Changes...

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2004
Changes...
32
Tue, 02-24-2004 - 10:27am
It has been quite a while since I have written anything on here. About a month ago, I talked on here about an A I had and how I was considering leaving my M. My W is pregnant and I decided she deserved me making an attempt to save the M. I told the OW that I had to try and she had things going on in her life that made it difficult for her to talk to me anyway.

In the interim, my W and I have started counseling. I expected to go in there and hear how I was wrong to think we had problems and things weren't that bad. Imagine my surprise when the counselor tells me in a one on one session that my W and I are so different in our communication needs that we probably aren't a good match and it may not work. It was validating for me, but still scary to hear. My W still doesn't understand what the problem is and I'm having difficulties making her understand. I'm hoping with time and more counseling she'll see. Regardless, I am more convinced now than ever that my M will not work. All I'm trying to do at this point is make it to the birth of my baby and hopefully a month or two beyond. I think for my own sake and for my W's, we both need to move on at some point while we're still young.

Another development is I did start talking to the OW again. First online and then on the phone again. This all developed in the last couple of weeks. Our love is very real and I now know I at least hope to build something with her when my M is ended. Until then, obviously this will have to be an A again. I was able to plan a trip to see her over the weekend and we spent three perfect days together. She and I connect on every level and even though we probably won't be able to see one another for at least 6 months, we parted without too many tears. I gave her some things that are special to me and she gave me some that are special to her. I don't know what will happen in the future, but I know I love her and I'll walk through fire to get back to her if I have to.

I'm sure some of you are disappointed in me, but I feel better about myself than I ever have. I know now that my M has restricted me to the point I haven't been myself. Now I'm not holding back anymore. I plan to find my happiness, wherever it may lead. The most important thing to me is being a good father though and I love my kids more than anything. I'm hoping my W will agree to shared custody where we alternate weeks or days. I'm my son's primary caregiver and I anticipate being that for my next child also.

Anyway, I just thought I'd update and see what everyone thinks. I know I'm not perfect and I've made so many mistakes. But I don't view my relationship with the OW as one. In fact, I don't consider her an OW or the relationship and A. It is much more special than that. I hope everyone finds something so special. Isn't that what life is about?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-17-2004
In reply to: omahamm
Tue, 02-24-2004 - 9:55pm
One thing i don't understand, is why you are continuing couseling with your wife?? if you are so determined to be with the ow, then your mind is made up, and no amount of counseling will do for the two of you. I would be honest to your wife, and tell her you want a divorce. Another thing i don't get, is, if you've been in this affair for a while, then WHY did you allow your wife to become pregnant?? you were still sleeping with the wife?? a big no no, getting pregnant, especially if you knew you loved the ow, and plan to be with her. I think it would only be fair, to set your wife free, so that she too, can find happiness with someone. You might want to hang around for a while, to develop a bond with your child. That is the most important thing right now. But while you are still "hanging around" for your child; please be honest that your feelings are no longer there for your wife, and don't lead her on by continuing to have sex with her. You can't live a double standard if you love the ow. Pretending to your wife, will only add to your stress and hers, and going to counseling with her, only gives her hope, that your marriage will work out, when actually your heart is somewhere else. Think about this. And good luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-24-2004
In reply to: omahamm
Tue, 02-24-2004 - 10:08pm
The only negative thing I am going to say is this, "STOP HAVEING SEX WITH YOUR WIFE!" For God's sake man, you are (1) making babies you obviously don't need at this point and (2) leading your wife on and making it harder for you to leave her in the end.

Having said that, I understand your connection with your girlfriend, as your description is exactly how I would describe mine with my lover. And unfortunetly we estranged at this time. So I say to you, make a game plan and stick with it. Life is too short not to be with the one who makes you wildly happy. Go to her and drink her up. If she makes you that happy then chances are you make her that happy. Cherish each other.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2004
In reply to: omahamm
Wed, 02-25-2004 - 10:46am
Okay, I understand what you're saying, but let me explain the situation. My A didn't start until December. And even then it was only talking. My W became pregnant a couple of months earlier. I admit it is terrible timing, but I can't regret my son and life is what it is at this point. I am not currently having sex with my W and I don't intend to. I'll admit I am deceiving her in that she believes I'm trying to make our M work. But I know from experience that if I don't pretend, she will want me out of the house right away. And as you said, I need to be there for my son and also for her. I would love nothing better than to be honest and tell her how I feel but that I want to stay in the house until the baby is born and we get through the first couple of months. But she wouldn't allow that I'm sure. So I'm torn in that respect. Should I lie for the sake of my son or tell the truth for the sake of my W? I should also mention that my W had trouble bonding with our first son and the counselor has told me it is important I am there for my new son.

