Changing feelings

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
Changing feelings
3
Thu, 09-04-2003 - 12:20pm
Is it normal to waver back and forth in your feelings for your MM/OM? It's very early in my R with my MM (haven't even slept together) and I'm having serious, serious doubts. The thing that scares me is that until recently, I didn't have a single doubt. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with this guy. But I'm beginning to think I'm being manipulated. He started this whole thing with these intense looks and by telling me he couldn't stop thinking about me and at first I just loved the attention. Overtime I became convinced I felt the same way about him, but are my feelings how *I* feel or just about the attention I'm getting? I guess I have to sort all that out... Problem for him is, he's backed away enough now that I'm able to get some perspective. It's like whatever hold he's had on me is wearing off and now I find myself not even calling him when I'm supposed to...kind of avoiding dealing with him because I want to hold this feeling of contentment. This feeling that I don't really care if he calls or not. Complicating matters -- the past few weeks the baby urge has really been hitting me hard. I'm about to turn 33 with no children and my time is running out. I know H would be an excellent father and although MM has expressed interest in having another child (his wife wants no more), it wouldn't be the same with him. It would be more special with my H because we'd be sharing the experience for the first time together. I just don't know...I'm so confused. I know I can't bring a baby in the world until I'm sure it's over with MM, but he doesn't understand. He doesn't see why we can't stay friends even if I get pregnant and maybe someday down the road...5, 10 years, he always says...be together. His daughter is 8, so I'm thinking the 10-year thing is because she'll be in college then. He doesn't seem to get that if I commit to having a baby with H, that'll be it. I may be friends with him, but I can't continue this A. I guess just writing this all out has helped me, but I just don't seem as caught up in MM as I used to be. Of course, that all could change in just a few hours.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2003
Thu, 09-04-2003 - 1:21pm
I go back and forth about my feelings about my OM. Lately I've been wondering if I'm getting bored with him. Or if he'd be more attractive to me again if he was still seeing other women. But then, when I think he went out on a date, guess who got real jealous and mad, not turned on. Me. So, yes, I think its normal. You don't have to be IN-love with somebody to have an affair with them, but it helps if you love them a little.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-22-2003
Thu, 09-04-2003 - 1:59pm
Lilah,

For the first month or so that (not sure if he is still the) OM and I were involved in our A, I was in love with the attention. The devotion, affection, attention...all of which I wasnt getting at home. OM and I never had sex, but we enjoyed had some good sessions of pretty much anything but sex. For the most part, it was emotional...because after the first month, I began falling in love with him. So, I think its possible to fall in or out of love with the OM/OW and YES, I believe its possible to be in love with the attention too. ITs hard to distinguish between the two, especially in a more than emotional A.

OM pulled the "in 10 years or so when the kids are older, we can be together" thing too. But his oldest is 11 and the youngest is 6. Mine are 5 and almost 2. For me, I dont know if I could wait those 10 years....why devote myself and my time to him if in the end he and W get along better and he wants to stay in their M? I could take that time and (eeek!) devote it to my H. I love OM with all my heart. I honestly believe that. It hurts like hell that he wont say a final goodbye and he just disapeared. (yes, I am posting on the Ending board as well).

I guess that it all depends on YOU and what makes you happy. If its attention you love and you dont want to wait for those 10 or plus years...look elsewhere. If you can look in your heart and say you love him...well, then figure out if you want to wait.

Jeli

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
Thu, 09-04-2003 - 2:14pm
Well...I feel a little bad now. Saw MM just before lunch and he was seriously, seriously stressed. His wife made an appointment for him with the heart doctor...he's having tests today. He's been worried about the chest pains he's been having for the past few weeks and that's why he's been so distant. I guess I should be honest here and admit that my MM has done this before. He met his wife eleven years ago when he was married to someone else. His wife at the time wasn't a nice woman and he fell in love with this woman who became his second wife and they've been happily married for nine years. Until I came along. Anyway, the first time when he was giving up his entire life, his church, everything to be with the woman he's married to now, he said he said a prayer to God that if he ever even thought about another woman again, he hoped God would strike him dead because he'd rather die than go through starting his whole life over again. Flash forward to now, and all of a sudden, right around the time we had our first kiss, he started having these chest pains. In a way, I feel like if he goes to the doctor and gets a clean bill of health, it'll be good because things can get back to normal, but I don't know that. Maybe he'll feel like it was a call to straighten his act up... Anyway, here's why I feel bad. Just five minutes before he called me this morning to ask me to come see him, I was sitting here with tears in my eyes, praying to God to give me the strength to see my way out of my relationship with MM. Then I go up there and see the total stress he's going through and the FEAR on his face... The man is 39 and has never had his cholesterol checked, never had a physical, and his dad died at 60-something of a heart attack and both his mother's siblings died in their 40s of it... He's terrified of what he's going to find out. Personally, I feel like he's being melodramatic and at worst they'll find a little clogged something-or-other and do some minor surgery to correct it. But I care about him, so it's hard seeing him like this. Anyway, tomorrow morning I'm going to be faced with what we discussed on this board just today. If I call and he's not at his desk, I'm not going to have the foggiest idea what's going on. For all I'll know he'll be having quadruple bypass surgery or something... I won't be able to ask anyone because I don't want them to know how close he and I are and that I care that much to be running around trying to find out...