Changing over time

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2003
Changing over time
6
Tue, 09-23-2003 - 11:30am
Well, it's been quite some time since I shared on the board. For newer folks, I'm a MW of nearly 8 years who's been in an EMA for nearly 4 years with MM. As I've been catching up on the recent postings I've noticed a couple themes, lots of discussion around "expecting/hoping to be together" someday, when the kids are grown, etc., and why we haven't divorced yet or if we're not planning to and why. Then I just read a thread about what you've all learned about being in an EMA and many people who are new to the EMA comment on loving two. Is it really possible to be "in love" with two?

I'm curious because I, too, believed at one time, in the beginning, that I was in love with two. Now I find myself, the longer it goes on, knowing I'm in love with MM and love more "sisterly" my H, and also allowing myself to actually "think" about the forbidden, being with my MM on a permanent basis. Do you think this is a natural occurance over time? I mean, in the past, I would think about it but always convincing myself that it was an unrealistic expectation and a great part of me didn't want me to go down that road. It was easier not to have to make decisions if happiness could be found in both places....and it was for a while, but now I'm finding I'm no longer happy at home. Even though my H is a good good man and adores me, I am not happy and it is not his fault. I find myself feeling like H deserves to be loved by someone who's not in love with someone else. I enjoy his company and we're great friends, parents and partners, however I have absolutely no passionate desire for him.

On the flip side, I know that MM loves his W and does not plan to leave her. So, I'm torn because I know I should never leave my M for someone else and I WILL be disappointed if I do that. So, I feel like a heel for staying with H yet I believe that I wouldn't be looking to leave if MM weren't in my life, so what do I do? The other part of this is even though MM and I profess our love for eachother more openly and honestly than ever before and spend more time together than ever before, like so far, year 4 has been the best because we're in a good comfort zone, he does not seem to experience the same confusion as I do. I know that he still loves his W and even still feels passionate about her. They recently had an argument that lasted a few days and when he finally shared with me, he indicated that "though they outwardly appear to spend a lot of time together, they really don't because they may be in the same place but doing separate things and when they get in bed at night, it's like goodnight and nothing"...his exact words. So that leads me to believe he was missing intimacy with her. I'm just confused because as you can see we have been growing and mostly together over the last 4 years of this EMA and I wonder how I got to a place where I dread intimacy with H and he still craves it with W. If I share with him how awkward and upset that makes me, he'll get upset that I'm hurting and usually that leads to his backing away so I'm just trying to understand it all and hoping for your experiences to help. I know I wrote a lot and I'm all over the place but thanks to anyone who has read this far...

Avatar for prettyribbons4u
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2003
Tue, 09-23-2003 - 11:53am
Hi beautifulmess...I'm one of those that think I am in love with both my husband and MM. It makes me wonder after reading your post if this continues, will I be like you. Because even now...I have feelings that I love my H more like a very best friend, and we make great partners together. I too feel like he's such a good man and just yesterday I was thinking to myself how someone could probably love him so much better than me. I commend you on making it 4 years!! Wow, I've only been doing this about 6 months and sometimes I wonder if I can stand the ups and downs a day more. You say you wonder how he can still crave his wife and that it seems he doesn't experience the same confusion as you. Maybe it's just that he handles it differently, you think? I know for me...I think RIGHT now, I'm the "less" confused one..as we just had this conversation last week. I don't mind at all being intimate with H., and actually enjoy it at times...whereas MM told me it made him almost sick last week to even think of making love to his W. and he doesn't see how I do it. I couldn't even explain it, but I DO feel like our (mine & H) overall relationship is soooo much better than the one he has with his W. I don't know if that has something to do with it or not. But, just because he doesn't show that he's confused doesn't mean he's not...cause it's that way with me. I'm confused right this minute, especially after last week...I guess I just handle it differently than MM. I don't know if I helped ANY...your post just reminded me of my own situation...reversed. Good Luck and big hugs to you...hope it gets better for you!

PR

Avatar for nomoreregrets
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 09-23-2003 - 12:12pm
Hi Beautiful! Long time no see. I agree, our EMA's have changed. I know that mine has evolved. I think that in the beginning of this journey, we were a little more fickle. I, like you have been in a marriage with no passion for many years. I love my H but he just doesn't do it for me anymore. He has done too many things over the last 13 years that has forced me away from him as a friend. I've lost a lot of respect for him. H and I are always together and people think we have the perfect marriage. But we don't! You know, MM and his W are our friends and everyone thinks the same thing about them. It's funny though as far as my MM. We still have this fabulous communication between each other. I like it that he would never leave his W and he would never expect me to leave my H. MM and I are very happy with how our relationship works. There's not a day that doesn't go by that we don't at least talk. We try to see each other several times a week, sometimes for smooch, smooch and sometimes for conversation and catching up on what's happening. Oh and lets not forget our marathon days once a week. In the beginning, I thought about what it would be like to be with MM. Now I think, heck No he's too perfect when he's someone else's. I don't have to put up with the stuff guys do, like farting in bed, spitting out the car window, just being gross in general. I hope you get thru this mixture of feeling that you're having. I know in my heart that if my H and I ever did split, I would like to keep thing just the way they are with my MM and still have my freedom to be me:)I'm sorry, if I’m rambling all over the place. I wish you luck! Keep in touch. NMR
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2003
Tue, 09-23-2003 - 12:14pm
Thanks for your thoughts, PR. I'd love to chat with you more another day about all this. I will be leaving my office in a few minutes for the day. I'm wondering your thoughts about how "this happened" to you since you commented that your M is better than your MM's M. Is there anything lacking in your M that you think might've led you down this path? It's funny, I think I know why and how my MM got here but I'm still a little confused about myself...yet I'm the one who's less happy in my M. Have a great day and I look forward to talking again soon.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2003
Tue, 09-23-2003 - 12:18pm
Thanks for your thoughts too MM! I forgot that you and your H are friends with MM and his W. Actually, we just all "met up" and spent time together as families for the first time over the summer. Most of it has benefited our relationship (I have some trouble at times) but MM is ecstatic about the situation and overall it has helped us. I am leaving for the day but would love to talk more to you about that as well. Thanks again for your kind thoughts and good insight! I value your opinion and am glad you're still around!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 09-23-2003 - 3:17pm
hi beautiful. i do identify with your post. i've been in my A for over 3 years and it has changed and deepened for both of us, to our surprise. both of us are becoming more open and honest with our feelings. but the opposite is true for us, my MM does not have much intimate contact with his W and when he does, does not enjoy it. i, on the other hand, have lots of intimate contact with my BF and do enjoy it. MM and i do not discuss this aspect of our home life. the few comments that have been made by MM lead me to believe that he is somewhat jealous of that contact i have with BF but knows he has no right to get upset. so he holds back.

we are exploring the future more and more every day and it's getting disconcerting, to say the least.

hang in there and enjoy the time you have with your guy.

gurl

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
Tue, 09-23-2003 - 6:52pm

Hi beautifulmess,


I guess I'm another that sort of sits in here... I'm been with MM now for almost 3 and a half years... and while I do fantasize and like to think that anything is possible... I live for the reality of our situation and that is... we are having an affair.


I have to say... that while I do still love DH... I'm not in love with him... but the love I do have for him, coupled with our love for our children keep me strong and connected to him and our life.

Sweet
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