Coming clean? Upcoming D!
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Coming clean? Upcoming D!
| Mon, 09-01-2008 - 5:31pm |
Ok everyone....im going to spill
Ive been worrying a bit lately...hence the moaning! and posts! on edge on how to handle AP...bc I am going to be facing getting a D from STBXH at the end of this year early next.....
AP has askedme a couple of times when ill be getting D? well thing is I must admit im a little scared and nervous on how to brake this to AP without making him feel awkward?
Ive been worrying a bit lately...hence the moaning! and posts! on edge on how to handle AP...bc I am going to be facing getting a D from STBXH at the end of this year early next.....
AP has askedme a couple of times when ill be getting D? well thing is I must admit im a little scared and nervous on how to brake this to AP without making him feel awkward?


LT,
So, you're getting a D and you want to tell AP, but not make him feel responsible. Or you don;t want him to feel under pressure. Or not worry that he will be named in the D. Or not panic that you may become more needy. Or you will expect more from your A. Or that you may need a shoulder to cry on. Or let him know that you're not getting a D for him, but for you? Or that you don't expect him to follow suit. Or that you will finally be single and therefore available to other men.
I think I get what you are asking.
You tell him calmly. "I decided to get a D. This has nothing to do with you. This has everything to do with me. It's going to be an emotional roller coaster and sometimes I might me a little needy. Sometimes I might need a shoulder to cy on. Sometimes I might need you to just hold me. But I am getting a D because that is what I need to do. This doesn't change anything between us. Just that now, I will be single. I don't plan to involve you in this. I don't plan for stbxH to find out about us and use that. I don't plan to put your lifestyle/life at risk. This is not about you, its about me and stbxH. I might need your support."
Thankyou BTDT xxxx
Yes you do understand where I am coming from and your first paragraph explains my worries down to the last detail...it is so nice to have someone who understands.
I knew that this day would come! The good thing about it is I no longer have any contact, feelings, or anything left for STBXH and my AP is everything to me hence me wanting some advice prior to talking to him so I knew how to handle things.
I know you are right about giving him time (AP)...when I tell him its probably going to shake him up! more than it will me (as I have no feelings left for STBXH, and have been proir prepared)
Glitter Graphics
You're welcome. :)
Just treat the two aspects of your life completely separately - no need for either to affect the other. It's tough to do, but you can do it.
So, move through the D with dignity. Don't give AP all the dirty details; just let him know as you progress - you know, such as "Oh, next week is my first hearing" or "I meet with my attorney on Friday". Just keep it light conversation and let AP ask questions if he wants to. But basically, anything he doesn't ask, he doesn't want to know. And there may be things he does ask that you don't want to share - and that's fine too, as long as you handle it sensitively. Like, "Oh, there's just a lot of details that I don't really want to get into". I learned through my D that there are times when you need support so you just share your feelings with AP, there are times you want advice so you share details, and there are times when you just want to be with him, so you share nothing of the D.
As to your relationship with AP - just focus on keeping it the same. If you start to change your behavior or let him know your expectations are changing, he will probably get nervous and start to worry that the D is changing what you want from him. So, since he is still M, don't start talking to him about possibly leaving his W (unless, of course, you already talk about that). Don't do anything that will make him think "Uh Oh. Now she's getting a D, she thinks I will". Reassure him that you are happy with the current arrangement and you do not expect any more from him than you already get (if that's the case).
Finally, I think AP might start to worry that, now you are S, you could be looking for a single guy and that may make him feel threatened. At some point you might. But for now, if he needs reassurance that nothing has changed for you, then give him that reassurance. Since you haven't had a relationship with stbxH in so long, it should be pretty easy for you to carry on "business as usual" - there's really very little that practically, is changing.
Good luck! Stay calm! Breathe!