the Coaster takes a surprise turn
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| Fri, 04-02-2004 - 12:16am |
Know how the coaster goes really high? Then plunges? Then out of nowhere a sharp bank that makes you kind of go insane?
I watched OW's daughter tonight for about 4 hours. I have no kids, so this much time with and 8 year old is new to me... but totally amazing. I swear, this kid is like hanging out with Buddha she is so open, honest and caring. She didn't want to play Monopoly to win, just play... and when I got low on money, she kept slipping me some under "rent" payments. What 8 year old does that?
Anyway... when OW came home it was really great to see her. I know lots of people go weeks with NC, I've only been 24 hours, but it's more than I'm used to. Just realizing what a big part of my life she is. She stopped to get something insignificant but clearly thoughtful for both the kid and I despite being in transit since 5am. The Coaster goes up.
When I came home... gradually the Coaster descends in preparation for another round.
Unbeknownst to me, the W has spent two evenings reading Dr. Laura's "Care and Feeding of Husbands." Naturally, I am instantly skeptical but keep it to myself. She launches into a twenty minute crying session of how she realizes now what a monster she's been, how she found herself easily in almost every example of how not to keep a husband. That she realizes now that it might be too late and she wants me to be happy, that she sees now why I would want out if my life is anything like these poor men in the book (and goes on to say that it clearly is and I've been far more tolerant than most.) She sincerely apologized, said lots of things I can only count as bizarre but truthful self reflections, and finally said, "it's really your decision in the end, but I hope it isn't too late. Thank you for listening to me so patiently."
Ah, the hidden turn in the Coaster that maintains speed but causes your head to whip sideways...
Still moving and more confused than ever. Nothing to do now I guess but sit in the floor of my new apartment and try not to lose my mind...
rain

Rain,
Its time to turn off the analysis for a bit. Settle into your apartment and spend a little time on you. Turn the music up and give yourself a break. Not every decision has to be made today. Give it time. Your W will show what she really wants and OW will do the same.
You know, I used to like roller-coasters. I don't think I'll ever ride one with the same attitude again. ::grins::
Cazrida
I will tell you what...she (W) Is saying all the right things right now - 2 nights of reading a self-help book makes her no Dr Phil - of course she is trying one last attempt after another to make you come home - she eventally may get you there because you are thinking about it right now....I mean if tears and guilt and love and promises won't work what will ???
It's easy to question these things when you are alone and have the time to think -
...our minds are our worst enemy -
Is she going to be true to her word ??? Maybe ....but for how long - A week a month...6 months ??? who knows for sure right -
Who is it that you want ...probably both of them right ?? But ultimately who do you see yourself with ?
What is it you want..what qualities -- what lifestyle ??
it's terrible it comes down to a list of these things but you are in that situation now to make the choice -
You are still sort of "on the fence" as they call it ---- either way someone is going to get hurt here - your W or the OW - and even you but you owe it to everyone - Especially YOU - to make the decision of where you want your life to be and with whom you want it to be with
Good Luck Rain -
By reading your posts I can kind of tell how deeply you adore OW -
Give her a chance - I don't know your history all that much but you speak of her with such love, respect and affection that I can only hope my MM feels half of what you feel for your OW - and that is just my opinion of what I have read -
I don't envy you it's heart wrenching and heart warming all at the same time -
But think selfishly....it's all about your happiness
Follow your heart
Kikki
I finished that statement with "I hate roller coasters." Especially now. Reading your story I thought of my last coaster ride.... head whipping back and forth smashing against that rail that comes down over your shoulders. Geez. Yes I hate coasters.
elf
Hang in there and good luck!
GB2
Anyway, sounds like you are doing good Rain, with the rollercoaster thing. BTW, your OW's kid sound like a real caring person to me. One hurdle less to cross. Hang in there you will do well.
Don't know what to tell you except that your situation does seem confusing. In my and my husband's case I can say for sure that we don't have conflicting personalities and that most of our ideas seem to be in sync ( except our taste in music)....we are best friends....and I am trying to step it up a notch to bring in the passion that I consider lately missing (and he doesn't.....he is a Leo....cute and sexy...if he gets loving sex he is happy...doesn't need to discuss world situations before that...I am the Gemini...needs to have a lot of mental foreplay...discuss politics...play head games etc etc) but I can envision a very happy life with him. In your case, chances are that you and wife could really have conflicting personalities (I thought about that since you said she is a virgo)or chances are that due to your connection (with its tones of sexuality) with the OW your mind is clouded. BTW you should visit the betrayed spouses board, you will find there are many happy endings where the betraying husband does a 180 degrees and so does the betrayed wife (by being more considerate of his needs) and they are living happily ever after...I have yet to see a happy ending in the affair section or maybe the happy people don't come back to give their happy endings....but in the end I suggest that you get out, live alone for a while, make a list of pros and cons for both women, analyze their habits, BTW do ask your OW why she got divorced and if she has burnt bridges with her ex or not...burning bridges not a good persoanlity trait ...what mistakes she thinks she made....if she says...its all her ex's fault....need to really analyze that statement closely, with the W consider what it would take to make you and her happy and if you both have that to make each other happy, how good W's intentions are, I think analyzing what it takes to save the primary relationship always takes priority over saving what you have with OW, analyze if you and OW can have a trusting relationship, consider the depression issue too with OW and asking her what she is doing (life style changes) to improve that, etc etc.
In the end, look at the situation from a very objective point of view. Get out for a few months NOT days, if you are meeting OW during that time, meet the W too, if having sex with OW have it with W too so that when you compare ...your mind is not tilted towards one. Just give yourself time and don't rush to a decision. In my case asking fate to help me helped too.
BTW this coaster word got me thinking...visiting hubby in new city...going to Six Flags during spring break (starts today) and riding real coasters....my husband hates them...I asked MM one day if he liked them wondering it might be the magic question making it easier to choose between H and MM :-P, MM hated it too....poor old guy...he might get a heart attack :)
PG
Disclaimer. This advice was meant for Rain. Any similarity with any body else's situation whether living or dead is coincidental :)
I agree that you need to do what is right for you rain because if you don't, everyone involved will regret it later. If you go back to your W out of guilt or fear, odds are you will end up leaving again at some point down the road. If you think it was difficult this time, imagine how hard it will be then.
Ultimately this is going to be incredibly difficult. I know my W goes back and forth between being sweet because she wants me to stay and being miserable and wanting me to leave now. Unfortunately I have another 45 days before I can move. The solitude you live with now is not easy, but in some ways it is easier than living in limbo. Just embrace your time alone. Use it to have fun rather than to ponder all that you're going through. Consider your time alone your straight away on your roller coaster.
And above all, do not be influenced by your W's sudden realization. Anything she gained from a book by Dr. Laura is worthless in my opinion. I have read some of that particular book and it is as bigoted as any book I've ever read. Her basic argument is men want to be fed and given sex. That is all they want and all they need. And women must give them what they need. I couldn't figure out whether the book was more offensive to men or women. All in all, I would say it is offensive to any thinking, feeling human being. Maybe it made your W feel bad about some of the things she has done. But it would be for all the wrong reasons. And above all, I don't think it will last anyway.
Stay strong. If you ever want to e-mail me, feel free to do so. I truly am going through much of the same things you are. Granted my OW is 300 miles away and I can't see her at all. And I haven't yet moved out. But the thoughts and feelings you are experiencing are something I can empathize with. Take care of yourself man and try to have some fun once in awhile.