Secure in a father's arms

Sleeps while a mother sings

There's no way to know

All the harm this world can bring

I miss my innocence

Oh, to be innocent....

My heavenly Father

The well of eternal love

That overflows with grace

I can completely trust

My broken heart repaired

And all my sins forgot

I can be pure again

In spite of my innocence lost

In his eyes I'm a newborn child

'Cause I accept his love

I have a newfound hope

Though I found my innocence lost

I can be pure again...though I found my innocence lost


iVillage Member
Registered: 09-04-2003
Tue, 09-16-2003 - 12:44am
Cherishing

That was a really good song. My innocence is something that though would be nice at times, I don't think I'd want back. Why? Because along with it comes being nieve. In someways I'm sure I still am, but I've learned alot from my a. Some good, some bad. More good then bad I think. I was also with someone, my xh, who was very verbally abusive. Without mm, I don't think I would have had the strenght to walk away. Even if we don't end up together, I'll still never regret our a. At least I got out of a m that would have made the rest of my days unberable. I know that I will never let another man treat me the way h did. I walked away without my innocence, but I walked way with so much more.

Jdreamer

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