Carrot dangling ?

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anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
Carrot dangling ?
Mon, 09-03-2012 - 5:09pm

I'm wondering if there are signs that could tell me that the guy is dangling a carrot LOL.

My AP and I went through a rough patch in the past almost 2 months.  I think we solved almost everything, so in a way, it helped to sort of advance our relationship. We feel more confident about our love, because it did survive some pretty bad fights and we still feel close (we had some issues I didn't talk about here). We know better who we are now and it became easier to deal with each other when we have issues.

He almost convinced me about all he said in regards of his marriage. That he still has no desire for her and while she tries to initiate sex sometimes, apparently there's nothing more she can do to get it back (my constant worry). That he's not afraid of leaving, no matter what they purchase together and how they are  building their life here now. He gave me an example of how he left his xW the 3 storey house he built himself with all the stuff inside, so an appartment with this one will not stop him from leaving (they are moving into a new bigger apt. soon). That the nice activities with her, their new friends and the kids on weekends will not make him want to stay more, because THE main thing in a relationship for him is love and passion, having friendly feelings for the W are not enough. That her niceness are not enough to make him stay, he just wants to make the end nice (just like she did it for her xH on whom she was cheating with my AP), because they have a child to raise together. That he loves me and wishes that it was me with him on weekends. That since we love each other, there must be only one outcome (i.e. be together). That he's the kind of a man who takes a decision and goes for it and basically his decision is to stay with her for now and there's no way to change it, but he wants me, so I should just wait if I love him. Etc. 

It's always the same story, with some new details here and there. He normally answers my concerns when something new happens.

Last week was so great. I felt so in love. When I'm with him, I do feel his love. We feel close, the passion is still there after almost a year together. Sex is amazing. And he does suggest doing activities so that our relationship is not just about sex (and it's often me who refuses LOL). He was the one who said out of nowhere, that all I have to do is wait for him, he hasn't said that for a while, because I was pushing him lately and he hates it.

Yet, when the weekend comes, I start dwelling on whatever tiniest inconsistency I could find. Or on whatever text I didn't find to my liking and start wondering if it's all carrot dangling. He gets offended that I don't believe him. When I ask him when he's going to leave, his answer is always the same: I don't know. But then just this weekend, when I asked if he thinks that he's going to separate, he said that he doesn't think, he knows that he will have to, because he can't function like that for a long time (i.e. leading a double life and pretending that he's stressed when she tries to initiate sex and it's not happening).

I know that he can't give me a date. I know that men hate pushing. I know that pushing doesn't work. Yet I do it from time to time. He does reassure me for some time and then he gets defensive, because by not believing him, I "attack" him, blablabla.

So his new tactic (as of last week LOL) is to start ignoring me when I start "attacking" and pushing. Now, my pushing is VERY mild. He knows that I don't like it, so he basically does what he does when he disciplines his kids. When I'm ready to "have a normal conversation", I can contact him again ! And that makes me doubt that it's all true.

But then I think that all men hate pushing and the best way to retain him is to just tell him about my concerns (which he takes well) and then switch to positive things. It always gives good results and I think it's my capacity to do this is what's keeping him in love with me. And then I become hopeful again. And then the cycle repeats.

So I go from feeling happy, because I can't deny that he's been pretty much very consistant and the efforts he makes to see me prove his feelings. But his paranoia about me pushing him makes me wonder. And I constatly hesitate between waiting for him and breaking up.

Is there any way to know that he's not misleading me or is being confused ? Of course he says that he's not. But I was wondering what were the common signs of men who mislead mistresses for a long time.

Jeez, I always post the same thing ! LOL