Coming to an end...

Avatar for jennifer825
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2003
Coming to an end...
4
Mon, 02-16-2004 - 10:10pm
I am so glad to have stumbled across this board tonight.. I have felt alone in my emotions for a very long time, having no one else to share my experiences with. I often feel like I've betrayed my close friends for not divulging my secret affair.. I just don't think I could bear their reaction. Some of my friends would understand, others probably wouldn't (since they themselves have been victims of affairs).

I have been married for 3 1/2 years, known my H for 8 years.... Involved in an affair since April 2002. I am still in love with him. (Forgive me, I don't know the abbreviations yet) My husband is aware of the affair, and has been since October 2002. We separated in December 2002-- and reunited in March 2003. (Basically, we've tried to make the marriage work for almost a year now.) I've "slipped" 3 or 4 times with the OM... He has tried to get into relationships with others, none of them were equal to what we shared. He is not married.

The starting point of the affair came about 16 months into our marriage, when my H told me he didn't want to have children. I think I looked for ways to punish him for hurting me so badly with that... and I see know how vulnerable I was.. and how I began the relationship with the Other Man.

Fast forward now, to the present, and I am finally coming to terms with the fact that I am facing divorce. I have known for a long time that my H wasn't the right person for me, but being the fighter I am.. I have had a difficult time giving up on "us". We've had several recent discussions, several trips to a counselor.. but now, the bottom line is.. we're about to end.

Now, I'm faced with a whole other set of questions and fears.. Do I jump into relationship with OM... what should I tell him? Am I even able to have a relationship with anyone, while I still need to grieve the end of my marriage? Will I ever be trustworthy again? Am I a bad woman? All these questions-- and I'm just too hesitant to go back to counseling.. I'm lost.

I appreciate this board for the fact I need a place to go and vent... thank you, ladies, for listening.

J.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
Tue, 02-17-2004 - 1:02am

Hi J and welcome to the board,


If I were you... I'd give yourself time to finish your marriage... and get yourself together... if OM cares and loves you... he will give you the space and time you need.

Sweet
Co-Community Leader My

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2004
Tue, 02-17-2004 - 11:27am
Hi Jennifer... welcome to a safe place! Honey, quit thinking you are bad. God gave us these feelings for a reason. We may not always know how to handle them, or make the right choices, but we are human after all. If you can -- and I know it's hard -- try and make your decision regarding the marriage seperately from any decision about the affair. Sounds like you might need a little space between the two anyway. Please don't leave one man for another. If you do, it will put a burden on the newer relationship before it even has an opportunity to blossom. If counseling helps you, you might consider going alone so you can talk through some of the issues. I guess I mostly just wanted you to know that the things you are feeling are normal, you are good inside or you wouldn't even have these types of thoughts. Hang in there, sister. Let us know how it goes.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-16-2004
Tue, 02-17-2004 - 12:27pm
Repeat after me...."I am not a bad person...I am not a bad person."

You can't help the feelings you are having. Just take one day at a time. It's true...if your OM truly loves you, he will give you the space you need and will wait for you to decide. Only time will tell.

In the meantime...welcome to the boards! We're all going through the same feelings and emotions and nobody here is judgemental!

(((HUGS)))

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Tue, 02-17-2004 - 1:02pm
I'm new to the board too, and although I was the other woman and never cheated on my husband, I feel an extraordinary amount of guilt. But don't. As the others have said, our feeling are our feelings. You don't sound like a bad person, you are able to recogonize the situation for what it is and you sound like you have a good head on your shoulders.

I agree with the others, give yourself some breathing room with the new relationship. He will understand and even appreciate the fact that you are taking this relationship seriously. If you didn't take that time, he might just feel that you are rushing into things. You sound like you are on the right track.

Good Luck!

Sheri