Common Themes
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Common Themes
| Wed, 04-21-2004 - 9:30am |
In reading many of the posts I have seen some common themes; he makes me feel alive and wanted; I can be the "real" me; the sex is amazing; we can never leave our families or spouses; we are best friends; we can be special but not first. I am just wondering, if these relationships became normal would the sex still be amazing, could you still be the "real" you or would you fall into a different role, more inside than outside. Does the very nature of these relationships make them special and not real world? Is this why we are so smitten? And if we do get what we want, is it really all that great after all or would it eventually become hum drum, ho-hum after awhile? Just some questions to ponder. Any thoughts?

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For my part, I think it will remain much the same as we go forward. We are who we are, we met under the most honest of circumstances and acted exactly how we wanted with no filtering. As out R has grown, there have been no "date selves" to get past, no "real me" changes to make.
It may not be true of every A, but for me I think it will be wonderful. In three weeks of being there every night and spending weekends with her finally, I find I enjoy our time together more and more because it gets less and less stressful... and yes, we already have to deal with paying daycare, car troubles, etc. It's not going to get a lot more "real world" than this, and still it's getting better.
I do feel special with her, and I try to create that feeling *for* her as well. I'm smitten by her because I've never pretended to be something else or even dialed back who I am, and she loves me completely. I can't imagine how being loved and accepted for who we are will ever become mundane or ho-hum, especially since we've both been in Rs that didn't allow that.
Good topic, though. I'll look forward to following this one.
rain
I don’t know yet of any example on this board (I wish I could) where an affair has led to a happy marriage or to any marriage at all so can’t answer if that marriage would become humdrum after a while but I did read a book recently (have totally forgotten the name and author’s name but can find out) which mentions a very interesting scientific point about what brain does when being in an affair. The human brain secretes a certain chemical when one has that initial attraction to somebody else and if and when a comfortable relationship establishes the brain starts secreting another chemical. Now, due to the nature of the affair which constitutes period of togetherness followed by separation (where you can not have that one person to yourself for a long period of time for the brain to adjust to secreting the second chemical) the brain keeps on secreting the initial attraction chemical on and on. This results in that feeling of huge euphoric attraction that just stays there and doesn’t seem to fade away as long as the affair continues.
PG
Edited 4/24/2004 4:25 pm ET ET by julietsfate
OM and I have talked about what our lives would be like if we were married now, or in 20 years, or in 40 years. We would never leave our marriages (and have no interest in abandoning our spouses, it's not that we "can't," we don't want to), but we have agreed to try to structure our careers and personal lives so that we can always be together. If someday we're both widowed, we'll marry - that's a given - but we would never do anything to hasten the process.
What would be different? Oh, there would be little disagreements over things we don't have to think about at all in our current situation. Kids, and time management, and money management. Bigger disagreements - we argue differently, and we'd need to come to agreement on the "rules of engagement" for arguments. But really, in that sense, it would be no different than any other couple who decides to marry. There are simply some things that people who don't cohabitate don't have to worry about. If OM and I married in the near term, I would have to stop working and stay home because someone would have to manage the combined (large) quantity of children, which would bring its own set of challenges. He would have to adjust to having a much more scheduled life, with more obligations to more people than he has now.
But I don't think the things that bind us together fundamentally would change. I'm "me" with him, and I'm "me" with DH - I could never be in a relationship where I couldn't be myself. I know that there are fluctuations in the feelings of love and "being in love," and I've already had times during the 2+ years we've been together when I love OM but don't feel as "in love" as I did at other times, just as I have with DH. So I think it would work just fine.
Now that we get to spend more time together we are learning more about each other's preferences, habits, tastes. Some we accept, a few require some compromise, there is still some misunderstanding and miscommunication here and there but it's a normal process of exploring and getting used to each other. If and when our relationship becomes "normal" I think it will pretty much stay the same. It will probably just become more settled and content.
Yes, sadly, intense feelings tend to fade overtime. But that's where other things such as love, compatibility, mutual interests, respect, reliability, willingness to share and compromise come into play. A marriage fails not when the "butterflies" are gone but when all those other aspects have been non-existent straight from the start of it.
My M isn't failing because the butterflies are gone. It's failing because we have almost no common interests, we never shared work in our home, we do not compromise well and have very different sex drives. We disagree on what's important in life and with which people we'd like to spend our time. The only thing we ever really built our R on was friendship that existed before based on a single common thread, which we still have... but it just isn't enough to sustain a life together.
When the buzz starts to fade with the OW, we will still have so many things in common. It's really amazing, I've never been around a woman that shares so many of my interests. I think even after cooling a little it sounds like we'll still have high sex drives because we've both been disappointed in previous Rs by how fast our partners faded on us.
So far, our increase in time together has only revealed more we have in common and shown that we deal with complications even better than we expected. Sure, it might change a little as time passes, but I'm doubting that it would lead to either of us straying in search of a new buzz.
I'll take the middle ground between PG and Boston. I agree that I don't like the idea of everything just being a chemical reaction, though I can recognize the scientific idea that there is probably something to that. But I don't think I'll get bored just because my chemical output changes; I really think there are things that make me like being with the OW that surpass how much I always want to have my hand on her butt...
rain
If you do get to settle down with the OW/OM it will be the compatibility or the lack of baggage that would be a factor in how successful the relationship and not the chemicals.
What I was trying to explain was what the book said about that surge of feelings while in the affair and not how later one fares in a relationship with the affair partner.
PG
Edited 4/21/2004 1:31 pm ET ET by opal_fire
I have been a long time lurker, and want to add my two cents to this thread. I am about to celebrate my 5th anniversary with my DH, we have two daughters together. Our relationship began as an affair. (I was married, he was single.)
The dynamics of our relationship has changed, of course. I still love him with all my heart. We still have wonderfully exciting sex. No, its not butterflies all the time, after all, we have been together for almost 8 years now. Real life DOES change things.
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