Can't understand

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Can't understand
13
Mon, 09-15-2003 - 1:41am
I remember losing my innocence in many different ways...some good and some not good experiences. I never stopped to consider the impact it did and would have on my life, or on me - I either took what I learned from the experience, or let go of it, and moved on.

So, here I sit feeling again that I've lost my innocence. Only this time I don't consider it a sign of maturity, or an experience to be learned from, and I can't let it go. I think of how this experience has impacted me now, and how it has impacted my future. Well, I say *it* has already impacted my future, when I know really that I only allow it to.

Of course I'm talking about my EMA. How I don't think I would have considered one in the past no matter how unhappy I may or may not have been in my M. And the real liklihood of my choosing another A if/when this ends, even when I would be seperated/divorced. And the possibility that MM would decide to enter another A. And the possibility that the person I or MM were to get involved with has had an A. It isn't *that* that bothers me so much, that this A could/will end, but rather how one A perpetuates another - how it's easier to enter an A once it has been experienced, and how relationships are rarely life-long.

I've lost my innocence in realising that many are not wired to be monogamous, while at the same time not many are wired for A's either. While I'm not looking to remarry, I would like to think that another would be faithful to me in a relationship, and that I would be faithful to him, too. Where's the happy medium?

I guess I am second-guessing my future self, and I know I must have more learning to do to move on. I have no regrets for the decision I made in entering an A, but I do wish I could go back to that pre-A innocence. Ugh, I don't *want* to move on, but I *should*.

I find that life only makes sense when we look backwards on it - and it won't necessarily make sense while going forward and living it. While I know why I entered the A, it doesn't make sense to me why I love MM, why I can be satisfied with being in a relationship of sorts when he's already committed, how he can love me of sorts, and love his W of sorts. Like that children's chant about a walk in the woods and you come to a tree - you can't go over it, you can't go under it, you can't go through it - you have to go around it. I wonder if it will ever make sense, even when the A has ended and I look back on it; but I feel like I have to know, to understand, in order to move forward.

I shouldn't think so much, I know - maybe in saying it out loud, it'll come to me.

The cat in a surreal place,

Meow



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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2003
Tue, 09-16-2003 - 2:04am
Whew...I'm glad to see a positive response to my post...wasn't sure if I was going to offend. I should mention that I think this song resonated with Amy because of the trials she has been through with her divorce. While she may not have had a physical affair (she claims not), I don't think she would deny that she did have an emotional one (with Vince Gill, to whom she is now married). Amy & Vince as much as acknowledged the emotional connection prior to their divorces on their Prime TIme LIve interview. Anyway, I think she would agree with you in not wanting her innocence back---because that naivete is what led her to marrying the wrong person to begin with, and enduring an unhappy marriage for so long. She says the "Simple Things" album chronicles her path from "shame to forgiveness"--and there are other songs that reflect this. I just thought it was an interesting parallel to see the "innocence lost" theme come up in similar circumstances, and being a big Amy fan, I couldn't resist pointing it out. :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2003
Tue, 09-16-2003 - 12:03pm
I agree with many of the responses wherein I do not believe we are "wired" one way or another. While I was married, I did not have a physical A, but I found myself seeking fulfillment from others that I could not get from my H. JMO but isn't that the reason that A's happen in the first place. We are seeking something that our significant other is not able/willing to give us, whether it be sexual needs, intimacy needs, companionship, etc. People all have the same basic needs to be accepted, comforted, desired, understood, supported. It is disappointing that the person we have committed ourself to has failed to meet one of these basic needs and we seek the fulfillment elsewhere. Sometimes this leads to affairs, physical or emotional or both.

With every relationship we have in our life (familial, friendship, intimate)we take something away from it, better known as baggage. In order to move forward to have healthy fulfilling relationships in the future, we need to pack more efficiently. Don't let your past decisions jade you to the wonderful experiences that await you. We need to learn from our past and not let it dictate our actions. Do some deep soul searching and find out what your basic NEEDS, (not desires) are and make sure that the next relationship to enter into will fill all of those needs. If not, then you will seek fulfillment elsewhere eventually.



iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
Tue, 09-16-2003 - 3:19pm
Weird. I would just like to say that the Amy/Vince post I posted on another thread was before I even read it over here. It's strange how that came up with two different people! When the whole thing was going on, I remember driving in my car listening to an Amy Grant song on the radio and thinking how sad it would be to be married to one guy while in love with another...and to be TRAPPED in that marriage because to leave would mean possibly damaging your career. I know people who work in the music industry and know both Vince and Amy and of course everyone says they were just having a full-out affair for a long time before the divorce, but I don't believe it. I always said and STILL say that I believe it's just two people who fell in love at an unfortunate time and if that's an affair, so be it. At the time, I just felt so bad for Amy, that she was in love with one man while married to another. I thought that was the most tragic thing that could happen to a person. Was the fact that I'm the ONLY PERSON I KNOW who had sympathy for her an indicator that I might someday get involved in an EMA? I do know that I have always been more open-minded and sympathetic to people who fall in love that way...but I think probably it's just that I'm a hopeless romantic, which is probably why I'm in this situation! I do know that the day People magazine published a photo of Vince and Amy on their first official outing as a couple, I was SO happy for them. I didn't even know them, but the romantic in me just couldn't help it! Anyway, I put "House of Love" on my computer to listen to, just as a sort of secret reminder that love does sometimes conquer all, but oddly it ended up getting me through some bad spots. Especially these lyrics:

You've been up all night

Thinking it was over

He's been out of sight

At least for the moment

But when something this strong

Ooh, Gets a hold on you

The odds are ninety-nine to one

It's got a hold on him too

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