codependent or love?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2008
codependent or love?
3
Wed, 09-17-2008 - 5:11pm

As of late I have been trying to figure out some things with my M.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2007
Wed, 09-17-2008 - 8:39pm

Nope, you are not crazy, although you can feel like you are going crazy.

I too, worried about how my STBX would take it when I finally made the move. I think that's why it took me 10 years to finally leave the M. All those times that I would think about my needs not being met, or the M wasn't what I thought a healthy R should be - I quickly pushed those feelings back down and thought if I just tried harder he would love me like I wanted.
So, in a sense I was codependent, I struggled with that for a long time. I ignored or discounted my own needs because I thought that was the way to love a person, just concentrate on them. When he was mean to me, I told myself all kinds of crap about how I could do better or be better and he wouldn't get upset.
I don't know exactly how, or when I came to realize that I wasn't the only one at fault in our M. Slowly, over time, I began to get a clearer picture of how he really was. In fact, he was always that way, and perhaps it was a type of fog that I didn't tell myself he wasn't healthy for me sooner.
I read alot, journaled and really started to pay attention to the dynamics of our R. That's how I slowly realized that what we had wasn't love, wasn't a partnership or even a friendship. It was me, trying to gain his approval.
It's tough to say the words and leave, but then, OMG, it's so amazing. Yes, it's a bit scary, but as your soul realizes that someone's heel isn't grinding into it constantly, you become stronger, more confident and more open.
Through all that I've lost the panicky feeling that I won't be liked. I like me, and if you don't, well, that's ok. It took me years to get to that point. But it keeps getting better.
My STBX would certainly fall into the emotionally unavailable category. It does make you crazy, because you keep thinking it's you, but it really is them. If you feel like you are just hitting the same wall over and over again, that things get better for a bit, because you said something about it, then it just goes back to the way it was, it's time to say enough is enough.
Good luck to you,

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-07-2008
Thu, 09-18-2008 - 6:39am

I can totally relate to what you are saying.

I am constantly postponing a decision that has to be made sooner or later. Thank you for that paragraph, it explains a lot.

Wishing you the best of luck!

Hugs,
Charlotte

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2008
Thu, 09-18-2008 - 10:47am

Thank you for sharing why-not.


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These words so hit home with me.