I agree my W needs to be free to find her own happiness and I want that for her. But she isn't likely to find it while she goes through the last couple of months of a pregnancy. If you have a suggestion of what I should do, I'd love advice. I just don't know what better way to handle the situation.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-16-2004
In reply to: omahamm
Wed, 02-25-2004 - 11:12am
Omaha...it is refreshing to see someone who knows their responsibilities as well as their desires. I am so thrilled for you having found love with your OW, and proud that you are being there for your W during the rest of the pregnancy. I agree that you should be there for her and the baby for a bit after the delivery. Post partum depression is something that can occur (it happened for me after the birth of my first child and my M wasn't even problematic at that time) and dealing with the stress of divorce...I can't even begin to imagine. Be straightforward with your W...even though she might be upset and sad (which would be understandable), she'll eventually realize that she shouldn't be with someone who loves another. And tell your OW to be patient and wait....and that you love her very much. Keep reassuring her. Us girls love to know that.

(((HUGS)))

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
In reply to: omahamm
Wed, 02-25-2004 - 2:43pm

hi omaha -- well, you know how i feel about your situation, but i just wanted to echo what regrets said.

CL-Gurlfriend50

Co-CL of My Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-17-2004
In reply to: omahamm
Thu, 02-26-2004 - 12:15am
I feel for you; you sound like a really good man. Really. You just don't know what to do at this point. I can understand how you are torn between your ow and your son. Your son happened for a reason. Bad timing maybe, but just maybe that is the gift you endure, for a bad marriage. I truly believe a person should be with the one they love; not lust; but love. And if it is not with your wife, then whoever makes you happy. Sometimes, you've done all you can do in a marriage, and it just falls through. Can i ask you why you started counseling with your wife? my advice, is, if you know what you want to do, you are right by not having sex with the wife. Being there for your son, is the greatest thing. Like i said, a gift from an ending marriage. I would advise staying friends with the wife, once your marriage ends. This will prevent any custody fights, over your son, in the future. And he will need both parents, even though you will be apart, as he is growing. Good luck to you. I agree with another poster, to continue counseling. I've had second thoughts about what i said before. It WILL give her some insight as to why the marriage had fallen apart, when it does end. Take care; and let us know what comes about!! God bless.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2004
In reply to: omahamm
Thu, 02-26-2004 - 10:18am
I want to thank everyone for their interest and their thoughts. I believe in what I'm doing for the most part. I have my doubts now and again about deceiving my W as to my intentions. But I view it as a process. It would be very traumatic for me to tell her I intend to leave right now when she is pregnant. I'm not sure it will be any easier after the birth of my son, but at least she will have had counseling and as I said, I am slowly moving in the direction of letting her know. I realize now that in some ways I am going to have to be strong and possibly even be a little cold. I don't come by that naturally, but ultimately I'll have to give her a clean break. I fully intend to remain friends with her. I have no animosity towards her at all. I care about her and want nothing but happiness for her. I just realize I can't be her happiness. I only hope she is able to remain friends with me for the sake of our children. She has said she would never punish me or our kids by keeping them from me. But when it all happens, I'm still scared she might feel different.

