Change of Behavior

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2004
Change of Behavior
24
Tue, 05-04-2004 - 8:22pm
I read an article today on the bus ride home- it discusses behavioral changes as they relate to relationships in general. When one person changes behavior it will be interpretated numerous different ways. I won't go into everything, but I thought about manu of us here. Seems we women come to the men moreso than the men to the women. For example- me. I would usually be the one that would saunter over to my MM at our kids' game. This past weekend- I did not at all. So I changed my behavior. Anyhow, the author notes that we never know how this change is viewed in the other's eyes.

My question/comment would be: if we changed our behavior would this make any difference in the overall scheme of things? Again, my example- does my MM wonder why I did not approach him this weekend?

Just curious on thoughts... there were other comments on this topic as well, but it's too much to go into.

v.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-10-2004
In reply to: vles64
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 12:51pm
vles, vles, vles...

Don't you do that! You'll regret it if he doesn't reply or you don't get the kind of response you are looking for. Relax, keep busy, and keep your pride and dignity way above and beyond your relationship with him!!! If something does not feel right...it probably isn't and you shouldn't do it; when something is right, it will feel easy and almost effortless!

Keep it up

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2003
In reply to: vles64
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 1:05pm
The aggressive person is rarely in full control. You cannot see more than a couple of moves ahead, cannot see the consequences of this bold move or that one. Because you are constantly being forced to react to the moves of others, and the unforeseen consequences of your own rash actions, your aggressive energy is turned against you.

In the realm of power, you must ask yourself, what is the point of chasing here and there, trying to solve problems if I never feel in control? Why am I always having to react to events instead of directing them? The answer is simple: Your idea of power is wrong. You have mistaken aggressive action for effective action. And most often the most effective action is to stay back, keep calm, and let others be frustrated by the traps you lay for them, playing for long-term power rather than quick victory.

Remember: The essence of power is the ability to keep the initiative, to get others to react to your moves, to keep others and those around you on the defensive. When you make other people come to you, you suddenly become the one controlling the situtaiton. And the one who has control has power. Two things must happen to place you in this position: You Yourself must learn to master your emotions, and never to be influenced by anger; meanwhile, however, you must play on people's natural tendency to react angrily when pushed and baited. In the long run, the ability to make others come to you is a weapon far more powerful than any tool of aggression.

Also, for meetings it is always wise to lure others into your territory, or the territory of your choice. You have your bearings, while they see nothing familiar and are subtly placed on the defensive.

Manipulation is a dangerous game. Once someone suspects his being manipulated, it becomes harder and harder to control him. But when you make him come to you, you create the illusion that he is controlling situation. He does not feel the strings that pull him.

Everything depends on the sweetness of your bait. If your bait is attractive enough, the turbulence of his emotions and desires will blind him to reality. The greedier he becomes, the more he can be led.

When you are making people come to you, it is sometimes better to let them know you are forcing their hand. You give up deception for overt manipulation. The psychological ramifications are profound: The person who makes others come to her appears powerful, and demands respect.

Image: The Honeyed Bear Trap. The bear hunter does not chase his prey; a bear that knows it is hunted is nearly impossible to catch and is ferocious if cornered. Instead, the hunter lays traps baited with honey. He does not exhauist himself and risk his life in pursuit. He baits, then waits.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2004
In reply to: vles64
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 5:39pm
WELL FOLKS- I F'ING HATE MYSELF. I SENT THE EMAIL AND IT WAS EXTREMELY NON-RELATIONAL. ONLY ABOUT HOCKEY. NO EMOTION WAS SHOWN WHATSOEVER. IN FACT, I SUGGESTED HE TAKE HIS DAUGHTER OUT OF THE CLINIC. (NOT FOR ANY REASON RELATED TO HIM AND ME). ENDED IT WITH "JUST AN FYI". IT WAS MAYBE ALL OF 3-4 SENTENCES. BUT THAT IS IRRELEVENT, I CAVED NONE THE LESS. I MIGHT AS WELL PUT A HOT POKER IN MY EYE. I AM A STRONG, SMART WOMAN- WHY DO I CONSTANTLY LET THE ROMANTIC FOOL IN ME SHOW THROUGH???



I SENT IT AROND 11:30AM AND IT IS NOT 4:35PM AND NO REPLY. SO IN ESSENCE THERE WAS NO REASON TO RESPOND, BUT OF COURSE I WOULD HAVE LIKED ONE.

AGAIN, I HAVE BECOME MY OWN WORST ENEMY.

SIGNED,

QUEEN OF SELF -STUPIDITY

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
In reply to: vles64
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 6:10pm
vles64, you couldn't be the queen of stupidity with me over here. I take the crown for that... LOL ((((((Hugs for us girls)))))
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2004
In reply to: vles64
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 6:45pm
J- I have a great bottle of wine here (Minnesota). H and kids are gone for the next few hours so c'mon over and lament with me on why we do such stupid-a-- things when we know better!!!!!!

<<>>

v.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2004
In reply to: vles64
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 7:36pm
hello there. i am new to this whole concept of discussign my xma. but i have read this discussion on changing behaviors and i agree.... when evey i get distant he runs to me. i don't try to get distant on prupose but it happens.


And sending the email....i have been there. actually i visit that every other week!! i swear i can get thru a day and then i break. i would love to hear any words of wisdom on this issue. i could live without this man untill i get his response and i melt all over again!

tx, Saag41

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2004
In reply to: vles64
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 7:42pm
Saag-

Read anything from most folks on here and they are dead-on. Be patient and accepting of what this all is. (ok, now I need to go back and re-read my what I just wrote!). Most say that their OM/OW/MM/MW come back when they perceive there is silence or a distance growing. I think the waiting game, as badly as I play it, is still, alas, the best words of wisdom.

I wish I could/would/should be more patient and see what happens, I still need to learn this myself.

Best of luck and please ,unlike me- don't hit the 'send' button...

v.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2004
In reply to: vles64
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 7:56pm
thank you v for the reply. i have been reading this board for the last hour. and i know i am not done. i am finding that i am not alone in what is going on. one thing i have not come across yet is the strange situation i am in. (sorry i don't know the abbriviations yet so i have to spell the words)

i am married and h moved out 5 months ago. he did not know about my a. but he does now! here is the strange part the the w of the om knows and calls me to compare notes! i am trying hard to be nice but i am losing it. also he is still living with her and keeps telling her he is being honest but lies about seeing me. when she calls i try to cut it short so i don't let it out. not sure what to do next

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
In reply to: vles64
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 8:13pm
Hey saag and V,

you all are right. They keep you happy till you play the waiting game, then once they have "won" you over, its like "you fatso" thing all over again. I know some men keep claiming they are different but I don't think so, all of them are the same. I gues we should all be vary of the "i am different" types than the regular ones, as they seem to play the game very well.

Juliet

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2004
In reply to: vles64
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 8:22pm
juliet....that's funny i just realized the most trouble i have from men are the ones that claim "but i am not like other guys" bull pucky they just know how to play the game better and their words are slicker!