Change of Behavior
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Change of Behavior
| Tue, 05-04-2004 - 8:22pm |
I read an article today on the bus ride home- it discusses behavioral changes as they relate to relationships in general. When one person changes behavior it will be interpretated numerous different ways. I won't go into everything, but I thought about manu of us here. Seems we women come to the men moreso than the men to the women. For example- me. I would usually be the one that would saunter over to my MM at our kids' game. This past weekend- I did not at all. So I changed my behavior. Anyhow, the author notes that we never know how this change is viewed in the other's eyes.
My question/comment would be: if we changed our behavior would this make any difference in the overall scheme of things? Again, my example- does my MM wonder why I did not approach him this weekend?
Just curious on thoughts... there were other comments on this topic as well, but it's too much to go into.
v.

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Of course it makes him wonder. Any notable behavior change will get the attention of someone if they care at all about the situation.
Just to state the obvious: taking this sort of "I'll change my actions and see what he does" behavior to an extreme might be consider "playing" or something similar. Trying to force him to make the first move is one thing, just be careful you don't try to affect his behavior to the point that he starts to feel manipulated.
rain
As for me, I changed my behavior for 1) I needed to get my head out of my a-- about all of this and grow up; 2) felt unsure of how things stood since he was too busy to get together this week so was scared to death to talk to him and surely did NOT ant him to sense this, and 3)& 4) wanted to feel some type of dignity and yes, control over the situation. Not to have him think I was a sure thing. If he wanted to talk with me- he could have. I'm not out to manipulate at all, but if he thinks he holds all the cards, then I need to leave the deck. Rain- I love this man so I would not want to hurt him nor play games. I even told him I am not a game player. But I need to stop giving in and initiating. If he wants to email or call; I would welcome that immenseley. But I don't think he will. If he is waiting for me to initiate contact, he will need to wait. Maybe he'll initiate. Maybe he's wondering why I was not by him this weekend, if so - he can ask if it gets the best of him. If not, then I have certainly not manipualted him at all. Just gotten my act together.
I don't mean to sound cold and calculated. I'm getting myself back to the strong, confident woman I know I am.
1. He called me two weekends ago...he got my voice mail on my cell(this is not normal...I answer the phone 99.99% of the time when he calls...I was just in a mood and didn't feel like being bothered)...he left a message to call him back as soon as I got his message...now normally I would have returned his call right away...he called me at 10 in the morning and I didn't return his call until after 6 that night and the first thing he said to me was...what took you so long to call me back and questioned everything I did that day as to why it took me so long to return his call because he knows this is not normal for me...needless to say, he was at my house an hour later, LOL and I hadn't even planned on seeing him.
2. I was talking to him Friday after work...I casually asked him what he was doing this weekend...he said well, I have this on Saturday and this on Sunday...my heart hurt of course because I knew I wouldn't be seeing him over the weekend but this time I didnt let it show...normally I would be like...so, I guess I won't be seeing you this weekend huh (sounding all down and sad)...but this time my reply back to him was...well, have a good weekend and I'll talk...and he cut me off mid sentence and said what do you mean have a good weekend, aren't you going to be around...I will talk to you, right?
Both of these things just prove your point in what you posted and yes, they do notice the change in habit and the change in the way you act...my MM proved that point twice just in the past two weeks.
I notice when all of this really starts to get to me and I am ready to give up on him and our relationship...it comes out in the way I act and the way I sound on the phone...he senses that and puts in more effort...I don't do this intentionlly though...sometimes this whole A just takes its toll and I just feel like I can't deal with it anymore and I guess I kind of pull away from him and I know he can sense it.
Would it be something I would do to try to change things between us? No...I am not a game player and I have too much at stake emotionally to play games...I don't like it done to me so I would not do it to him.
Of course no one ever really *knows* what is in the head of another. This is why we shouldn't base our actions on the anticipated reactions of others, in general.
Asking if we change our actions would it result in the overall scheme of things is like asking if a drop of rain into a pool of water would make a change. There are so many possible variables and other influences, who knows what the outcome would be - good or bad?
I say be yourself...don't try to be or do someone you aren't no matter MM's actions/reactions, and don't expect MM to be or do someone other than him, no matter your actions/reactions.
Meow
not
I too get tired of initiating everything in my R with mm. He does have a job that is a lot more demanding then most, so I try to be patient but I do get to a point where I just don't call. I grow tired of it, not that I want to play games.
This weekend was a perfect example, I told him on Thurs I was going away for the weekend with H and he wanted to get together on Friday morning. He was going to call me but didn't so I went on my weekend with no contact from mm. On monday I did call but didnt leave a message on his cell when I got the "i'm on another line" message so he had a missed call from me. That was it. I didn't call back that day, or Tues.. He called me yesterday (Tues) at 3:00 and went on about how he was tied up the last couple days and offered his explaination for Friday without me asking. We saw each other yesterday (divine ;)) and if he expained his job and it's demands to me once he did it a thousand times! I just kept telling him I totally understand and not to worry. So by him not getting the usual 1-2 calls from me a day, he must have become concerned I was mad or putting distance between us and needed to rectify it. Makes me feel like just another piece to our relationship has strengthened as much as it can in this situation.
deedee
So hard though....
I already have received 1, asking me if I was in the office or
not. He had no idea if I was or wasn't.
He know usually I e-mail him on Mon AM and we talk about our
weekends, but I was tired also of always being the one to
start off on Monday. So I kept real busy at work, and I
did it!!
I know it is only Wed but we will see how the rest of the week goes.
Also, I noticed something strange. With my MM whenever I
mention our sports teams ( we both love baseball and basketball)
re any news about them, I get a response within seconds.......
if the subject matter is just conversing in general...takes him
minutes even 1/2 hr to reply.
Is this true for anyone else?
Just interested...
Bunny
I was thinking I could send him a similiar email re: a hockey clinic that his kid and mine will be in this summer together. It would be very general in nature. And I am leaving work at 11:30 am. so IF i send one, it will be right before I leave and I'll stick my out of office auto-reply on go from there. Won't look like I'm hanging around for a response.
But I need to be strong and NOT even send it.... PLS SOMEONE- BREAK MY FINGERS SO I DO NOT DO THIS!!!
I have been strong all week.....YOU CAN TO!!
Go outside and take a walk for a minute.....I do that also!!
It does help!!
Bunny
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