Caught before it ever really started
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| Thu, 03-19-2009 - 11:45am |
About 4 years ago after my divorce, I had a FWB that could've turned into a relationship if he'd wanted it, because we had a really great friendship in addition to the oh-my-god sex. The stars just didn't align in that way, and later in the year, he got a girlfriend, but we've stayed friends all this time, albeit rarely, because once they got serious, he told her about the relationship we used to have, and of course, she wanted me as far from her BF as humanly possible, so we quietly gave up even the friendship part of it, just occassionally sending e-mail forwards, and once or twice a year, text messages.
Fast forward to now, through one of their breakups, then of them moving in together, and now she's pressuring him to propose, which he's dead set against. She knew when she met him that he never wanted to get married and have kids, but "thought he'd change his mind". So now he's been sending me texts after she goes to bed, telling me how much he misses me, etc., and what does he do because he feels like he's in too deep (they work together, too). He really wants to see me, but knows that she won't let him. He asked to see me over Easter while she's out of town, and we've been e-mailing about it for a few days.
I know full well that if I would let it, he would have me back in bed in a hot second, and I don't know if I'm completely opposed to that.
Apparently, the girlfriend knew something was up...she read his e-mail, and forwarded to herself, these last e-mails we exchanged. He gave her some BS excuse that he thought she was spying on him, so he got me to participate in these e-mails with him to try to catch her. I'd think she'd be smart enough to not believe that, but she hasn't contacted me yet, and this happened a few days ago. Why he was falling all over himself to make up to her, I don't know, he just must not be as miserable as he says he is, right? (Either that, or he wants to figure out something to leave in which she's the bad guy, not him.)
Anyway, I haven't heard from him since he texted me to tell me that if I got any e-mails, they were from her trying to trap me into saying something, not from him. I'm anxious to hear from him to know what's going on, but I can't text or e-mail him anything substantial, so I was thinking of sending him a short text today while he's at work that says, "I found that thing you wanted on Craigslist." And then making a post on the Missed Connections section with hints to the username and password of an e-mail I created for us to e-mail through where she can't spy. He'd know in an instant what they were with the hints I'd give.
Am I crazy?
I've always loved him in a way, and we had something that went far beyond FWB, we both just knew 4 years ago that we had to give a shot to finding what we were thought we were looking for, but now, 4 years later, it seems that we've changed, and WE'RE what we were looking for all along.
I just don't know what to do...

Why don't you tell him you want more than just a FWB. If you guys can't stay away from each other and neither one of you are M why are you sneaking around? I don't get it.
Why not shoot for a real R that is out in the open?
"Why don't you tell him you want more than just a FWB. If you guys can't stay away from each other and neither one of you are M why are you sneaking around? I don't get it. Why not shoot for a real R that is out in the open?"
The thing with him is (and I've always known it, which is why it didn't develop into a real relationship the first time), he's not really Relationship material. He's like the Eternal Bachelor. He's told me that he's happiest by himself, but as any human being, he has needs of being sexual and having occasional companionship. A relationship is too confining for him, which is why I (and many of his friends) were dumbfounded when he actually moved in with her last year. She just dazzled him from the beginning, and they work together, so he just feels that it's gone on so long that he's trapped, and now that the rose colored glasses are off, he's left just feeling emotionless and numb (his words).
Part of me still holds out hope that one day I'll get married and have kids, but realistically due to several reasons (a major illness that will probably mean that having children is not in my best interest), it's probably not in the cards for me, which is why I think that now, after 4 years, I can be content with what he has to offer, which I wouldn't have been in the beginning.
As far as why he won't leave her, I haven't gotten to the root of that yet, because Easter was going to be our first time actually seeing each other in about 3 years, and short texts and e-mails aren't very conducive to getting into the thick of it. I honestly don't know why he feels that he's "in too deep", other than the fact that they work together and their families have met and all love one another/them, and because they work together, all of their friends are intertwined, and it would be very life altering if they split up. That's really all I've got. :::shrugs::: She's also been such a big part of his life in the last few years, that I'm sure he *does* love her in some way, and is afraid to leave her, maybe doesn't want to enough until he feels 100% ready?
We were getting into the talking about it all when she found out, and now we're in a period of NC, and I'm just in limbo, waiting to hear from him. I'm guessing that she's monitoring his e-mail and cell phone very closely, and they carpool to and from work, so he's pretty well stuck in not having much time to sneak off and contact me.
I don't have anyone at all I can confide in IRL, so this is my only outlet. :-(
Ok this is what I "hear":
You all had a great relationship some years ago, friendship and WOW! sex to boot?
You are single and available?
He is technically single in the legal sense, but living with someone who is pressuring him to propose in hopes of changing him somewhere down the road...yeah right! We all know that rings and babies make relationships sooooo much better (total sarcasm there for those who missed it).
Is he, let's call him "mr. getting my cake and eating it Easter weekend"
My question would be: "Why are you letting yourself to be used like that?" Where's the dignity in all of this? He's not M, he wants a booty-call with you on Easter, got caught, goes and cook up "cockamamy" story to get her off the scent so she won't kick is azz to the curve and you're the hungry piranha waiting in the water to gobble him up when he falls. But he probably won't fall because he's holding on for dear life.
So, what do I see? Even if you get him by default, expect to just be a booty. If he's a "Eternal Bachelor" then that's should be a good clue for you to not get involve "emotionally" AND "physically". Look, you were D when you hooked up with him before, why did he go and find someone else? Because you're not the one for him. You're only good enough for once in a while roll.
Do yourself a favor, drop the holding on hope with this guy and just keep the friendship PLATONIC.
"People spend a lifetime searching for happiness; looking for peace. They chase idle dreams, addictions, religions, even other people, hoping to fill the emptiness that plagues them. The irony is the only place they ever needed to search was within."
- Ramona L. Anderson
This whole thing smacks of an affair with a married man except for the fact that he's not married.....yet. He's giving you the same song and dance a married man would be giving you about how he feels about her and the relationship. He might as well be married.
Seems to me you have two choices here....you can choose to be his little sumthin' sumthin' on the side, or you can choose to not be a part of this drama. Honestly, I don't see anything else happening here.
One question for you...you said you had thought that you'd get married and have kids one day with someone, but now that you've had this disease that compromises your body if you were to have kids, you would probably be alright with what he has to offer. In other words, no committment? Don't kid yourself. You may be telling yourself that now, but I guarantee if you were to get involved with him and he wouldn't commit, you would not be happy.