Completely Freaked Out! Help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2004
Completely Freaked Out! Help!
9
Sat, 05-01-2004 - 1:56am
I am so confused. I don't know what to do. I hope you guys can help me.

My H is out of town and my MM and his W invited me out to do something tonite (we're all very good friends and have been since long before this A started). Since we're all friends, it would have been wierd to turn the invitation down. So we went out, everything was fine and then we went back to my house. His W went to the bathroom and he walked over and kissed me. He was still leaning over me when she walked out of the bathroom. It looked bad, I have no doubt, and she completely freaked out. She started demanding an explanation on what was going on between us. After a lot of talk, we managed to calm her down and, I think, convince her that nothing was going on between us. But the fact is that now that seed of suspicion is planted in her mind. I know as a woman I would second-guess everything from here on out.

We have two extended vacations planned together in the next couple of months so there is no way of avoiding each other. I am so completely freaked out and scared. MM and I were supposed to meet Sunday for a few hours but I think we need to call it off. At this point, I am considering calling off everything between MM and me.

Has anyone else been in a similar position? One of potentially being discovered? What did you do? I am so incredibly scared. Please, please help. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks!

Jess

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Sat, 05-01-2004 - 9:53am
I have not been in your position although MM and I potentially could be with spouses in the same setting. Anyway, your mm's W is goign to very suspicious. Maybe put some distance btn. you and MM but if you don't want to do that COVER YOUR TRACKS! Erase emaials immediately, erase messages, take #'s off caller id. If he calls you make sure he dials someone else after you in case she hits redial! As far as when you are together around spouses...no more risk taking! Do the opposite! Only interact with you MM when you have to when she is around. Avoid glances or chances to be alone. If this is something you want to continue you have to play it safe..really make an effort so she never finds out. the consequences are too great!!! Please keep us posted!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2003
Sat, 05-01-2004 - 12:01pm
I just wanted to add something, if you ignore him completely, that too will raise flags. You need to act like you normally do around him , but just not take any more risks when one of your spouses is out of the room when you are all together

good luck

SB

 Seeburg    

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2004
Mon, 05-03-2004 - 12:38pm
Jessie,

BTDT...not a great place to be! MM and I came close to discovery. MM and I had planned to meet up in another town for a few hours. My alibi was very plausible...work related. Well, fast forward...because of some VERY bizarre coincidences, my H got his radar up and decided to check up on my alibi. His only purpose was to calm his own mind...he fully expected to find I was w/ who I said I was. Well, imagine his surprise when he found out the person I was supposed to be meeting was in her office. After several very weird calls to my cell...I knew there was something really wrong...he point blank asked me if I was having an A. I won't make this a long story...suffice it to say I scrambled and came up with a plausible story. It was a miracle because I still don't know how I pulled it off.

MM freaked out for a while...said he didn't think the A was worth hurting our families. We (mostly he) decided to lay low for a while. We did email/talk almost every day...just every day stuff, nothing personal. After about a month he called out of the blue and was in town and wanted to meet. We picked up right where we left off.

My advice would be to back off, but don't end contact...keep up any sort of communication that would be normal in your pre-A relationship. DON'T leave any 'evidence' such as emails, letters, cell phone call longs, etc. As much as I would love to re-read some of our emails, I delete them ALL. Most of all, don't freak out, try to remain calm and act normal. Don't over compensate w/ H...act as you normally would. In time things will calm down.

Hang in there...use the board when you feel like you will explode...as they say, this too shall pass!

Billie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2004
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 6:08am
To those of you who replied, thank you SO much. You have no idea how much you helped.

Things have settled down a great deal, both internally with me and externally with the W. She even invited me to go shopping with her on Saturday, which was the last thing I really wanted to do but MM said it was a peace offering from her and to just go along with it. Believe it or not, it turned out really well. It helps that she freaked out about something completely unrelated to us just the weekend before. She seems to do that occasionally. But the thing is that I really do like his W and find myself in such a strange position because of it. I used to think that I could never have an A if only because I could never do that to another woman. Well, as they say, never say never!

MM and I had a long talk on Sunday and we're definitely taking your advice by cooling things off for awhile and we're NOT taking anymore unneccesary chances. This weekend will be rough because the four of us are all going away for the weekend together (this has been in the works for a long time and would be very suspicious if I tried to cancel.) But I feel that if we can make it through this weekend without any incidents, things will start to be a lot better. Wish me luck!

Thanks again for the support and encouragement. Last weekend was awful and it was good to have someplace to go to get it off my chest.

Happy Day!

Jess

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 7:14am
Jessie-

Have a good weekend! It will be hard being so close but just take comfort knowing he is so close to you and thinking of you as well. This will certainly ease the W's fears so it is necessary! Let us know how it goes!

Bria

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 7:26am
I've been following this story, and just curious about the advice that you are getting. I mean, who the hell am I to judge about whether this is right or wrong, but my goodness, everyone makes it sound as though it’s no big deal. I know that we don't necessarily choose who we "fall" for, but does it have to be the husband of a woman that you're friends with? Where is the tact, common sense? I’m sorry, don't mean to be an ass, but just thought that it had to be said. Everyone seems so encouraging (which i guess this board is for) but don’t lose sight on the other side of things while you're feeling so good about carrying on the deception.

If you really want the help that as you claim, you would end it. It's funny how we usually KNOW what we need to do, but come up with all kinds of excuses and justifications NOT to do it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2004
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 8:52am
You said it.... we can't help who we fall for. I am in the same situation. MM is my best friend's H.... We can't help it. There has been an attraction for years. It just happened.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2004
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 9:16am
Happy,

I'm not sure I know your story. Would you mind filling me in? Seems we're all being deceptive in some way. Otherwise we wouldn't be on this board.

Not that it matters, but I was friends with my MM for years before he got married. The W became my friend because of his marriage, essentially. He made the first move. We have tried to end it several times but each time was obviously unsuccessful. Yes, of course I know it would be the right thing to end it. I'm sure in your situation it would be the right thing to end it, too (unless you're not in an A but are just here to stir up trouble). Just because I know and like his W doesn't make it any better or worse, IMO. The way you make it sound, it's more "tactful" and more okay to potentially hurt someone if you don't know the H or W?

You don't know me so I would appreciate it if you would try not to pass judgment on me. I'm a good person with strong religious beliefs. I work hard, pay taxes, give back to the community in many ways. Believe me, this is not the path I would have ever chosen. It sounds stupid to say that this "just happened" but it did and now I'm trying to make the best of a less-than-ideal situation. I know that the Bible says "Thou shalt not commit adultery," but it also says "Judge not lest ye be judged" and "Hey who is without sin, let him cast the first stone."

Just something to think about.




Edited 5/5/2004 9:32 am ET ET by jessiesgirl2004

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2004
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 9:23am
Briatan,

I sent you an e-mail back. Did you get it?