Conflicted

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2004
Conflicted
48
Sat, 03-27-2004 - 7:31pm
I was conflicted over posting here - mostly because it seems like most of the wymyn who are posting here are having affairs with married men; sometimes married themselves, but having affairs with married men.

My story is a little bit different; but I really need advice, so I am kind of hoping someone will not judge too harshly and help out.

I met the man "everyone should marry" when I was 18 - I had a crush on him, and certainly didn't mind dating him, but never really fell deeply in love with him. I loved him - if love means care deeply about, and have always been a friend to him. And I found him attractive. But none of that knock-you-on-your-ass passion. I just kind of figured I was incapable. So, when I was 22 and he asked, I married him.

He has treated me very well - sometimes he hasn't been as emotionally supportive as I desired, but all in all, he's a very "good husband" who loves me more than anything in the world and would never cheat or leave. About a year and a half (almost two years, I suppose) after we were married - I did fall in love.

With someone else. At first, he was a smart, funny guy and a good friend that I could turn to when I couldn't rely on other people - there was a major life tragedy I had that he had some experience with. We were "just buds" though - or so we thought, I suppose, because in hindsight that we were falling in love is very obvious. Anyhow, we used to go out and watch NFL games and talk - he was a visiting student at my Ph.D. program for a semester. I suppose I had a crush - but I've had a lot of crushes, and this person 1) lived 3000 miles away normally 2) respected my marriage 3) wasn't interested in a relationship, 4) was six years older than me, and 5) smoked.

When he moved back east, we talked on the phone a lot . . . with a little flirtation, but really just great conversations. We emailed all the time - our intellectual and personal interests just flowed so well. I found myself thinking about him in that way - getting jealous when he said he had dates, thinking that I wanted to be with him - but I thought it was still just the crush thing. I should have known, though, when I told him I was separated (which was a lie) I was subconciously looking for something more.

Three months later, a major disappointment happened to him, and I found myself inviting him to "meet halfway" for a weekend. We spent an amazing weekend "halfway" - the sexual compatibility was nice, but the amazing romance was even nicer. We met up again a month later - all the time, my spouse knew about it, but just thought it was a casual-thing-with-a-friend. The second weekend, it became clear that it was much more than casual - and that we were very deeply in love.

I chose not to share that fact, though - half in denial, a quarter thinking it would just crash and burn, and another quarter thinking I just might get away with it. We met up again - this time it wasn't perfect - it was even better - he had flaws but I (a very intolerant person of such things) didn't mind them. We spent almost two weeks together, and I had trouble leaving. The spouse still didn't voice disapproval, and the affair still didn't know I was still involved with the spouse.

After a couple of more visits, spouse realized I loved this guy - and demanded it end. I couldn't though, so I lied. My spouse was going to spend the spring semester away, and it was November (almost a year into this), so I figured I would get away with it until then. Which was going well, until I found out that I was pregnant - by the affair (the spouse had a vasectomy, because, for medical reasons, I cannot have children, and I hated the alternative so much . . . ). Needless to say, I became an emotional roller coaster, and decided I had to see the affair after . . .

So I told the spouse I was going on a long drive to "find myself" and I flew to the other side of the country to see the affair - who was an amazing comfort. The affair proposed to me very romantically - instead of saying "I'm married to someone else" I said "yes" (because I really, really wanted to and I'm an idiot). I met his family - who are the amazing actually-true-story-book-still-in-love-after-35-years-and-love me type - and he announced our engagement.

I flew back home, packed the spouse up for a semester away, and invited the affair to my home - and we had another amazing week together. The pressure of lying to the spouse was getting to me, however - and the next month, when I went to visit the affair, I told the spouse, and told him I would make a decision about whether or not to be with him "within the next 24 hours" -

A little more background: the affair is having a rough year, and that was a rough week for us, and I am not sure about the affair's "stability" and I was scared of being the bad girl who got divorced at 25 - and the spouse cried on the phone and said he'd do anything for me - and I felt guilty and scared, and I do care about the spouse - so I said yes, I'd dump the affair for good. And I almost did - while the affair was at work, I packed my bags and got a flight, but couldn't do it because I love him more than anything. So I spent another week with him (and another) without the spouse's knowledge.

