Common Themes

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Common Themes
13
Wed, 04-21-2004 - 9:30am
In reading many of the posts I have seen some common themes; he makes me feel alive and wanted; I can be the "real" me; the sex is amazing; we can never leave our families or spouses; we are best friends; we can be special but not first. I am just wondering, if these relationships became normal would the sex still be amazing, could you still be the "real" you or would you fall into a different role, more inside than outside. Does the very nature of these relationships make them special and not real world? Is this why we are so smitten? And if we do get what we want, is it really all that great after all or would it eventually become hum drum, ho-hum after awhile? Just some questions to ponder. Any thoughts?

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Registered: 03-04-2004
Wed, 04-21-2004 - 9:41am
Well, I don't entirely know for sure yet. But so far... having moved out, spending every night with the OW, and having recently shared my A with a close friend...

For my part, I think it will remain much the same as we go forward. We are who we are, we met under the most honest of circumstances and acted exactly how we wanted with no filtering. As out R has grown, there have been no "date selves" to get past, no "real me" changes to make.

It may not be true of every A, but for me I think it will be wonderful. In three weeks of being there every night and spending weekends with her finally, I find I enjoy our time together more and more because it gets less and less stressful... and yes, we already have to deal with paying daycare, car troubles, etc. It's not going to get a lot more "real world" than this, and still it's getting better.

I do feel special with her, and I try to create that feeling *for* her as well. I'm smitten by her because I've never pretended to be something else or even dialed back who I am, and she loves me completely. I can't imagine how being loved and accepted for who we are will ever become mundane or ho-hum, especially since we've both been in Rs that didn't allow that.

Good topic, though. I'll look forward to following this one.

rain

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Registered: 01-19-2004
Wed, 04-21-2004 - 9:57am
That’s a good question. There can be many answers. There are some people who are incompatible (mentally, sexually, etc) to begin with but still get married and the differences between them keep on coming up and eventually leading to an affair. There are others where there might not be any major incompatibility but as time passes along one spouse might start taking the other for granted or due to time apart the spouses might not be able to maintain the connection or certain stressful life situations may come which may take a toll on a marriage and during such a vulnerability a third party might jump in. Then there are people who have been raised in dysfunctional families and come with extreme baggage or may have self esteem issues or don’t know how to love another person and if there is one or two of such people together, it would be difficult to make a marriage work. I would tend to think that such people would be unable to make any relationship work after a certain time.

I don’t know yet of any example on this board (I wish I could) where an affair has led to a happy marriage or to any marriage at all so can’t answer if that marriage would become humdrum after a while but I did read a book recently (have totally forgotten the name and author’s name but can find out) which mentions a very interesting scientific point about what brain does when being in an affair. The human brain secretes a certain chemical when one has that initial attraction to somebody else and if and when a comfortable relationship establishes the brain starts secreting another chemical. Now, due to the nature of the affair which constitutes period of togetherness followed by separation (where you can not have that one person to yourself for a long period of time for the brain to adjust to secreting the second chemical) the brain keeps on secreting the initial attraction chemical on and on. This results in that feeling of huge euphoric attraction that just stays there and doesn’t seem to fade away as long as the affair continues.


PG

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Registered: 09-16-2003
Wed, 04-21-2004 - 11:04am
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Edited 4/24/2004 4:25 pm ET ET by julietsfate
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Registered: 02-12-2002
Wed, 04-21-2004 - 11:23am
There are absolutely special qualities about these relationships that make them different. Just as a dating relationship is different from living together, which is different from being married, there are definitely differences between an affair and every other type of relationship.

OM and I have talked about what our lives would be like if we were married now, or in 20 years, or in 40 years. We would never leave our marriages (and have no interest in abandoning our spouses, it's not that we "can't," we don't want to), but we have agreed to try to structure our careers and personal lives so that we can always be together. If someday we're both widowed, we'll marry - that's a given - but we would never do anything to hasten the process.

What would be different? Oh, there would be little disagreements over things we don't have to think about at all in our current situation. Kids, and time management, and money management. Bigger disagreements - we argue differently, and we'd need to come to agreement on the "rules of engagement" for arguments. But really, in that sense, it would be no different than any other couple who decides to marry. There are simply some things that people who don't cohabitate don't have to worry about. If OM and I married in the near term, I would have to stop working and stay home because someone would have to manage the combined (large) quantity of children, which would bring its own set of challenges. He would have to adjust to having a much more scheduled life, with more obligations to more people than he has now.

