Caught today

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2011
Caught today
17
Wed, 09-12-2012 - 10:44pm

I need to talk about this in order to process it.  I have been in AP for 2 yrs. With all of the emotional ups & downs, it was too much for me to handle. I told him it was consuming me & we agreed to be friends.  This is very difficult for me since we see eachother at work everyday, but he's not a mean guy so eventually things would be okay I think.  This happened 2 weeks ago and today he told me that his w found out and he's devastated because he is afraid she will leave him and he won't see his kids everyday. It is possible that she will contact me, since she found out by his phone records.  What should I do if I get a call or a text from her? I just want to be done with the whole things & finally move on with my life.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-08-2011
In reply to: babybah
Wed, 09-12-2012 - 10:54pm

I can only tell yu how I would handle it.  3 things:

1) You do NOT owe her an explanation, nor would I offer one if I were you.  I think things will become more complicated if you do.

2) Deny, deny, deny.  Yes, even if there is a video, pictures and witnesses.  No sense in digging your own hole and waiting to be thrown in it.

3) If she doesn't believe it or wants to continue the conversation refer her to her HUSBAND.  She needs to have the conversation with him, not you.

Remember that your only allegience is to yourself.  IF she calls, you remember that you don't owe anyone an explanation. 

Much Peace!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2011
In reply to: babybah
Wed, 09-12-2012 - 11:20pm

Thanks so much.

I keep thinking of him and his feelings & I need to start thinking about mine.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2007
In reply to: babybah
Wed, 09-12-2012 - 11:35pm
I agree with referring it back to H & say as little as possible. It's between them, not the 3 of you & there's no reason to involve yourself with it. Just curious, how did she find out?
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2012
In reply to: babybah
Thu, 09-13-2012 - 8:06am
Whatever you do don't respond to any text or call, I mean what sort of a conversation are you expecting to be had from answering the call. Unless of course you want to apologise, i guess that would be different. When my AP was discovered, I was expecting to hear from his xW, I never did, I also wanted to send her a letter to apologise, but AP was against it, so i respected his wish. Hopefully this BS is as gracious as my AP's xW was.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2011
In reply to: babybah
Thu, 09-13-2012 - 8:10am

A neighbor told her that they saw someone come to their house while she was at work.  She then looked at his phone records and found my number.  No way she could tell it was a woman or me without calling, but he confessed.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2012
In reply to: babybah
Thu, 09-13-2012 - 12:04pm
Loose lips sink ships. Plead the 5th. Ignore his calls and texts. Don't answer any unknown numbers. This is their problem and if she lashes out at you because of his actions in their home, she needs to reevaluation the situation. You were merely a catalyst.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2012
In reply to: sonyut
Thu, 09-13-2012 - 12:04pm
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-08-2011
In reply to: _kittery
Thu, 09-13-2012 - 12:14pm

I caught my H twice and both times I called the OW. 

The first lady, I told her that their relationship bothered me but I knew he was responsible not her.  She told me he was just helping her through some problems and, being who I am, I helped her, got her a side job, called in to check on her and her children.  They both told me they ended the friendship.  I even sent her money so she wouldn't need to become a prostitute to feed her children.

The second lady, I was 6 months pregnant and looked at his phone bill and saw a number a lot.  I called it, I asked her if she knew my husband, she said yes, I asked her if they were sleeping together she said yes.  I told her some things about me, tht I was pregnant, about him, that he was still beating me until I laid on the floor bleeding and if he ever did that to him, to please call the police and protect herself.  I did also offer her money to take him away because he wouldn't leave me.

I called her a few weeks later to make sure she was ok, I was afraid H would hurt her for having told me.  She told me she was fine.  I offer to pay for a therapist.

 

My point is that you may get a BS like I was and that would be truly painful for you.  I know that the OW felt horrible and hurt because in my pain I was trying to protect them.  Please do not put yourself in that position.  If she calls, do not engage in any conversation.  The affair is their business not yours!

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2011
In reply to: babybah
Thu, 09-13-2012 - 12:47pm

She tricked him into telling her the calls were to a woman.  He had never looked at their phone account and didn't know what was available to view.  He thought she could see who it was to, but I showed him that she can't and he gave up vital info and didn't need to. I don't think he has admitted to the A.  He said we were friends and talked about work & that I was going thru a tough time so he was helping me with that.  He said he doesn't think she believes him.  Especially since there is the "someone saw me go to his house", how does he skate around that now that he admitted talking to someone.  If I were her I would be putting 2 & 2 together.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2010
In reply to: babybah
Thu, 09-13-2012 - 7:31pm
This happened to me...I got the call and texts. Do not answer any strange numbers or his number because she may call from his phone...change your voice mail to system standard voice so if your name or voice is on it, she cannot get it. Do not respond to any texts.

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