Childless marriages and A's

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2004
Childless marriages and A's
9
Mon, 04-05-2004 - 11:06pm
Anybody involved in an A where neither party has kids?

I've been with H for several years, MM same with his W. Both of us have decided to hold off on having kids till later. Does not having the glue of children make keeping a M together harder? Does it make the A easier? Does it make getting "serious" with the OW or OM easier?

I remember that was one of the very 1st questions that MM asked me when we first met. It was like the 2nd or 3rd question after he asked how long I was married. He never asked IF I was married--he noticed my ring, which I took as a clue that was one of the first things he looked at when we met :) When I said "no" to the kids question, his eyes lit up, he turned to me and we started gabbing the whole night away...


iVillage Member
Registered: 02-16-2004
Tue, 04-06-2004 - 11:14am
I have two children...MM has none (it's been an issue with MM and his W...he wants kids, she does not).
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2004
Tue, 04-06-2004 - 11:33am
I don't think not having kids makes keeping a M together harder. A M will stand or fail on its own merits. In fact, I have seen the opposite happen, where having kids put so much stress on the M that it failed. However, having kids does make it more difficult to leave.

I would guess not having kids would make having an A slightly less stressful. Your guilt is limited to hurting one person. But again, I think in a truly happy M, an A wouldn't even happen. That's my opinion and I know some people will disagree.

I guess I'm curious as to how you feel about your M. Why are you seeking out this MM? Is there something you're missing at home? Again, you can choose whether you want to answer these. I'm just wondering.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2004
Tue, 04-06-2004 - 7:39pm
Omahamm,

Yes, I am missing a lot in my M. My H is not a bad guy. However, we are complete opposites. It is funny how neatly my MM fits in the holes that are missing.

For instance, intellectual conversation. My H just doesn't have the background or worldly knowledge that MM has. He's a HS grad and struggled even in HS; I was first from my family to graduate college, and I graduated from a prestigious private school with great grades. I thought I was above letting that bother me, but he just does not relate to me in so many ways. Also, there's so many times where I know I'm right, but just can't get through to him (though I know that happens to everyone!). He's not dumb. Not at all. He's very talented hands on, as far as creating things with his hands, figuring out how to fix things, etc. But we don't relate.

We met in our early 20s and he was my partner in partying. Now that we're past that stage of our lives, we don't have much in common.

There's more, but yes, my M isn't the greatest, but mostly it seems from my perspective, not from H. Our marriage isn't BAD. That's where it get sticky. I feel as if we had kids, I would be really trying to work on my M. I have a very easygoing personality and have a way of calming fights down and being the rational one in arguments. We always resolve our arguments. My H loves me so much, it breaks my heart that I'm doing this to him. BUT, like I said, there's so much that he cannot possibly provide for me in the form of debate, discussion, etc. We just "hang out" together. H is fine with this, I just feel so alone.

MM and I always talk about politics, current events, our opinions about things, etc. I feel like I don't have to simplify things for him.

I guess I feel that being childless allows me to be more selfish about this situation, which is what this is all about in my case--meeting MY needs.

Also, MM is going back to school, and will be 1st in his family to graduate. He also gets really good grades. So we both have this two-world perspective, both understanding the work-hard-manual-labor type of world as well as the intellectual world. We RELATE.



iVillage Member
Registered: 02-17-2004
Tue, 04-06-2004 - 9:50pm


I don't know if I can say that having no children makes it easier. I have none and my OM has 4...It makes it difficult because I know MM wants no more children and I may want them some day.. But for me not having them.. I feel just as conflicted.. My H and I are complete opposites as well. He is calm and I am the "wild one".. he lectures me all the time like a father instead of being a partner.. Matter of fact, everything my OM likes in me..my H hates... All in all, H is a good guy.. I might not even be in the situation I was in if I could just get him to understand me a little more but after 10 years, he just doesn't get it. or should I say...get me!! I stay in the hope that one day things will change.. I just don't think bringing a child in right now is the right thing.. the only problem is I am running out of time...

SO I guess what I am saying, is it isn't any easier.. at least for me...

Cassy

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2004
Tue, 04-06-2004 - 10:42pm
See, I just wonder what the difference is if BOTH parties don't have kids. That's my situation, and I feel like MM and I are almost "dating". He's introduced me to his father and siblings! I mean, one time, he purposely took me to a bar that he knew his dad was at...WTF??? There was no reason that we needed to go in there. He laughed that his dad was going to make a sarcastic comment about it. We've done stuff together around town, like bowling and going to the casino together. Sometimes I get the vibe that he's testing me out. And I often feel like he doesn't hide our relationship very well. There have been times where I was in the same room with his wife, and he showed very poor body language towards his wife and stood closer to me most of the time.

And I haven't even known him a full 5 months.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-17-2004
Tue, 04-06-2004 - 11:15pm


I am in it for 1 1/2 years and it doesn't get any easier..

I know when I discuss with my OM he thinks I am crazy for staying with H. His feelings are H should treat me better.. He thinks it is easier for me but I want to make sure before anyone leaves anyone it is the right thing for all parties involved including my H, his W and his kids. I don't talk to him about it.. and I get rather annoyed when he talks about it..because I want more time from him now before I make any crazy decisions.. It is hard for me to admit I care so deeply for him as it stands right now

one side note....

I do think it is easier to use kids AS AN EXCUSE as to stay...

cassy

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2004
Wed, 04-07-2004 - 12:04am
Funny--your sentence about using children as an EXCUSE to stay had me thinking of the OPPOSITE for the childless situation...

I am starting to think that in my situation, since there so obviously are issues SO EARLY in marriage (2 yrs.) that staying seems so wrong. I mean, what am I going to be like down the line?

I feel like I could never trust myself to start a family with H.

But the whole mess of divorce...family disappointment...that whole for better or for worse thing...I feel like I'm buying time until I can get myself together, financially and emotionally to face the music.

I've always been the GOOD kid. The one who didn't make waves. Heh.

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Man, this board is theraputic...

Just this one post has help me figure out some things.....

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-17-2004
Wed, 04-07-2004 - 3:20pm


I agree.. this board is Theraputic.... Before I found it I was crazy trying to deal with all the emotions I was dealing with. Then I found the board one day...basically by mistake.. and it has been the best thing for me..

Anyway, the fact I don't have children really doesn't make a difference.. at least to me.. after 10 years of marriage it is the marriage itself.. I know I may be happier but the fact I have dedicated all this time to my H.. I guess I have hope one day he will become the person he once was.. or maybe he never really wasn't what I wanted him to be..

It is so confusing.

If you have only been married 2 years it may be easier for you to leave...I don't know. I was happy until the last 2 years.. At least I thought I was...then my OM who happens to be a client of mine came into my life and I realized I might not be as happy I as I thought I was....well, basically I found out I was NOT happy....But I question myself is it because of OM because I have him to lean on..

By the way, I am the "good" one as well.. everyone would be completely shocked if I was to leave. Family, friends..considering they all think we have the "perfect" marriage.. I guess they see what they want to see....

Cassy




iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Wed, 04-07-2004 - 3:32pm
OK. I confess, I have been avoiding this post as I felt like you were talking about me.

I don't know really if having a child bonds couples together if you have had issues in a marriage in the first place. I have seen things deteriorate between parents after a child is born, since adjusting to children in your life is not very easy. In fact it can be stressful enought without other things coming in the way. A lot of D's in this country happen during the child rearing years. So it is not a fool proof solution to have children to fix your marriage.

I have seen some childless marriages work and some don't within my friends circle. The ones that did not work always had differences in HAVING a child (one of them wanted it and other did not) than anything else. JMHO