But I don't think the things that bind us together fundamentally would change. I'm "me" with him, and I'm "me" with DH - I could never be in a relationship where I couldn't be myself. I know that there are fluctuations in the feelings of love and "being in love," and I've already had times during the 2+ years we've been together when I love OM but don't feel as "in love" as I did at other times, just as I have with DH. So I think it would work just fine.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2004
Wed, 04-21-2004 - 11:50am
I think there will be as many answers as there are posters on this one. Our situations are all different, even though they may seem to have a common thread. Just like a marriage, or any other human relationship for that matter, there are dynamics and pieces of that relationship no one sees but the two involved. For me, I think that my relationship with my H changed because he was disabled. I had to change how I dealt with him -- certainly not his fault in any way. This changed my feeling. Had he remained whole, I believe (perhaps naively) that our marriage would still have the same fire it did in the beginning. MM fills a need in me that H no longer can. I fill a similar need for him. We both acknowledge this, love each for it, but recognize that we could probably not be married and maintain the same level of passion that we share now. Nevertheless -- we love what we have. It is what it is, as we're all fond of saying.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Wed, 04-21-2004 - 11:57am
I really don't feel terribly comfortable with the idea of seeing all these incredible feelings that I've never experienced before as merely some chemical secret produced by my brain as Philly suggested. I'd like to think of it as being in love with a woman who was able to touch my heart and who loves and accepts me for who I am with all of my quirks and faults and imperfections. I myself am very far from declaring that she is perfect and can do no wrong. It's just that I accept her entirely and even with all of her "wrongs" she is still the woman that lights my fire.

Now that we get to spend more time together we are learning more about each other's preferences, habits, tastes. Some we accept, a few require some compromise, there is still some misunderstanding and miscommunication here and there but it's a normal process of exploring and getting used to each other. If and when our relationship becomes "normal" I think it will pretty much stay the same. It will probably just become more settled and content.

Yes, sadly, intense feelings tend to fade overtime. But that's where other things such as love, compatibility, mutual interests, respect, reliability, willingness to share and compromise come into play. A marriage fails not when the "butterflies" are gone but when all those other aspects have been non-existent straight from the start of it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2004
Wed, 04-21-2004 - 12:31pm
boston made a really good point here.

My M isn't failing because the butterflies are gone. It's failing because we have almost no common interests, we never shared work in our home, we do not compromise well and have very different sex drives. We disagree on what's important in life and with which people we'd like to spend our time. The only thing we ever really built our R on was friendship that existed before based on a single common thread, which we still have... but it just isn't enough to sustain a life together.

When the buzz starts to fade with the OW, we will still have so many things in common. It's really amazing, I've never been around a woman that shares so many of my interests. I think even after cooling a little it sounds like we'll still have high sex drives because we've both been disappointed in previous Rs by how fast our partners faded on us.

So far, our increase in time together has only revealed more we have in common and shown that we deal with complications even better than we expected. Sure, it might change a little as time passes, but I'm doubting that it would lead to either of us straying in search of a new buzz.

I'll take the middle ground between PG and Boston. I agree that I don't like the idea of everything just being a chemical reaction, though I can recognize the scientific idea that there is probably something to that. But I don't think I'll get bored just because my chemical output changes; I really think there are things that make me like being with the OW that surpass how much I always want to have my hand on her butt...

rain

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Registered: 01-19-2004
Wed, 04-21-2004 - 12:57pm
Just so that the point in the book (I mentioned) doesn't get taken differently than intended here’s a little more detail. Many of us would probably remember the time when we had the butterflies with our spouses during the initial courtship but when we compare that with many of us might be feeling with the current relationship with OM/OW...it might not appear that strong. One reason for that is probably memory but the other one more importantly that the book mentioned was that SPECIFICALLY in an affair the brain keeps on building the attraction chemical up and up since you don't get the time with the OM/OW for the brain to get accustomed to the partner to secrete the comfort zone chemical. Back then when courting the spouse, the relationship got accustomed to relatively quickly with no third party hindering it. But in the current case, the crescendo of feelings just stays there...just like an orgasm that keeps on building but doesn't get relieved….thus these feelings for the OW/OM would just feel stronger than what you have felt for the spouse back THEN.

If you do get to settle down with the OW/OM it will be the compatibility or the lack of baggage that would be a factor in how successful the relationship and not the chemicals.

What I was trying to explain was what the book said about that surge of feelings while in the affair and not how later one fares in a relationship with the affair partner.

PG

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2003
Wed, 04-21-2004 - 1:29pm
Well, mine was an arranged marriage. My background -- I am from Cameroon where such marriages are common. I did get excited and my comfort zone chemical was overflowing (and was probably doing overtime... LOL). However it was because my life was going to change and I was getting married. I did like my husband, but didn't get the butterflies and intense urge to kiss him like I do with MM. So your book doesn't do any good for my case.


Edited 4/21/2004 1:31 pm ET ET by opal_fire
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Registered: 04-21-2004
Wed, 04-21-2004 - 2:07pm

I have been a long time lurker, and want to add my two cents to this thread. I am about to celebrate my 5th anniversary with my DH, we have two daughters together. Our relationship began as an affair. (I was married, he was single.)


The dynamics of our relationship has changed, of course. I still love him with all my heart. We still have wonderfully exciting sex. No, its not butterflies all the time, after all, we have been together for almost 8 years now. Real life DOES change things.

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