The spouse is back home for the first time in three months - and I am jumping out of my skin. Mostly because I don't feel that way about him - but a little bit because I am attracted to him.

The affair and I have plans to move in - I probably need to decide if I am going to make good on it in the next week or so. Its hard to leave someone who is everything every womyn thinks they should be with - who is madly in love with me and didn't do anything wrong. But the problem is he loves me like I love the affair - :(. But the affair is nowhere near "ideal" as a person - he did quit smoking for me, but he's in his 30s, at the beginning of his career, . . .

Help?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Sat, 03-27-2004 - 8:38pm


So what type of help are you looking for?

Why do you call these to men the spouse and the affair, seems rather dehumanizing and a bit detached?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2004
Sat, 03-27-2004 - 8:49pm
I call them the spouse and the affair because I didn't want to put "personal details" up - and "the spouse" as opposed to "the husband" because I am a feminist who doesn't like gendered terms - it made me uncomfortable writing it like that, but it seemed more humyn than the abbreviations - and it seemed worth writing, even if I couldn't be personal.

I need help choosing. I can't decide - and I've been in a place where I "know all the info" and can't decide for three or four months now. But I need to . . .

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2004
Sat, 03-27-2004 - 9:00pm


I'm sorry, but I'm confused, too. Does the man you're having an affair with know you're still married? Think you're separated? Think you're divorced?

If you're seriously thinking about making a life with him, you have to find a way to come completely clean with him. Real relationships thrive on honesty and trust. Don't panic if it takes a while to build it...you're talking about a lifetime here, and you want to start it off right.

That goes the same if you decide you want to stay with your husband, BTW. You've landed yourself in a mess, but if you'll take a deep breath and be honest with yourself, you probably already know what you need and really want to do with your life.

Good luck, and let us know how we can help.



Cazrida

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2004
Sat, 03-27-2004 - 10:04pm
I know I need to be honest, etc. I realize that part - and for the record, the affair thinks that the divorce is almost final, and the spouse thinks the affair is over.

Actually, an attempt to be completely honest with myself keeps going every which way - mostly, not because I don't know how I feel - I generally do - I care about the spouse a lot, but more as a friend (I mean, I'm attracted to him, but not in love with him). And I am deeply and passionately in love with the affair - but have some lingering doubts about the feasibility of the relationship. Still, I've never felt this way before.

So do you choose stability and someone you trust to love you forever - or someone you love like that? That's the choice I can't make. And even when I make the choice (I really have a couple of times) - I can't act on it - I just get paralyzed.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2004
Sat, 03-27-2004 - 10:29pm
OK...I'm a feminist too, but I still beleive a hubby is a hubby and the other man is the other man...

Are you still pregnant?

So the other man is just starting his career...that's a good thing...

But if you have doubts about him, I suggest that you DO separate from the hubby and separate from the other man, too...

Get YOUR stuff together and THEN decide what you want...

~Laurie~



iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2004
Sat, 03-27-2004 - 10:37pm
"spouse" as opposed to "husband" just meants to me he doesn't get to do the "husband" things like be controlling . . .

no, I'm not still pregnant (I thought the "medically incapable" part might have cleared that up, but sorry if I was unclear)

my doubts about "the affair" who in my more fantastic days I actually call "my fiance" - they are about his organization, and about his financial solubility - I don't even know if those are things I should be doubting . . .

my doubts are mainly about being the sort of person who would divorce someone for no good reason - (my parents have been divorced a total of nine times) - but that's denial, because right now, either way I would be breaking a serious commitment, now - I've made two commitments, and I can keep one (at most). But I can't pick which one - and when I do pick one, I can't tell the other - I just become incapable :(

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2004
Sat, 03-27-2004 - 10:48pm
IACD,

I don't even think you can begin to contemplate a future with your affair partner until you come clean with him about the real status of your marriage. That is a HUGE secret you are keeping from him, and he has every right to feel betrayed, lied to, what have you once he finds out. It's quite possible that he would have chosen to never have gotten so deeply involved with you had he known what was really going on at your end. He's introduced you to his family and asked you to marry him, and you have a huge lie between you! You took away his choice, and that is not fair to him. Not to mention that I don't think he'll be too pleased to know that you're still waffling on your decision whether or not to even leave your marriage, even after accepting his proposal.

