Changes...

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2004
Changes...
32
Tue, 02-24-2004 - 10:27am
It has been quite a while since I have written anything on here. About a month ago, I talked on here about an A I had and how I was considering leaving my M. My W is pregnant and I decided she deserved me making an attempt to save the M. I told the OW that I had to try and she had things going on in her life that made it difficult for her to talk to me anyway.

In the interim, my W and I have started counseling. I expected to go in there and hear how I was wrong to think we had problems and things weren't that bad. Imagine my surprise when the counselor tells me in a one on one session that my W and I are so different in our communication needs that we probably aren't a good match and it may not work. It was validating for me, but still scary to hear. My W still doesn't understand what the problem is and I'm having difficulties making her understand. I'm hoping with time and more counseling she'll see. Regardless, I am more convinced now than ever that my M will not work. All I'm trying to do at this point is make it to the birth of my baby and hopefully a month or two beyond. I think for my own sake and for my W's, we both need to move on at some point while we're still young.

Another development is I did start talking to the OW again. First online and then on the phone again. This all developed in the last couple of weeks. Our love is very real and I now know I at least hope to build something with her when my M is ended. Until then, obviously this will have to be an A again. I was able to plan a trip to see her over the weekend and we spent three perfect days together. She and I connect on every level and even though we probably won't be able to see one another for at least 6 months, we parted without too many tears. I gave her some things that are special to me and she gave me some that are special to her. I don't know what will happen in the future, but I know I love her and I'll walk through fire to get back to her if I have to.

I'm sure some of you are disappointed in me, but I feel better about myself than I ever have. I know now that my M has restricted me to the point I haven't been myself. Now I'm not holding back anymore. I plan to find my happiness, wherever it may lead. The most important thing to me is being a good father though and I love my kids more than anything. I'm hoping my W will agree to shared custody where we alternate weeks or days. I'm my son's primary caregiver and I anticipate being that for my next child also.

Anyway, I just thought I'd update and see what everyone thinks. I know I'm not perfect and I've made so many mistakes. But I don't view my relationship with the OW as one. In fact, I don't consider her an OW or the relationship and A. It is much more special than that. I hope everyone finds something so special. Isn't that what life is about?

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
In reply to: omahamm
Tue, 02-24-2004 - 11:13am

hi omaha and welcome back!

CL-Gurlfriend50

Co-CL of My Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-19-2004
In reply to: omahamm
Tue, 02-24-2004 - 11:33am
omaha,

The biggest skeptic that I am, I need to ask you this:

Do you think that your wife and you never had the "love" or do you think you grew apart?

I always wonder why people fall out of love. You will see people here blaming their spouses for the qualities they lack. I wonder what attracted them to their spouse in the first place and it must have been something strong for them to consider getting married to them. Or in other words how and why did they fall in love in the first place. Did these people not work hard enough to keep the love and marriage intact? Or is that the love wasn't there from the beginning (which is kind of hard to comprehend) and that they entered the marriage for the wrong reasons and if they did, why?

Do you think that you and your new love have what you need to be together for the rest of your lives? Do you think you would be working harder this time to keep it together since you would not want another marriage to fail and thats what would be keeping you together forever? Or do you think you have found your proverbial "soulmate" and thats why you will be together forever?

Just trying to analyze.

Thanks,

PG

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
In reply to: omahamm
Tue, 02-24-2004 - 11:42am
God, did your post strike a nerve! Go for it, buddy. It looks like you've done everything you possibly could to save your marriage and it's just not working out. Stay for as long as you have to for the sake of your newborn, and then leave. You can still be a good father to your children, in all honesty, I think you will do more harm than good by staying and letting them grow up in a miserable environment with unhappy and resentful parents.

Don't let your love slip away from you - if you do you will regret it till the day you die. Life doesn't give us very many chances. It's given you yours - make sure you grab it and never let it go!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
In reply to: omahamm
Tue, 02-24-2004 - 11:45am
listen to him omaha, boston knows whereof he speaks!

CL-Gurlfriend50

Co-CL of My Affair Support Board

Avatar for jennlynnk
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2003
In reply to: omahamm
Tue, 02-24-2004 - 11:57am
(hugs).......alright, that doens't have the same supportive ring when you are saying it to a guy as when you are saying it to a woman LOL!!!

i think the most important thing is that you are taking it slow, and not completely discounting any option yet. i know of which i speak, people get hurt when these kinds of decisions are rushed. Be proud, you are handling it well and doing the right thing, slowly but surely following your heart, and the counselling is great, because you will be making this final decision from solid ground, not just your emotions.

