Cheatin Hearts

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-01-2003
Cheatin Hearts
3
Mon, 12-01-2003 - 11:45am
Sorry this is so long, but I really need some advice! I met Jake about 5 1/2 years ago. We hooked up in a bar, and within two weeks of meeting moved across the country and moved in together. Basically, I had to move for grad school, and I just asked him to go along and he did. We fought a lot over the years, but also had some good times. Basically, we both just "needed" each other (yes, we are both co-dependent) and stayed together because we didn't have anyone else (no family, no good friends) and didn't want to be alone. After so long of living together, and because all my other friends were getting married, I decided I wanted to get married. "ake didn't like the idea of marriage, but when I told him we were either breaking up or getting married, he decided marriage wasn't so bad. He never proposed to me, and I even had to buy my own engagement ring! I guess in hindsight I really miss the "romantic" aspects of it, but... So anyhow, we've been married for a year and a half. We've been fighting a lot since getting married, Jake is really moody (finally agreed to go to a psychiatrist and therapist, and he is on anti-depressants now, which he desperately needed!), and he was also smoking pot daily and lying to me about it (he's now in addiction counseling for that).

About six months ago, I met this guy Dave. He was a friend of one of Jake's friends, and the minute I saw him, it was just like sparks flew. I thought he was very attractive, but more than that, I was attracted to his personality. One of the first fantasies I had about him wasn't even sexual, it was about having kids with him, which is strange because I've always said I never wanted to have kids!! Anyhow, Jake and I started hanging out with Dave and other friends of theirs quite a bit, and the more I got to know Dave, the more I liked him. Well, about two months ago (Columbus Day weekend) I had the day off but Jake had to work, as did most of our other friends. Dave didn't though, so I invited him to go hiking. I figured since we were just friends, it would be ok, even if I did have feelings for him. Well, we ended up going to a bar after hiking, and after having quite a few beers, Dave told me that he wished I weren't married because he thought I was "the one" for him, and that he'd had a huge crush on me since the first day we met. I told him the feeling was mutual, and we ended up making out. I felt very guilty, and told Jake about it the next day, who said he'd thought there was something between Dave and I for a long time. We started marriage counseling, but I told him I couldn't stop seeing Dave until I figured out what I wanted to do.

Since then, I've been going out with Dave about once a week. He is the nicest, kindest, sweetest person I've ever met, and makes me feel so good about myself (I've always had low self-esteem). He is funny, and fun, and I really want to have a future with him. I love his family, and want to have a family with him. The problem is, I also still love Jake, but more in a friendly way, and I feel obligated to stay with him. He is not a bad person, and I did make a committment to him, so what should I do? Stay with him because I made that commitment, or leave and try to be happy with Dave? I guess I'm also worried that things with Dave won't work out, whereas Jake and I have been through so much in the last 5 1/2 years that I know things will work out, no matter what. I guess I'm afraid of the "unknowns" with Dave.

Does anyone have some advice? Has anyone else been in this situation? Thanks.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-01-2003
In reply to: kurbygurl
Mon, 12-01-2003 - 6:09pm
If you feel you're in love with Dave then go for it.. Just because you've been with Jake for 5 1/2 years doesn't mean he is the one for you.. Trust me. I'm there with you.. Justin and I have been together for 4 1/2 yrs and have a daughter 2yrs old.. I'm in love with another man and I mean I get butterflys just thinking about him.. I pushed him out of my life months ago to get a hold on my life.. I feel like it's the worst choice I even made.. I love him and I'm scared to talk to him right now.. If you love you're other guy like head over heals in love go for it.. you only live once.. don't miss out on the love of your life like I might have.. I'm just praying he'll talk when I call him tonight.. cause I have to tell him now that I'm in love with him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-01-2003
In reply to: kurbygurl
Tue, 12-02-2003 - 4:56pm
But don't you worry that you are making a mistake? Ugh, I feel so torn. I totally adore Dave, but haven't really been around him very much, and we've not been through anything difficult together. What if it all seems great now, but really isn't? And Jake is my best friend and has been for 5 years, what if I lose that? If he'd agree to stay friends it would be one thing, but understandably he doesn't want to do that, and I'm so afraid of losing my best friend! Plus there is all the practical stuff, the house we own together, the car, the furniture, the pets, it is just so much easier to stay. Apathy can be a strong motivator sometimes. Do you ever feel that way? Thanks, it is nice to have someone who knows what I'm going through...
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-17-2003
In reply to: kurbygurl
Thu, 12-18-2003 - 11:24am
I know EXACTLY what you mean. if you read my "but he did exactly what i wanted!" discussion, you'll see the similarities.

my husband is addressing his pot addiction, he's a great guy and my best friend. And yet that seems to be the extent of it. We've been in counseling and trying to get the old feeling back for 8 months now. when is it time to throw in the towel? when I decide to, i guess. He won't give up. And meanwhile, the "dave" in my life is ready to look elsewhere because why should he be alone? We all deserve happiness and I'm coming to believe that more every day. We are not on this planet to supply happiness to others. We are here to be the best people we can be, being kind, being empathetic. That doesn't mean we won't make mistakes--who doesn't? But if you're not true to yourself, then who are you really true with? I didn't let my emotions rule my life. I didn't run off with the other guy after a month. I've tried to make it work, i've thought about it, i've imagined life without either one of them..

My advice to you is to pursue what your heart tells you because if you wind up having kids with your husband it will be that much harder to follow your own path. I know this first-hand.

It may hurt him now, and yes you may lose your best friend. But that will be his choice if he totally walks out of your life. I don't want to lose my husband's friendship either, but i can't let that friendship, that comfort, that familiarity, enslave me inside a relationship and a life that doesn't fulfill me. I hope my rambling made a little sense...