Can't understand
Find a Conversation
| Mon, 09-15-2003 - 1:41am |
So, here I sit feeling again that I've lost my innocence. Only this time I don't consider it a sign of maturity, or an experience to be learned from, and I can't let it go. I think of how this experience has impacted me now, and how it has impacted my future. Well, I say *it* has already impacted my future, when I know really that I only allow it to.
Of course I'm talking about my EMA. How I don't think I would have considered one in the past no matter how unhappy I may or may not have been in my M. And the real liklihood of my choosing another A if/when this ends, even when I would be seperated/divorced. And the possibility that MM would decide to enter another A. And the possibility that the person I or MM were to get involved with has had an A. It isn't *that* that bothers me so much, that this A could/will end, but rather how one A perpetuates another - how it's easier to enter an A once it has been experienced, and how relationships are rarely life-long.
I've lost my innocence in realising that many are not wired to be monogamous, while at the same time not many are wired for A's either. While I'm not looking to remarry, I would like to think that another would be faithful to me in a relationship, and that I would be faithful to him, too. Where's the happy medium?
I guess I am second-guessing my future self, and I know I must have more learning to do to move on. I have no regrets for the decision I made in entering an A, but I do wish I could go back to that pre-A innocence. Ugh, I don't *want* to move on, but I *should*.
I find that life only makes sense when we look backwards on it - and it won't necessarily make sense while going forward and living it. While I know why I entered the A, it doesn't make sense to me why I love MM, why I can be satisfied with being in a relationship of sorts when he's already committed, how he can love me of sorts, and love his W of sorts. Like that children's chant about a walk in the woods and you come to a tree - you can't go over it, you can't go under it, you can't go through it - you have to go around it. I wonder if it will ever make sense, even when the A has ended and I look back on it; but I feel like I have to know, to understand, in order to move forward.
I shouldn't think so much, I know - maybe in saying it out loud, it'll come to me.
The cat in a surreal place,
Meow

Pages
With every relationship we have in our life (familial, friendship, intimate)we take something away from it, better known as baggage. In order to move forward to have healthy fulfilling relationships in the future, we need to pack more efficiently. Don't let your past decisions jade you to the wonderful experiences that await you. We need to learn from our past and not let it dictate our actions. Do some deep soul searching and find out what your basic NEEDS, (not desires) are and make sure that the next relationship to enter into will fill all of those needs. If not, then you will seek fulfillment elsewhere eventually.
You've been up all night
Thinking it was over
He's been out of sight
At least for the moment
But when something this strong
Ooh, Gets a hold on you
The odds are ninety-nine to one
It's got a hold on him too
Pages