Confession of a MW - My story.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2009
Confession of a MW - My story.
13
Thu, 07-16-2009 - 10:59pm

OMG – Sorry this is so long…! Once I started typing, I just couldn’t stop.

My H and I have been M for 8 yrs now. We have 1 DD (5 yro) with special needs. Until DD was diagnosed 2 years ago I thought that DH and I would end up dancing the funky chicken together at our 50th wedding anniversary. We have an age difference of 13 years. We married when I was in my mid 20's and he was in his late 30's.

At first I thought it was fantastic that he was older. He was mature, patient, knowledgeable, confident... all off the benefits that age can bring and all of the things that I was looking for in a H and future father of my children. We had an amazing first few years together as a couple before our DD came along and I used to brag to my girlfriends how we NEVER fought. Initially I thought, “Wow, what an easy going, laid back guy.” What more could an easy going and laid back girl want? Together we built a storybook life and were the envy of all of our friends. People would literally tell us we were made for each other.

Things changed slightly with the arrival of DD, but what M doesn’t when the R dynamic goes from 2 to 3? For the first time in our R, we would snap at each other, over petty stupid things like how much soap to put in the baby bath or who’s turn it was to let the cat in. I chalked it up to new parent jitters and a lack of sleep. Within the first 3 months it became clear to me that DD was going to have some special needs and that’s when things really started to change with the R. I was so worried about DD, but DH was in denial about the situation. I needed somebody to share my concerns with, but he didn’t want to see the reality. If I voiced my opinion, he said I was just being a nervous new mother. I gave up trying to talk to him, or anybody about it. Finally, after 3 years of worry, we had a diagnosis of Autism. I knew all along (I’m a google queen) but it hit him hard. He refused to believe it and now 2 years after the diagnosis he still says things like, “she’ll be fine” or “she’ll outgrow this.” I’ve done the research, I know what we’re facing and every time he says this, a little piece of me dies inside because I know deep down, it’s just not true. She’ll improve no doubt, but she’ll never out grow it. This is a life long condition and something she will struggle with every day for the rest of her life.

The dynamic that a diagnosis of Autism adds to a R can be enough to push even the strongest of M’s apart. Now add to my M the fact that slowly over the last 8 years, the age difference has become more and more of an issue and I suddenly feel like we’re two strangers living in the same house. We have none of the little things in common that it would take to simply be friends in the first place. Our childhood experiences are from different decades. Our music tastes are on opposite ends of the spectrum, and forget trying to find a move that we would both want to sit through. We have no common interests or hobbies, which at first was ok because we thought that it was great that we were secure enough in our R to peruse separate interests, but now is just one more thing that is causing us to drift apart.

I've changed a LOT and grown so much as a woman in the last 8 years. In addition to being a working mother of a special needs child, I went back to night school to finish university and I’ve advanced in my career. He's in exactly the same place emotionally he was on the day we met. DH isn't at all interested in any new personal growth or change. He has had the same job for the last 20 years and couldn’t care less if he retires doing exactly what he’s doing today. Recent talk of a promotion at work when his senior colleague retires next year nearly gave him a panic attack. When I asked him if he could be happy doing exactly what he’s doing today, 20 years from now, he actually said he hopes that he is.

I wish I had known at the time that never fighting was a symptom of a bad R or that the real reason we could always reach an easy conclusion was because DH is desperately afraid of confrontation. I’ve tried to talk to him over the years about how I feel or what I need in order to be happy but he always shuts down. Eventually I gave up trying. It's become apparent to me that I’ve simply outgrown him as a person.

I want so badly to leave DH but I’m so dependent on the benefits I get from being with him and he really is a caring Father, even if his interactions with DD are slightly awkward. He cooks, he cleans, does laundry & dishes. He provides the second income that is needed to maintain our lifestyle and he really does love everything about our life and me. Just like with his job, he’d be perfectly happy if things never change from the way they are today. I also don’t have the heart to take DD away from him or deny DD the love and stability of a two-parent home.

So, fast forward from the day of Diagnosis 2 years ago to today and I'm in an A with a MM that I work with. (Different departments at opposite ends of a huge corporate building - rarely actually see one another during the course of a day).
It started the same as most A's, as a friendship with common interests and common enemy's around the office. We’d go for lunch a couple of times a month as a group and always had tons of fun. Soon, we discovered that we're the same age and we have similar backgrounds and we started spending more time together, just the two of us. Things made the jump from office buddies to an EA a year and a half ago and then eventually escalated to a new, physical level about 6 months ago. Every day that goes by, AP and I are getting closer and closer and DH and I are drifting further and further apart.

I’m at a point now where I know that I am holding myself back as a person until I make a decision about my life. Simply put, I have 2 choices. I can end the A and put all of my effort into really working on my R with DH, or I can leave. If I leave, it won’t be for my AP. We could very well end up together one day, as I really believe that AP and I were the ones that were made for each other. No, when I leave, it will be because I know I’m finally strong enough to be a working, single mother of a special needs child. I just have to figure out how or where to get that strength…

If you’re still with me at this point, thank you for letting me get this off my chest. I do feel so much better having put some thought into writing this. Thanks!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2009
Wed, 08-05-2009 - 10:57pm

So a few weeks have gone by now and I'm just as messed up as ever...

1st week back at work was intense. AP and I couldn't get enough time together. I've never accidentally bumped into him around the office as often as I did last week. By the end of the week, we just had to have "Lunch". Maybe it's just in my head, but it seemed different to me this time. I also feel like from that moment until now, things have been different with us. I think I've realized that as close as we are and as great of friends as we'll always be, it really is all just about the sex for him. Something catastrophic would have to happen in his R in order for him to leave his W. He's just not motivated enough to go through the heart ache and effort needed to leave her - can't say I blame him really.

H and I were making an effort, for a few days, maybe a week. We eventually fell back into our old routine. I don't think either of us has the will to sustain the effort needed to make any significant changes in our R.

So, now I'm not strong enough to end an A that I know is going to eventually blow up in my face and I'm not motivated enough to put the effort in to rebuilding my M with my H.

I have two lousy R's on my hands and no clue what to do next. =(

P.S. Song - I've allowed personal messages now so please feel free to msg me. I'd love to hear more from you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2008
Thu, 08-06-2009 - 2:37am

hi smok, I had to reply to your post. I totally understand where you are comming

"be yourself, disguise not, for your a truly unique beautiful being"


iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2007
Thu, 08-06-2009 - 9:57am

First of all, I sympathize with your struggles.

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