Changes! I quit my job.
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| Thu, 04-08-2004 - 12:24pm |
One day, about a month ago, I decided to quit my job. I had been there for 3 years. I gave notice on a whim, with nothing lined up but it was something I just felt the need to do. I guess I just decided that things need to change and I was willing to take the risk. I was not happy there anyway and he was really the only reason I was staying.
We talked about it later that day and, although the discussion was about me and my plans for my future, he did quickly mention that it will be "easier now". My first response was to say "yes, out of sight, out of mind". He said "no, to be together. My biggest problem with this has been that if we get caught I will be forced out of the company." (he is a partner and I am mere staff). This took me by surprise. He went on a trip shortly thereafter and I had since left before he returned (my last day was still up in the air when he left but we both thought I'd be there a few weeks longer). Anyway, I saw him yesterday for the first time in a few weeks. God, I love and miss that man.
I guess I am scared because it is no longer a "guarantee" that we will continue. I know I should take this as an opportunity to move on.... I know I should not be worried but the unknown is always scarey. Someone once told me that if I'd ever have a chance for this to be something more, I'd have to leave the company. Logically that is correct but I certainly wouldn't count on it.
Why am I afraid of what will happen?? I am not afraid that I will be replaced. I even brought this up yesterday and he laughed and said "my wife is your replacement". I am his first after 17 years and by the way he acted in the beginning, I totally believe it. I know he will not forget about me. I know he loves me though we've never shared those taboo words. I know that he's not leaving his family, he's made that clear. He's commented when we broke up once that "you never know what will happen in 10 years, when I'm old and bald and the kids are grown" but I don't put any stock in that comment. I do dream that he will be with just me one day but that is in my own head.
Realistically, things have a way of working themselves out and I know that he is probably more scared by this change than I am, only beacuase I am a beautiful single young women embarking upon a new life. I wish he would tell me that, he is a man of few emotional words.
I almost told him that I love him yesterday but figured I'd save that for another time. I was so nice to see him and be with him but it almost had that "last time" feeling. Does that make sense? I just feel so out of touch now.
Thanks for listening to me try to confort myself. I love that man more than anything.

And congrats on his profession of love to you!!!!!!