Changes...
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| Tue, 02-24-2004 - 10:27am |
In the interim, my W and I have started counseling. I expected to go in there and hear how I was wrong to think we had problems and things weren't that bad. Imagine my surprise when the counselor tells me in a one on one session that my W and I are so different in our communication needs that we probably aren't a good match and it may not work. It was validating for me, but still scary to hear. My W still doesn't understand what the problem is and I'm having difficulties making her understand. I'm hoping with time and more counseling she'll see. Regardless, I am more convinced now than ever that my M will not work. All I'm trying to do at this point is make it to the birth of my baby and hopefully a month or two beyond. I think for my own sake and for my W's, we both need to move on at some point while we're still young.
Another development is I did start talking to the OW again. First online and then on the phone again. This all developed in the last couple of weeks. Our love is very real and I now know I at least hope to build something with her when my M is ended. Until then, obviously this will have to be an A again. I was able to plan a trip to see her over the weekend and we spent three perfect days together. She and I connect on every level and even though we probably won't be able to see one another for at least 6 months, we parted without too many tears. I gave her some things that are special to me and she gave me some that are special to her. I don't know what will happen in the future, but I know I love her and I'll walk through fire to get back to her if I have to.
I'm sure some of you are disappointed in me, but I feel better about myself than I ever have. I know now that my M has restricted me to the point I haven't been myself. Now I'm not holding back anymore. I plan to find my happiness, wherever it may lead. The most important thing to me is being a good father though and I love my kids more than anything. I'm hoping my W will agree to shared custody where we alternate weeks or days. I'm my son's primary caregiver and I anticipate being that for my next child also.
Anyway, I just thought I'd update and see what everyone thinks. I know I'm not perfect and I've made so many mistakes. But I don't view my relationship with the OW as one. In fact, I don't consider her an OW or the relationship and A. It is much more special than that. I hope everyone finds something so special. Isn't that what life is about?

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The MM I was seeing 15 years ago told his 8 1/2 months pregnant wife that he had met the "perfect woman"! Oh I was perfect alright, perfectly insecure without an ounce of self-esteem. I too know about the kind of love where you are willing to go to the ends of the earth for them. That was part of the justification for what I did. See my posts "Advice for the Other Woman". I can't begin to tell you the remorse I feel for the pain I have caused. I'm sure you think your OW has her stuff together, all I can say is that I didn't. And boy did I hide it well, I had my MM fooled, I was worldly, confident, successful in my career, everything my MM wanted, I was it. It was easy, he saw what he wanted to see. Deep down I was mush.
Omaha, you are doing the right thing with the counseling and if it doesn't work, hey you gave it your best shot. (Oh yeah - - my MM did the counseling thing too, it didn't help but he wasn't really a willing participant.) I think that you know you deserve a healthy relationship. Having an A isn't the answer, solve your problems without involving anyone else. Although it hurts to think of giving the OW up, if she is healthy she will support your decision. You deserve better than starting a new relationship the wrong way and the only way you are going to get that fantastic, new, wonderful, healthy relationship is if you get healthy inside. You will be amazed at what setting that goal and accomplishing it will do for you, you won't recognize the man that once wrote Changes.
Best wishes to you and I hope you keep us posted!
In any event, I do feel I have given my marriage a fair shot as best I can. I haven't even fully closed the door. But I am a realist and I know that the communication gap we have will probably be very difficult to impossible to close. Especially since my W doesn't fully grasp the magnitude of the problem. It basically comes down to the fact she doesn't want to really change. And I can't ask her to change who she is either. It wouldn't be fair or right. By the way, my counselor and my W both know about the OW. They just don't know she has come back into my life. And I made my decision before doing that.
Again, thank you to those of you who listen and give honest advice, even if it is biting or difficult to read. But I can do without the preaching and diagnosing. I'm seeing a real marriage counselor who knows all there is to know about me and can give me real answers and ideas.
I hope you can work the details of the upcoming separation with your wife. Its not an easy situation, for your wife's pregnancy complicates things. I have don't have any suggestions to make your future easier than that has already been said here. I hope you get what you want and deserve -- happiness and peace of mind in the future. Good Luck!
I would just end this by saying when one makes a good decision, there is no conflict, no confusion...just extreme liberation and happiness.
I have no conflict in the decision I made and never did I or would I need anybody's opinions on if I was seeking the correct path or not since in my heart, I knew I have. I am at peace.
You don't seem to be at peace. You may call it generalizing, pigeonholing, etc but thats what the truth is.
PG
"when one makes a good decision, there is no conflict, no confusion"???
I have never made a single decision in my life without some thoughts of whether I am doing the right thing. In fact, the bigger the decision, the more doubt there is. None of us is perfect and if you don't have doubts when making a life-altering decisions, odds are you're kidding yourself.
