Confession of a MW - My story.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2009
Confession of a MW - My story.
13
Thu, 07-16-2009 - 10:59pm

OMG – Sorry this is so long…! Once I started typing, I just couldn’t stop.

My H and I have been M for 8 yrs now. We have 1 DD (5 yro) with special needs. Until DD was diagnosed 2 years ago I thought that DH and I would end up dancing the funky chicken together at our 50th wedding anniversary. We have an age difference of 13 years. We married when I was in my mid 20's and he was in his late 30's.

At first I thought it was fantastic that he was older. He was mature, patient, knowledgeable, confident... all off the benefits that age can bring and all of the things that I was looking for in a H and future father of my children. We had an amazing first few years together as a couple before our DD came along and I used to brag to my girlfriends how we NEVER fought. Initially I thought, “Wow, what an easy going, laid back guy.” What more could an easy going and laid back girl want? Together we built a storybook life and were the envy of all of our friends. People would literally tell us we were made for each other.

Things changed slightly with the arrival of DD, but what M doesn’t when the R dynamic goes from 2 to 3? For the first time in our R, we would snap at each other, over petty stupid things like how much soap to put in the baby bath or who’s turn it was to let the cat in. I chalked it up to new parent jitters and a lack of sleep. Within the first 3 months it became clear to me that DD was going to have some special needs and that’s when things really started to change with the R. I was so worried about DD, but DH was in denial about the situation. I needed somebody to share my concerns with, but he didn’t want to see the reality. If I voiced my opinion, he said I was just being a nervous new mother. I gave up trying to talk to him, or anybody about it. Finally, after 3 years of worry, we had a diagnosis of Autism. I knew all along (I’m a google queen) but it hit him hard. He refused to believe it and now 2 years after the diagnosis he still says things like, “she’ll be fine” or “she’ll outgrow this.” I’ve done the research, I know what we’re facing and every time he says this, a little piece of me dies inside because I know deep down, it’s just not true. She’ll improve no doubt, but she’ll never out grow it. This is a life long condition and something she will struggle with every day for the rest of her life.

The dynamic that a diagnosis of Autism adds to a R can be enough to push even the strongest of M’s apart. Now add to my M the fact that slowly over the last 8 years, the age difference has become more and more of an issue and I suddenly feel like we’re two strangers living in the same house. We have none of the little things in common that it would take to simply be friends in the first place. Our childhood experiences are from different decades. Our music tastes are on opposite ends of the spectrum, and forget trying to find a move that we would both want to sit through. We have no common interests or hobbies, which at first was ok because we thought that it was great that we were secure enough in our R to peruse separate interests, but now is just one more thing that is causing us to drift apart.

I've changed a LOT and grown so much as a woman in the last 8 years. In addition to being a working mother of a special needs child, I went back to night school to finish university and I’ve advanced in my career. He's in exactly the same place emotionally he was on the day we met. DH isn't at all interested in any new personal growth or change. He has had the same job for the last 20 years and couldn’t care less if he retires doing exactly what he’s doing today. Recent talk of a promotion at work when his senior colleague retires next year nearly gave him a panic attack. When I asked him if he could be happy doing exactly what he’s doing today, 20 years from now, he actually said he hopes that he is.

I wish I had known at the time that never fighting was a symptom of a bad R or that the real reason we could always reach an easy conclusion was because DH is desperately afraid of confrontation. I’ve tried to talk to him over the years about how I feel or what I need in order to be happy but he always shuts down. Eventually I gave up trying. It's become apparent to me that I’ve simply outgrown him as a person.

I want so badly to leave DH but I’m so dependent on the benefits I get from being with him and he really is a caring Father, even if his interactions with DD are slightly awkward. He cooks, he cleans, does laundry & dishes. He provides the second income that is needed to maintain our lifestyle and he really does love everything about our life and me. Just like with his job, he’d be perfectly happy if things never change from the way they are today. I also don’t have the heart to take DD away from him or deny DD the love and stability of a two-parent home.

So, fast forward from the day of Diagnosis 2 years ago to today and I'm in an A with a MM that I work with. (Different departments at opposite ends of a huge corporate building - rarely actually see one another during the course of a day).
It started the same as most A's, as a friendship with common interests and common enemy's around the office. We’d go for lunch a couple of times a month as a group and always had tons of fun. Soon, we discovered that we're the same age and we have similar backgrounds and we started spending more time together, just the two of us. Things made the jump from office buddies to an EA a year and a half ago and then eventually escalated to a new, physical level about 6 months ago. Every day that goes by, AP and I are getting closer and closer and DH and I are drifting further and further apart.

