Changes...
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| Tue, 02-24-2004 - 10:27am |
In the interim, my W and I have started counseling. I expected to go in there and hear how I was wrong to think we had problems and things weren't that bad. Imagine my surprise when the counselor tells me in a one on one session that my W and I are so different in our communication needs that we probably aren't a good match and it may not work. It was validating for me, but still scary to hear. My W still doesn't understand what the problem is and I'm having difficulties making her understand. I'm hoping with time and more counseling she'll see. Regardless, I am more convinced now than ever that my M will not work. All I'm trying to do at this point is make it to the birth of my baby and hopefully a month or two beyond. I think for my own sake and for my W's, we both need to move on at some point while we're still young.
Another development is I did start talking to the OW again. First online and then on the phone again. This all developed in the last couple of weeks. Our love is very real and I now know I at least hope to build something with her when my M is ended. Until then, obviously this will have to be an A again. I was able to plan a trip to see her over the weekend and we spent three perfect days together. She and I connect on every level and even though we probably won't be able to see one another for at least 6 months, we parted without too many tears. I gave her some things that are special to me and she gave me some that are special to her. I don't know what will happen in the future, but I know I love her and I'll walk through fire to get back to her if I have to.
I'm sure some of you are disappointed in me, but I feel better about myself than I ever have. I know now that my M has restricted me to the point I haven't been myself. Now I'm not holding back anymore. I plan to find my happiness, wherever it may lead. The most important thing to me is being a good father though and I love my kids more than anything. I'm hoping my W will agree to shared custody where we alternate weeks or days. I'm my son's primary caregiver and I anticipate being that for my next child also.
Anyway, I just thought I'd update and see what everyone thinks. I know I'm not perfect and I've made so many mistakes. But I don't view my relationship with the OW as one. In fact, I don't consider her an OW or the relationship and A. It is much more special than that. I hope everyone finds something so special. Isn't that what life is about?

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Having said that, I understand your connection with your girlfriend, as your description is exactly how I would describe mine with my lover. And unfortunetly we estranged at this time. So I say to you, make a game plan and stick with it. Life is too short not to be with the one who makes you wildly happy. Go to her and drink her up. If she makes you that happy then chances are you make her that happy. Cherish each other.
I agree my W needs to be free to find her own happiness and I want that for her. But she isn't likely to find it while she goes through the last couple of months of a pregnancy. If you have a suggestion of what I should do, I'd love advice. I just don't know what better way to handle the situation.
(((HUGS)))
hi omaha -- well, you know how i feel about your situation, but i just wanted to echo what regrets said.
CL-Gurlfriend50
Co-CL of My Affair Support Board
The only comfort I have throughout all of this is I know I am a good father and will continue to be. And I know I have a budding relationship with someone I love deeply and who I feel compatible with in every way. I guess at this point I just need to get through the next 6 months in order to get to the point when I can hopefully find my true happiness, both in myself and in my relationship. It does help me to talk about this and I appreciate all of you who have listened and offered your advice and support. It really does mean a lot to me. :)
Gee, you're really in a tough one...
Pregnancy is an extremely emotional time for women...
Your wife's emotions will do a complete turn-around throughout these last couple months...sometimes many times in the same day...
Understanding that, and respecting that, will go a long way towards a better resolution for all of you once your new child is born, her "sanity" has returned, and you can hopefully go on with your lives as loving parents...
It will probably be frustrating as hell for you when one moment she wants you to move out, and the next moment she won't...
Get a book on post-partum depression, and memorize the signs of it...childbirth affects all women differently...and facing the end of her marriage will most likely make it worse...
Make sure you tell her you respect her feelings, but that you don't want to make any decisions at this time...that you're going to be there for her through this, and stick with that...
Most of all, reassure her..respect her...
You and this woman will always have a connection through your children...respect that...
1) How can your counselling be complete when the counselor or your wife do not even know about the other woman? The OW has a big role in you making this decision....if she didn't, the present situation of you considering divorce when your wife is pregnant wouldn't have arisen....the reason being your wife wouldn't be pregnant in the first place...unless you say that its a normal thing for you to have a dead marriage and still contemplate a child.
2) I gave you a few reasons in the other thread about men seriously doubting their marriages when some of the circumstances are not right namely they not getting enough sex while wife being pregnant, stuck in a boring job (just go to yahoo chat under a woman's disguise...its filled with IT people) and others. I just urge you to please think about these issues.
3) I don't know if your OW knows about your wife being pregnant or not. Any woman who feels compassion about another human being would have stayed away from a married guy who has a pregnant wife...namely...because first of all because of everything going on..his intentions are dubious...you may not be loving the OW for the right reasons since you have all these things going on in your life forcing you to consider an affair, secondly there is this woman having a child who seriously needs to have her husband's love and not be dragged around to marriage therapies and this OW can still consider shagging her hubby....that just indicates total disregard on her part. You may not realize it at this point but the OW may have serious insecurities of her own that she could consider taking advantage of anybody's vulnerabilities at this stage.
4) This goes back to #1. If your marriage was dead before the OW why is your wife pregnant? You had something going....of course you had issues and needs that weren't met...but your wife needs to know and correct those...if she has known all along and refused to correct her behavior then it would be incompatibility..but if not..its your mistake to not let her know and give her a chance to correct it.
You said that you want to hear bad comments and that's why I posted this although its quite obvious from your postings that you are in a denial stage (where you have just made up your mind about the whole process and will not fairly consider giving any other opinion a fair chance without first jumping to defend your views).
As a person who is well on the road to recovery from a very serious emotional affair, I would just like to urge you to take a break from the OW and consider a few sessions of a solo counselling.
Its possible for one person to love more than one person and don't just decide by the strength of feelings that you have for the other lady that you somehow have to have her. You may start feeling back in love with your wife once the OW is out of the picture....it can happen.
PG
PS. Here most of the women are OW who are even enraged by the man having sex with his own wife so you can't really get fair advice here.
I am a well-wisher and I really think that you have passed through a bad time along with your wife through this pregnancy process. Just please do consider therapy for yourself alone and then with a marriage therapist (with the info about the OW out in the open - maybe you could keep the sex part hidden).
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