The only comfort I have throughout all of this is I know I am a good father and will continue to be. And I know I have a budding relationship with someone I love deeply and who I feel compatible with in every way. I guess at this point I just need to get through the next 6 months in order to get to the point when I can hopefully find my true happiness, both in myself and in my relationship. It does help me to talk about this and I appreciate all of you who have listened and offered your advice and support. It really does mean a lot to me. :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2004
In reply to: omahamm
Sun, 02-29-2004 - 11:17am
Well as usually seems to be the case in life, my plan didn't exactly pan out. On Friday, my W came home from her counseling and told me she could tell I had been distant and she and the counselor talked about me fully commiting to the process. At that point, I felt it was only fair of me to tell her the truth...well part of it anyway. I didn't mention the OW at all because as far as my W knows, she is out of the picture. But I did tell her that my heart and my mind aren't in trying to make this M work and in a lot of ways, I was just staying to be there for her and the baby. Obviously she was very upset by this and we've talked about it for the last two days. She's currently trying to decide whether she can live with me being here for the kids for the next 6 months or not. I hope that she can but I'll understand if she can't. This is not the way I wanted this to happen, but sometimes life throws us for a loop and plans change. I'm scared of course because I wasn't planning on possibly having to move out so quickly and I also am determined to be there for my kids. I'm thinking I will tell her I won't move out unless she agrees to let me have Kirkland every other week and the same with the baby after he is born. Is this reasonable? I mean she can't make me move out, but I don't want to cause her emotional distress anymore than I have to. All comments are welcome, good and bad. Thank you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2004
In reply to: omahamm
Sun, 02-29-2004 - 12:30pm
Hi Omaha...



Gee, you're really in a tough one...

Pregnancy is an extremely emotional time for women...

Your wife's emotions will do a complete turn-around throughout these last couple months...sometimes many times in the same day...

Understanding that, and respecting that, will go a long way towards a better resolution for all of you once your new child is born, her "sanity" has returned, and you can hopefully go on with your lives as loving parents...

It will probably be frustrating as hell for you when one moment she wants you to move out, and the next moment she won't...

Get a book on post-partum depression, and memorize the signs of it...childbirth affects all women differently...and facing the end of her marriage will most likely make it worse...

Make sure you tell her you respect her feelings, but that you don't want to make any decisions at this time...that you're going to be there for her through this, and stick with that...

Most of all, reassure her..respect her...

You and this woman will always have a connection through your children...respect that...







iVillage Member
Registered: 01-19-2004
In reply to: omahamm
Sun, 02-29-2004 - 1:43pm
I will give you an opinion that is probably radically different from anybody else's here. I hope that you consider a few points:

1) How can your counselling be complete when the counselor or your wife do not even know about the other woman? The OW has a big role in you making this decision....if she didn't, the present situation of you considering divorce when your wife is pregnant wouldn't have arisen....the reason being your wife wouldn't be pregnant in the first place...unless you say that its a normal thing for you to have a dead marriage and still contemplate a child.

2) I gave you a few reasons in the other thread about men seriously doubting their marriages when some of the circumstances are not right namely they not getting enough sex while wife being pregnant, stuck in a boring job (just go to yahoo chat under a woman's disguise...its filled with IT people) and others. I just urge you to please think about these issues.

3) I don't know if your OW knows about your wife being pregnant or not. Any woman who feels compassion about another human being would have stayed away from a married guy who has a pregnant wife...namely...because first of all because of everything going on..his intentions are dubious...you may not be loving the OW for the right reasons since you have all these things going on in your life forcing you to consider an affair, secondly there is this woman having a child who seriously needs to have her husband's love and not be dragged around to marriage therapies and this OW can still consider shagging her hubby....that just indicates total disregard on her part. You may not realize it at this point but the OW may have serious insecurities of her own that she could consider taking advantage of anybody's vulnerabilities at this stage.

4) This goes back to #1. If your marriage was dead before the OW why is your wife pregnant? You had something going....of course you had issues and needs that weren't met...but your wife needs to know and correct those...if she has known all along and refused to correct her behavior then it would be incompatibility..but if not..its your mistake to not let her know and give her a chance to correct it.

You said that you want to hear bad comments and that's why I posted this although its quite obvious from your postings that you are in a denial stage (where you have just made up your mind about the whole process and will not fairly consider giving any other opinion a fair chance without first jumping to defend your views).

As a person who is well on the road to recovery from a very serious emotional affair, I would just like to urge you to take a break from the OW and consider a few sessions of a solo counselling.

Its possible for one person to love more than one person and don't just decide by the strength of feelings that you have for the other lady that you somehow have to have her. You may start feeling back in love with your wife once the OW is out of the picture....it can happen.

PG

PS. Here most of the women are OW who are even enraged by the man having sex with his own wife so you can't really get fair advice here.

I am a well-wisher and I really think that you have passed through a bad time along with your wife through this pregnancy process. Just please do consider therapy for yourself alone and then with a marriage therapist (with the info about the OW out in the open - maybe you could keep the sex part hidden).