I didn't come here to ask anyone to make my decision for me. I made my own decision based on what I know is right for me. But I do need support from time to time as most of us human beings do. Obviously you're better than that. Not only do you not need support, but you are unable to give any also. I never asked for people to agree with what I've done. But I do expect some human kindness and sympathy.
You can say I'm not at peace and you'd be right overall. How can I be at peace when I know I face a difficult path? That's what kills me when people try to say leaving your marriage is the "easy way out". It is the most difficult thing I've ever faced and I've only begun down the road. So no, I'm not at peace and probably won't be for some time. But life isn't about being at peace. I am, however, at peace with my decision. I believe I've weighed all the factors and I am doing the right thing. But the moment I don't have any doubts, I'll be sure to let you know. That will probably be the same day I stop feeling.
hey omaha -- honey i left a 16-year marriage with 3 kids and absolutely no money and a part-time job, not for another man, but for myself and my happiness.
CL-Gurlfriend50
Co-CL of My Affair Support Board
You wrote, "I expected to go in there and hear how I was wrong to think we had problems and things weren't that bad. Imagine my surprise when the counselor tells me in a one on one session that my W and I are so different in our communication needs that we probably aren't a good match and it may not work." But aren't most men and women different in their communication needs? For example, women tend to talk and reach out when they have a problem, and men tend to go inward to resolve a problem. Alot of women like to expound and give details when talking - a woman can talk to a girlfriend on the phone for hours - while alot of men are more succinct. Most women communicate their love by nurturing while most men communicate their love by providing. I don't know that it's the communication *needs* so much as the desire or ability to understand what the other is communicating.
Where you wrote, "My W still doesn't understand what the problem is and I'm having difficulties making her understand. I'm hoping with time and more counseling she'll see." - your W does not have the ability to understand what you are trying to communicate. And maybe she never will. That was a major problem with xH & I - neither of us could understand what the other was trying to communicate...it didn't mean he was right and I was wrong or vice versa because we each had our own values (not the same as morals) - our values were not the same and we didn't connect.
You are right - if you feel/know the M will not work, it's right to move on (regardless of your ages) so you can both love again. I am very sorry (empathy not sympathy) your W has to experience this while pregnant, and I hope she remains in counselling - But, she will be a stronger person for it. I am very sorry (again, empathy) you will be missing time with your son and unborn child - But, you know yourself best and obviously will be happier for it. It is and will be painful for everyone - every experience in life gives us the capacity of enduring pain and delighting in joy - and I think we learn most from the pain. I can't be disappointed in you - it's possible to remain true to yourself and still be a good father and a supportive xH.
I hope you don't have to walk thru fire to get back to OW, lol - I don't feel it's true that everything of worth is costly! But I do hope it's a gradual walk back to OW, because you will need time to adjust to your new old self again.
Hmmm..."In fact, I don't consider her an OW or the relationship and A. It is much more special than that. I hope everyone finds something so special. Isn't that what life is about?"...maybe I'm still being naive (immature for lack of experience/knowledge), but neither do I consider my relationship an A, nor him as the MM; I don't know how to label it to encompass friendship and passion but secretive (and much more!). Yeah it is special! But, that is not what life is all about - please be careful not to lose yourself again!
I wish you (and everyone else involved) emotional strength to get to peace of mind and the trust that you will get there and be happy. Remember you (and W and OW and even your children) have it within you to write your own destiny.
Meow
In response to some of them:
You're right that in general, men and women communicate differently. My situation is basically a mirror image of that situation. I always want to talk about difficulties and feelings while she prefers not to discuss things and just deal with them internally. I guess for me the real problem is similar to what you described with your xH. We don't connect or feel the same things are important. But the ability to discuss these differences is also important to me. As I said before, I'm sure there are thousands of guys who would love to be married to someone like her. I'm just not one of them.
I don't know that I agree with your last paragraph. While I don't believe we should try to get our happiness from others, I still believe being loved by others is what life is about. I believe in being a good person for the sake of itself, but if caring about others and having them care about you isn't the purpose of life, I'm not sure there is one. That said, I do plan to progress slowly with the OW. It is difficult for me because as you can imagine, I at times get the feeling I want to be with her now. But I also realize I do still have issues of insecurity and attachment that I need to work through. I want my next relationship to be healthy and long-lasting.
I do appreciate all you said and I think in many ways you clarified a lot of the things that maybe I didn't express well. And most of all, I appreciate you taking the time to respond and provide support. Thank you. :)
You have one woman pregnant and are professing your love to another. You ask for opinions even the harsh ones and then when somebody gives it to you, you accuse them of all the negativity in the world. If you are not capable of handling an adverse opinion, probably you should not ask for it.
PG
I am not a "Dude"
I do not respond harshly to all negative posts, simply to those that offer nothing constructive at all.
Thank you for taking the time to respond to me but unless you have something more to offer than what you have so far, I don't really see the point in us continuing to bicker.
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