Changes! I quit my job.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-22-2003
Changes! I quit my job.
3
Thu, 04-08-2004 - 12:24pm
It's been a long while since I've been on here (almost since the begining of this relationship) but I feel the need to share my latest happenings. I'm single and have been in a 1.5 year affair with an MM that I met at work. It was was very off and on at first but in the last year it has been pretty steady with very short breaks here and there. We just couldn't stay away from each other and I was (am) convinved that it was because we were under each other's noses every day.

One day, about a month ago, I decided to quit my job. I had been there for 3 years. I gave notice on a whim, with nothing lined up but it was something I just felt the need to do. I guess I just decided that things need to change and I was willing to take the risk. I was not happy there anyway and he was really the only reason I was staying.

We talked about it later that day and, although the discussion was about me and my plans for my future, he did quickly mention that it will be "easier now". My first response was to say "yes, out of sight, out of mind". He said "no, to be together. My biggest problem with this has been that if we get caught I will be forced out of the company." (he is a partner and I am mere staff). This took me by surprise. He went on a trip shortly thereafter and I had since left before he returned (my last day was still up in the air when he left but we both thought I'd be there a few weeks longer). Anyway, I saw him yesterday for the first time in a few weeks. God, I love and miss that man.

I guess I am scared because it is no longer a "guarantee" that we will continue. I know I should take this as an opportunity to move on.... I know I should not be worried but the unknown is always scarey. Someone once told me that if I'd ever have a chance for this to be something more, I'd have to leave the company. Logically that is correct but I certainly wouldn't count on it.

Why am I afraid of what will happen?? I am not afraid that I will be replaced. I even brought this up yesterday and he laughed and said "my wife is your replacement". I am his first after 17 years and by the way he acted in the beginning, I totally believe it. I know he will not forget about me. I know he loves me though we've never shared those taboo words. I know that he's not leaving his family, he's made that clear. He's commented when we broke up once that "you never know what will happen in 10 years, when I'm old and bald and the kids are grown" but I don't put any stock in that comment. I do dream that he will be with just me one day but that is in my own head.

Realistically, things have a way of working themselves out and I know that he is probably more scared by this change than I am, only beacuase I am a beautiful single young women embarking upon a new life. I wish he would tell me that, he is a man of few emotional words.

I almost told him that I love him yesterday but figured I'd save that for another time. I was so nice to see him and be with him but it almost had that "last time" feeling. Does that make sense? I just feel so out of touch now.

Thanks for listening to me try to confort myself. I love that man more than anything.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2004
Thu, 04-08-2004 - 12:51pm
That took a lot of guts to leave your job, and it sounds to me that he does care about you or he would have used your leaving as an opportunity to stop seeing you rather than make the comment about it being easier to see you. Take it slow and see what happens. It is never a "guarantee" when you are in a R with a MM....but it's a risk we take when we have feelings for someone. Good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-22-2003
Thu, 04-08-2004 - 1:31pm
I agree that there are no guarantees but it was much more comfortable when I knew that he just couldn't resist when he saw me... Because it started out based on sex I knew I could always (and have) used his physical attraction for me as my hold. Being it that he doesn't verbally share his feelings, I feel uncomforatble assuming and relying on his emotions as my pacifier. I feel very out of control. I know I should have faith, I took the risk...

And congrats on his profession of love to you!!!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-22-2003
Thu, 04-08-2004 - 3:29pm
And now with the stupid 3 day weekend, holiday and all that.... He emailed me a quick have a nice weekend and ran out the door. I'm not taking it personally as I know he is probably busy at appointments. I had a few drinks and left him a drunken VM last night. I'm sure it was silly. I remember saying that the dog made me call. He didn't mention it but his email was very normal... I hate feeling like this. Don't you all wish that everyone was granted one look into the future?