Can't understand
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| Mon, 09-15-2003 - 1:41am |
So, here I sit feeling again that I've lost my innocence. Only this time I don't consider it a sign of maturity, or an experience to be learned from, and I can't let it go. I think of how this experience has impacted me now, and how it has impacted my future. Well, I say *it* has already impacted my future, when I know really that I only allow it to.
Of course I'm talking about my EMA. How I don't think I would have considered one in the past no matter how unhappy I may or may not have been in my M. And the real liklihood of my choosing another A if/when this ends, even when I would be seperated/divorced. And the possibility that MM would decide to enter another A. And the possibility that the person I or MM were to get involved with has had an A. It isn't *that* that bothers me so much, that this A could/will end, but rather how one A perpetuates another - how it's easier to enter an A once it has been experienced, and how relationships are rarely life-long.
I've lost my innocence in realising that many are not wired to be monogamous, while at the same time not many are wired for A's either. While I'm not looking to remarry, I would like to think that another would be faithful to me in a relationship, and that I would be faithful to him, too. Where's the happy medium?
I guess I am second-guessing my future self, and I know I must have more learning to do to move on. I have no regrets for the decision I made in entering an A, but I do wish I could go back to that pre-A innocence. Ugh, I don't *want* to move on, but I *should*.
I find that life only makes sense when we look backwards on it - and it won't necessarily make sense while going forward and living it. While I know why I entered the A, it doesn't make sense to me why I love MM, why I can be satisfied with being in a relationship of sorts when he's already committed, how he can love me of sorts, and love his W of sorts. Like that children's chant about a walk in the woods and you come to a tree - you can't go over it, you can't go under it, you can't go through it - you have to go around it. I wonder if it will ever make sense, even when the A has ended and I look back on it; but I feel like I have to know, to understand, in order to move forward.
I shouldn't think so much, I know - maybe in saying it out loud, it'll come to me.
The cat in a surreal place,
Meow

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Hindsight is 20/20, right? If you look back now, I am sure you can see what elements of your life and your self brought you to the point of embarking on this EMA. And when it is done, you will be able to look back and say, this is why I did it, this is what I got out of it... and it's not a question of right or wrong, but merely what fulfilled -- or what you thought would fulfill -- your needs at the time.
I don't know about the monogamous hardwiring... I think we make a choice. If we were "hardwired" there would be no choice. It's simply how we/people would be. Even monogamous animals... like, say, wolves... make a choice. You think there are wolves out there with girlfriends on the side? lol... there might very well be! Human beings may be wired to be monogamous, but the difference between us and the animal kingdom is personal choice. We think, therefore we expand our possibilities.
Is it innocencse, really, or is it reality? I look at people in my life a slightly different way these days, and I slap myself on the head and cry, "I have been so naive!" And so perhaps that is a sense of innocence lost... thank you, Milton. But unlike Milton, I do not wish for innocence regained. Because this new view I am experiencing is illuminating other facets of my life, and I am learning that I would rather be aware than go back to unaware. Because it gives me a little more control, a better understanding of who *I* am in these circumstances... does this paragraph even make sense? lol...it's still early and I've had no coffee.
Thanks for an interesting muse, Meow!
lily
I agree, I rather know the reality than live in a dream world where everything and everybody is perfect and there is no element of surprise. I am reminded of Billy' Joel's song "Only the Good Die Young" especially where he says "I'd rather laugh with the sinners than cry with the saints, sinners are much more fun"......
1. The choices you make do NOT change your future except in that they lead to more CHOICES. You always have a choice. You always have free will. You may have "lost your innocence", but you do not have to act out your loss of innocence over and over again. If you ended your affair, you COULD decide to not have another one. And what your MM decides to do post-affair should have nothing to do with your decisions going forward. Your choices are YOURS to make.
2. One A can perpetuate another - because whatever was empty or missing in our lives is STILL empty and missing both during AND after the affair. You CAN fill what is empty in your life, you CAN replace what is missing. But an affair may not really accomplish it. There are other ways. The answer does not have to be another affair. It is your CHOICE.
3. Human beings are NOT wired to be anything. We have some basic tendencies, and then our environments and those who populate those environments act upon our basic tendencies. Most people who have affairs have some family histories in common. You can be "wired" to be addictive, but you need not become an addict. Or once an addict, you need not keep drinking/drugging/binging/whatever. You may not be "wired" to be monogamous, but it is still your CHOICE to be monogamous, or not.
4. What is really bothering you? Is it the knowledge that if YOU are unfaithful, then perhaps others around you are as well? Is it that you are questioning your MM's ability to be monogamous with you? Ask yourself what is really going on in your head.
5. The children's chant is not as you wrote it: the answer is NOT to go around it but to go through it. Re-read your childrens' books!! I think the most relevant childrens's book to affairs is The Cat in the Hat Comes Back: the kids make a pink mess, but whenever they try to clean it up, it just moves from one place to the other - from the shoes to the TV to the bedspread to the lawn. Only when there is a total and complete CLEANUP does the pink mess go away for real. THink about it.
I spent the weekend pondering why I am okay with this sort of relationship??!! I am not the stereotypical OW. I have self esteem. I would love to have a lifelong relationship with someone who loved me and I loved. I am not scared of the committment. I am not stupid or being played. I am an intelligent confident woman, who has divorced her emotionally abusive ex husband and is now raising kids alone. And doing great.
It doesn't make any sense. None at all. I could be moving on. Very easily. But I'm not. Why??
If you figure it out, let me know!!!!!!!
CFH
Even more it was doing what I wanted to do instead of what everyone told me to do??
Now though? It is down to the basic fact that I love and want to be with this man. And I know that if I do come to feeling like I *need* more, I will walk away.
CFH
Innocence Lost
(Ron Hemby)
I can't relive my life
I can't retrace my tracks
I can't undo what's done
There is no going back
I chased a selfish dream
Did not survey the cost
Illusions disappeared
I found my innocence lost
Some say it's lessons learned
Some say it's a living life
I say it's choices made
Knowing wrong from right
One night I fought to sleep
In my slumber I turned and tossed
I woke to a cloudy day
Found my innocence lost
An Innocent child is a beautiful thing
Secure in a father's arms
Sleeps while a mother sings
There's no way to know
All the harm this world can bring
I miss my innocence
Oh, to be innocent....
My heavenly Father
The well of eternal love
That overflows with grace
I can completely trust
My broken heart repaired
And all my sins forgot
I can be pure again
In spite of my innocence lost
In his eyes I'm a newborn child
'Cause I accept his love
I have a newfound hope
Though I found my innocence lost
I can be pure again...though I found my innocence lost
That was a really good song. My innocence is something that though would be nice at times, I don't think I'd want back. Why? Because along with it comes being nieve. In someways I'm sure I still am, but I've learned alot from my a. Some good, some bad. More good then bad I think. I was also with someone, my xh, who was very verbally abusive. Without mm, I don't think I would have had the strenght to walk away. Even if we don't end up together, I'll still never regret our a. At least I got out of a m that would have made the rest of my days unberable. I know that I will never let another man treat me the way h did. I walked away without my innocence, but I walked way with so much more.
Jdreamer
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