I’m at a point now where I know that I am holding myself back as a person until I make a decision about my life. Simply put, I have 2 choices. I can end the A and put all of my effort into really working on my R with DH, or I can leave. If I leave, it won’t be for my AP. We could very well end up together one day, as I really believe that AP and I were the ones that were made for each other. No, when I leave, it will be because I know I’m finally strong enough to be a working, single mother of a special needs child. I just have to figure out how or where to get that strength…

If you’re still with me at this point, thank you for letting me get this off my chest. I do feel so much better having put some thought into writing this. Thanks!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2007
Fri, 07-17-2009 - 2:21am

hi smok,


welcome to the board. i am an 'old timer', no longer in ea/pa, so i am


not currently invovled with anyone.


i also have a special needs child, now 12, not quite the same as you,


he has physical health concerns, that with any luck will not be a real


issue for him for several years, although some things have began to


change with that within the past year.


anyway, yes, a child, particularly one with special needs, can be a huge


thing in a r. you sound very much on track for yourself, and i


have no doubt that having a special needs child has added to your


motivation and wanting to be able to provide for her future.


the emotional distance with your h will continue to push you toward


ap, but having a mm ap complicates it much more.


having been a sw involved with mm, the not being able to have


what i wanted was huge for me. as a mw, you are doing the right


things for yourself to move forward to secure your future.


that will make it easier for you to leave dh, if you get to


that point.


having your mm ap in the picture, i am sure part of you would


like for him to leave his w to be with you to ease a transition


from leaving dh.


what are mm's thoughts on his m and what are his plans - is he


happy with

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2009
Fri, 07-17-2009 - 8:10am

You clearly have your head on your shoulders but you're putting yourself in a precarious position.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2009
Fri, 07-17-2009 - 3:07pm

Smok,


Your post made me cry.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2009
Fri, 07-17-2009 - 7:35pm

Me again! I'll try to keep it shorter this time. =)

Survivor - You asked for more info about my AP.
I can't say for certain I know what his plans are because we've never really discussed our future together. We've both said that we're unhappy and that we wished we were strong enough to leave our current M's. I'd like to believe that there's more to our R than just being a side dish for one another. I guess the way I see it, if he and I have any real chance of being together, I need to be able to end my M because I've gotten to the point where being alone would be better than being with DH. I don't want to make a huge life altering decision based on emotional attachment to AP. If things could go wrong for my M that started under the best of circumstances, a R with AP is just going to have the odds stacked even higher against it.

btdtbd44 - I really appreciate your frankness. Part of the reason why I came here is because I have nobody in my life that I trust enough to talk about this stuff with. I definitely have some issues to sort out and I'm at the point were I'm over thinking things and I don't want to cloud my judgments. Having a 3rd party perspective is exactly what I'm looking for!
You're right, he has no idea how unhappy I am. DH and I are both on vacation this upcoming week - DD will be going to day camp still, and I plan to have some serious conversations with him. I gave up years ago trying to talk to him about anything serious because he's hyper-sensitive to criticism, no matter how small. He just tunes me out. He's always thinking about what he's going to say next and never actually hears what I have to say. And it's not just when we're discussing uncomfortable things, it's in everyday conversation.
I think he wants to hear what I have to say but he's just too concerned about what he's going to say next and how it'll be judged. Instead of hearing what I have to say, processing it, then formulating his response, that he's too focused on forming his next sentence that's on topic, but not really taking things and deeper than that.
Before my M, I used to love to get together with my 2 best friends and we'd discuss and debate and wax poetic and there would be times where we would disagree to extremes on topics and it didn't make any of us think any less of one another. If anything, we found a deeper respect and understanding for one another and it brought us all closer.
It's that connection that I need the most from DH and I'll never be able to have that. He's just not wired for it. It doesn't make him a bad person, if anything he's overly doting and attentive in other ways. I knew early on that DH wasn't exactly what I was looking for in this area, but I figured that it was only because he'd never had the opportunity to have a meaningful conversation with somebody he trusts without being judged or criticized for his opinions. (My FIL is a real piece of work).
I hoped that over time, he'd realize that I respected his opinion and he'd trust me and open up to me and and possibly to a new aspect of himself. He simply never been able to overcome whatever it is that makes him so concerned about what somebody else thinks of him.
So predictably, AP fills this void for me. It's the being able to connect with a person again, over things more important than who's turn it is to do whatever or yadda, yadda, yadda that brought us together as friends in the first place and it's what's brought us both to the point where we are today. We've both agreed that this deeper connection is what were lacking the most with our M's.
The hard question here really is, "is this reason enough for me to give up everything I have?"

