cheated on bf --he did same?
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cheated on bf --he did same?
| Tue, 08-26-2003 - 3:02pm |
Hello. I posted yesterday about cheating on my bf while he was away. I explained why we have trust issues with each other (we became a couple through an affair). I think I cheated because I was so afraid that he would. I felt so guilty and tried to figure out all the reasons why I did it when I love him. Then he got back and told me that one night he went out with a male coworker as his "wing" man so that he could hook up with this woman and she was bringing her friend. I was livid and he said she was fat and ugly so not to worry but in my mind I'm thinking what he did was deliberate, thought out and he was sober when he made the decision. How do I know if he's telling the truth about her being unattractive? He gave off some of the tell-tale lie characteristics--nervous smiling, not looking me in the eye. So, now I don't know what to think. Could we BOTH have cheated on each other? This means bigger problems than I thought. He thinks I cheated on him because I got so upset with him over what he did and I was displacing guilt. He is being too nice and asked me what I thought about getting engaged soon. Maybe he did go out with this girl and it confirmed his feelings for me?

If you haven't gotten many responses, it is probably because most women on this board are in an M, have an H, and have been dealing with their M and OM or MM for a long time. I read your previous post, so let me see if I can help you here:
First of all, it doesn't matter if the other girl is unattractive or not. Chances are, if your B/F pursued her, he was attracted to her for whatever reason. My hunch here is that he was trying to spare your feelings. How else would you like him to respond to your question: "was she sexier/prettier than me?"
Secondly, I don't think you cheating on B/F has anything to do with revenge. If you have a history of cheating, then you have issues that you need to work out that are unrelated to your present R with B/F. Do you have low self-esteem? Do you feel special when men hit on you? It sounds to me like you have gotten in the habit of connecting with people via your sexuality. Do you have female friends? Do you have any male friends? Do you see where I am going with this?
As far as getting engaged goes: you have only been with your B/F for 5 months. You have a history of cheating, which suggests to me that a long-term committment is not for you right now. If you want to have a healthy R with your B/F, you need to work out these issues that are plaguing you. Stop putting yourself in situations that you will regret later. If it means not drinking when you go out, don't drink. If it means not flirting, then don't flirt. Figure out what leads you to these cheating scenarios...and try not to let yourself get swept away in the heat of the moment.
Unless of course you want to be single, casual, etc -- in which case you should see your time with B/F as what was and move on.
Good luck,
Alameda
and please DO NOT get engaged! why, just for the sake of "making" each other feel better about a R that is going nowhere fast?
move on girl. there are plenty of single guys out there. and it sounds like you don't want to settle down to one guy for the immediate future. you don't need to stick with someone you don't trust and brings out all your defenses. you chose to cheat on BF. he chose to cheat on you. the two of you don't have enough history to want to "get over" that whole situation.
jmho,
gurl