Disappointed in you? Us??? Why you've lost it :) :)

jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2004
In reply to: omahamm
Tue, 02-24-2004 - 1:23pm
That is an excellent question. Believe me, I've gone over these same issues myself. I know I'm not perfect and I have some work to do on me before I'm really ready to commit to a marriage again. But my W and I have very different emotional needs and they are so far apart I just don't think we can ever meet one another. The counselor compared it to a pyramid. I'm up towards the top in emotional and communication needs and she is near the bottom. Either she has to come up or I have to go down and she said no one ever goes down. My W just doesn't open up. Trying to talk to her about something meaningful is like pulling teeth. I love her and I probably always will. But as most of us find out, love is not enough.

As far as whether the problem always existed, it definitely did. My problem was I was so worried about making her happy I never stopped to consider if I was happy in the relationship. You're right that marriage is a lot of work and at some point, I definitely quit trying to communicate with her because I got nothing in return. But the core problem was always there and will probably always be there. I don't want my M to fail but I can't continue to live this way either. I just don't think she wants to change and she was happy living the way we were. I know there is someone out there who would be thrilled to be married to her. She's a sweet person and we never fight. There just isn't enough there for me. I would never say she is lacking anything. We're just different.

On to the other person, I don't know if there is a soulmate for each of us. Until this other person, I never would have even considered that idea. But she truly does make me feel like I've found someone who completes me better than I ever thought anyone could. I look at it this way: Destiny brought us together...from this point on though, destiny is in our hands. I'm working through my insecurities and other things that hurt my previous relationship and I know I'll be ready to fully commit to someone and be a tremendous partner and husband. I hope it is her but if it isn't, I will deal with that and be okay. But I think Boston makes a point when he says we only get so many chances in life. I don't intend to let her slip through my hands without finding out if we do have what it takes. I know after this last weekend we both think this is worth waiting for.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2004
In reply to: omahamm
Tue, 02-24-2004 - 1:29pm
Actually Jen, that hug definitely was very supportive and I do appreciate it. :)

I almost did rush to this decision, but you're right that taking it slow is the way to go. I find it difficult sometimes because I'm not a dishonest person by nature and I just want to be honest about how I feel. But I also don't want to do anything I might regret. I need to be there for this baby and I'm not sure she would let me if I left now. The counseling is definitely helping me feel good about myself and secure in my decision.

Thank you so much for your support and your ideas. They are both greatly appreciated.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2004
In reply to: omahamm
Tue, 02-24-2004 - 1:48pm
Wow- I feel like this could be my story only I've been in my marriage probably a bit longer than you. My kids are all grown up but I stuck it out for them. My wife and I are so very distant emotionally that I knew a long time ago it was going to end sooner or later. I do believe in my heart that waiting for the kids and taking care of this family as long as I could was the right decision. But a time has to come when people realize that a marriage cannot just be one person trying to make it work. It's not fair and its just not right. We all deserve to be happy, life should not just be about sacrifice. And I have also been blessed enough to meet my soulmate- something I never thought would happen but which truely has. Everytime we spend time together it just gets better. We are patient people who understand there are just things in this life worth waiting for!

Good luck to you and keep taking care as best you can of that baby on the way. Kids are the one of the greatest joys of our lifetime- no doubt!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
In reply to: omahamm
Tue, 02-24-2004 - 3:04pm
Congratulations! I used to post here about a year ago..was involved with a MM at the time. I think it is wonderful that you have the courage to find your happiness and to realize that you & your W are just not a good match. It is also refreshing to know that you KNOW you can still be a wonderful parent, even if you don't live under the same roof. My ex MM stayed with his SO after she discovered our affair, and he stayed for his children. He feared for their emotional and financial well-being, as his SO was never a very stable person. It broke my heart, and also made me angry because I thought of him as someone who was weak..I knew he wanted and deserved so much more from life. You have chosen to make a new life for yourself, and I just wanted to wish you all the best!

Cinderella

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2004
In reply to: omahamm
Tue, 02-24-2004 - 7:38pm
Just another view to use caution. I won't get into all the unsettling details of my experience. I was the pregnant wife (he wanted the child) whose husband of 8 year left me for another, while still carrying his child. Incidently, your post caught my attention.

Since you seem to have a genuine concern for your wife even though you do not see yourself with her for the longterm, be aware that if you leave her now or shortly after the birth of your child, the emotional devastation for a woman during this time can be bad. I know...I lived it. Since you can take it slow, it doesn't sound like life at home is horrible. Please hold out for as long as possible after the birth.






Pages