Song - I would love to email privately - just don't know how to send you my email address...?? Can somebody help me please? =)

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2007
Fri, 07-17-2009 - 8:49pm

hi smok,


i have been there, too...being single with a child with


special needs is not an easy task, however, i certainly


understand where you feel you would be better


off without dh. i left and have been single mom


for 10 years. in my position, i was the bread winner


in the situation and that made it easier for me, no one


else involved, just my choice that we would be better off...


the difficult parts as i see it is that ap provides you with


emotional support at this stage, which is great, however,


the questions you might want to ask yourself are,


would you be ok to be on your own with your child


without the current emotional support that you get


from ap. if that part were gone, can you say you could


continue on with your plans sans that support...


iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2009
Mon, 07-20-2009 - 11:41am

-Deleted for privacy




Edited 7/22/2009 3:22 pm ET by song4me
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2009
Tue, 07-21-2009 - 8:23am
I think you'll be the only one who sees this? If it works, let me know and I'll send you my email address. We have a lot we can talk about!
SMoK
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2007
Tue, 07-21-2009 - 2:48pm

Smok -


everyone can see your posts on the board - so don't put your email address in a post.


The way to email members on the board is - go into Board Settings (it's a link at the top of this screen) - and the last option on that list is Member to Member email.

lightning in my heart

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2007
Tue, 07-21-2009 - 5:20pm

Seven years ago, I could have written your post. I do not have a special needs child, however I had a husband and two children. My ex husband is 13 years my senior, and everything you wrote, I could say about my relationship with my H. I grew, he was done growing and I didn't realize that would be the case when we married. He was a bit of an "everything will be FINE" type of father/husband as well. And, of course, after I felt I had tried everything I could I found myself in an A.

The bottom line is that you are responsible for your choices. Whatever they will be in the future. We can all tell you to end the A now or end your M. But when you are in the thick of it, it just is not that simple. We can all tell you our horror stories, but likely until something changes for you, they will have little impact. This is normal. Just know that you do have the ability to CHOOSE. In fact, you make choices everyday. If you are truly unhappy then you are responsible for changing that. Maybe you think your A is making you happier than you were. On some level, short term, it probably is. But in the long run it won't solve your marital problems.

Just remember that you do have options. Don't stay for the "benefits" sometimes the benefits of being on your own are outstanding too. I learned that. Sure it was scary, but I did it and am a better person for it.

Good luck.

Oh, and I will echo Tgr....please don't post personal information. Trust me when I tell you that there is a lot of traffic on this board even if not a lot of posting.

~Shadowz
~Shadowz
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2009
Wed, 07-22-2009 - 7:03pm

Back with an update. =)

I've had the first conversation with H about how I feel and what I expect to change in order for me to be happy. I didn't go into to too much detail and I didn't get much from him response wise but he is making an effort which tells me that some of my words must have hit home. The really hard part is I've realized that I've already made my mind up to leave so now I feel 10x worse for making him think that if he tries real hard, everything will be ok. No matter how hard he tries, I've already decided that I want out. It just seems so unfair that in order for me to be happy, I'm going to break somebody's heart. But, if I stay, I'll never be here 100%.

Update on AP too... He knows H and I are on vacation this week and that I've planned on having some hard discussions with DH. At first he took it to mean that I want to end the A and that I've decided to work on my M. I basically told him that it's more like I'm laying the ground work now so that I can get out with less mess. I don't want to blind side H and like it or not, with DD in the picture, I'll always have to maintain some relationship with H. This seemed to have taken him by surprise, I think deep down he never thought that I'd leave my H. I made it clear that I don't expect him to leave his W for me (they have no kids btw) and that if he chooses to leave, it should be because he feels he'd be better of alone than with her. We're going to take the rest of the week to sort ourselves out and mull things over. We'll be NC until Monday.

So, those of you who have left - how did you finally get over the guilt of putting yourselves first? What was it that made you strong enough to get over being afraid of hurting somebody else in order to be happy?

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