I say this to you because I don't think you WILL be able to make a decision while you have so many secrets weighing you down. You say you love them both in your own way--well right now you're lying to both. At least one of them needs to know the truth! Perhaps that will make your decision for you...

The truth sets you free, remember that. I wish you the best, and we'll be here for you no matter what you decide.

RWM

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2004
Sat, 03-27-2004 - 10:57pm
Thanks for the support -

So the confession to the spouse: about a month ago, that I was still waffling . . . the answer "cool, if you stop" -

The confession to the affair: about a month ago as well (several months after the proposal) . . . the answer "cool, if you stop" -

oversimplifying, but you get the idea

the only reason I lied after that was to spare feelings - but essentially, my dishonesty doesn't seem to have disuaded either of them from being interested in spending the rest of their lives with me . . .

I figured the fessing up would take care of the decision, but . . . apparently, not so much. Maybe doing it again would - but that seems kind of pointless.

I kind of wish the secrets made me feel guilty enough to be paralyzed out of making a decision - but really the decisions are the only thing that paralyze me -

I suppose this might be a little too much background, but I never had a mother - and right now I feel like that is what I need - telling me what I ought to do . . . :(

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2004
Sat, 03-27-2004 - 11:10pm


((((HUGS))))

I know what that feels like. It *stinks*. :(

Do you want kids? Who would you like to be their father?

You know, when I first started seeing MM, I had a choice between him and a wonderful, gentle, giving man whom I _knew_ would be a good friend to me and a wonderful step-father for my girls.

MM literally stole my heart. Do I regret it? Not yet, though I might at some point. MM is my best friend, just totally different from Guy No. 1. MM is all *Alpha*, so if we can finally put this all together, he'll make a wonderful husband and Dad. Plus, he makes me tingle. ::grins::

ahem. The point is that the first man would have been a far "safer" choice, but I would always have wondered and ached for my Querido. I obviously chose to go with the man who makes me breathless...and then gives me back the air I need, scented with his love.

I can't give you the answers you're looking for. Only you can, and you know that, too. But we're all here, and if you want to rant, cry, or just talk it through, we're here and we care.



Cazrida

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2004
Sat, 03-27-2004 - 11:10pm
Okay, I've read this entire thread and I feel the need to comment after that last post. It seems to me you're waiting for one or the other guy to run away. Like you're afraid to make a decision so you're hoping someone else makes it for you. I understand your fear, believe me. I'm ending an 8 year marriage with one child and another on the way. But I'm doing it for the right reasons and I'm doing the best way I know how. I never knew I had the strength in me it has taken to get this far. But now that I'm here, I feel better about myself than I ever have. I think you need to stand up, make a decision and believe in it. It won't be easy. Odds are it will be the most difficult thing you've ever done. But you owe it to yourself and to these two men. I've recommended this before and I'm going to do it again. Buy the book "Too Good To Leave, Too Bad To Stay" by Mira Kirschenbaum. It is about ending relationship ambivalence and I think it would do you a world of good. I also recommend counseling. These two things combined to help me see that ending my marriage was the right thing for me. That has helped me have the confidence and strength to face my fears. Don't get me wrong, I still have doubts. I still get scared. But ultimately I know that even if I were to do what you're doing now and straddle the fence, all that will happen is I'll end up having to jump off later. I choose to do the difficult thing now because I owe it to myself and my W. And I hope to build a R with my OW also. But I'm under no illusions that it will be happily ever after. It will take work and even then it may not last. But I believe in taking chances for love. If you only go for what is "safe", you may miss out on something truly special. You say you're a feminist, well if that is the case, this man's career status or financial standing should be irrelevant to you. Are you looking for a relationship with a man or his career and money? Sorry to sound harsh, but that statement kind of surprised me. I wish you luck and happiness. And strength.

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