Changing over time
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| Tue, 09-23-2003 - 11:30am |
I'm curious because I, too, believed at one time, in the beginning, that I was in love with two. Now I find myself, the longer it goes on, knowing I'm in love with MM and love more "sisterly" my H, and also allowing myself to actually "think" about the forbidden, being with my MM on a permanent basis. Do you think this is a natural occurance over time? I mean, in the past, I would think about it but always convincing myself that it was an unrealistic expectation and a great part of me didn't want me to go down that road. It was easier not to have to make decisions if happiness could be found in both places....and it was for a while, but now I'm finding I'm no longer happy at home. Even though my H is a good good man and adores me, I am not happy and it is not his fault. I find myself feeling like H deserves to be loved by someone who's not in love with someone else. I enjoy his company and we're great friends, parents and partners, however I have absolutely no passionate desire for him.
On the flip side, I know that MM loves his W and does not plan to leave her. So, I'm torn because I know I should never leave my M for someone else and I WILL be disappointed if I do that. So, I feel like a heel for staying with H yet I believe that I wouldn't be looking to leave if MM weren't in my life, so what do I do? The other part of this is even though MM and I profess our love for eachother more openly and honestly than ever before and spend more time together than ever before, like so far, year 4 has been the best because we're in a good comfort zone, he does not seem to experience the same confusion as I do. I know that he still loves his W and even still feels passionate about her. They recently had an argument that lasted a few days and when he finally shared with me, he indicated that "though they outwardly appear to spend a lot of time together, they really don't because they may be in the same place but doing separate things and when they get in bed at night, it's like goodnight and nothing"...his exact words. So that leads me to believe he was missing intimacy with her. I'm just confused because as you can see we have been growing and mostly together over the last 4 years of this EMA and I wonder how I got to a place where I dread intimacy with H and he still craves it with W. If I share with him how awkward and upset that makes me, he'll get upset that I'm hurting and usually that leads to his backing away so I'm just trying to understand it all and hoping for your experiences to help. I know I wrote a lot and I'm all over the place but thanks to anyone who has read this far...

PR
we are exploring the future more and more every day and it's getting disconcerting, to say the least.
hang in there and enjoy the time you have with your guy.
gurl
Hi beautifulmess,
I guess I'm another that sort of sits in here... I'm been with MM now for almost 3 and a half years... and while I do fantasize and like to think that anything is possible... I live for the reality of our situation and that is... we are having an affair.
I have to say... that while I do still love DH... I'm not in love with him... but the love I do have for him, coupled with our love for our children keep me strong and connected to him and our life.
Sweet
Co-Community Leader My