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| Sat, 03-27-2004 - 7:31pm |
My story is a little bit different; but I really need advice, so I am kind of hoping someone will not judge too harshly and help out.
I met the man "everyone should marry" when I was 18 - I had a crush on him, and certainly didn't mind dating him, but never really fell deeply in love with him. I loved him - if love means care deeply about, and have always been a friend to him. And I found him attractive. But none of that knock-you-on-your-ass passion. I just kind of figured I was incapable. So, when I was 22 and he asked, I married him.
He has treated me very well - sometimes he hasn't been as emotionally supportive as I desired, but all in all, he's a very "good husband" who loves me more than anything in the world and would never cheat or leave. About a year and a half (almost two years, I suppose) after we were married - I did fall in love.
With someone else. At first, he was a smart, funny guy and a good friend that I could turn to when I couldn't rely on other people - there was a major life tragedy I had that he had some experience with. We were "just buds" though - or so we thought, I suppose, because in hindsight that we were falling in love is very obvious. Anyhow, we used to go out and watch NFL games and talk - he was a visiting student at my Ph.D. program for a semester. I suppose I had a crush - but I've had a lot of crushes, and this person 1) lived 3000 miles away normally 2) respected my marriage 3) wasn't interested in a relationship, 4) was six years older than me, and 5) smoked.
When he moved back east, we talked on the phone a lot . . . with a little flirtation, but really just great conversations. We emailed all the time - our intellectual and personal interests just flowed so well. I found myself thinking about him in that way - getting jealous when he said he had dates, thinking that I wanted to be with him - but I thought it was still just the crush thing. I should have known, though, when I told him I was separated (which was a lie) I was subconciously looking for something more.
Three months later, a major disappointment happened to him, and I found myself inviting him to "meet halfway" for a weekend. We spent an amazing weekend "halfway" - the sexual compatibility was nice, but the amazing romance was even nicer. We met up again a month later - all the time, my spouse knew about it, but just thought it was a casual-thing-with-a-friend. The second weekend, it became clear that it was much more than casual - and that we were very deeply in love.
I chose not to share that fact, though - half in denial, a quarter thinking it would just crash and burn, and another quarter thinking I just might get away with it. We met up again - this time it wasn't perfect - it was even better - he had flaws but I (a very intolerant person of such things) didn't mind them. We spent almost two weeks together, and I had trouble leaving. The spouse still didn't voice disapproval, and the affair still didn't know I was still involved with the spouse.
After a couple of more visits, spouse realized I loved this guy - and demanded it end. I couldn't though, so I lied. My spouse was going to spend the spring semester away, and it was November (almost a year into this), so I figured I would get away with it until then. Which was going well, until I found out that I was pregnant - by the affair (the spouse had a vasectomy, because, for medical reasons, I cannot have children, and I hated the alternative so much . . . ). Needless to say, I became an emotional roller coaster, and decided I had to see the affair after . . .
So I told the spouse I was going on a long drive to "find myself" and I flew to the other side of the country to see the affair - who was an amazing comfort. The affair proposed to me very romantically - instead of saying "I'm married to someone else" I said "yes" (because I really, really wanted to and I'm an idiot). I met his family - who are the amazing actually-true-story-book-still-in-love-after-35-years-and-love me type - and he announced our engagement.
I flew back home, packed the spouse up for a semester away, and invited the affair to my home - and we had another amazing week together. The pressure of lying to the spouse was getting to me, however - and the next month, when I went to visit the affair, I told the spouse, and told him I would make a decision about whether or not to be with him "within the next 24 hours" -
A little more background: the affair is having a rough year, and that was a rough week for us, and I am not sure about the affair's "stability" and I was scared of being the bad girl who got divorced at 25 - and the spouse cried on the phone and said he'd do anything for me - and I felt guilty and scared, and I do care about the spouse - so I said yes, I'd dump the affair for good. And I almost did - while the affair was at work, I packed my bags and got a flight, but couldn't do it because I love him more than anything. So I spent another week with him (and another) without the spouse's knowledge.
The spouse is back home for the first time in three months - and I am jumping out of my skin. Mostly because I don't feel that way about him - but a little bit because I am attracted to him.
The affair and I have plans to move in - I probably need to decide if I am going to make good on it in the next week or so. Its hard to leave someone who is everything every womyn thinks they should be with - who is madly in love with me and didn't do anything wrong. But the problem is he loves me like I love the affair - :(. But the affair is nowhere near "ideal" as a person - he did quit smoking for me, but he's in his 30s, at the beginning of his career, . . .
Help?

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Addendum: Adoption....Lord, Sometimes, I leave out important words...
I am not looking for a relationship with his money - but his 6-figure debt would make anyone nervous. Why him being 30-something and just starting a career makes me nervous is that I am very successful and very driven - and when he was my age he was in his 7th year as an undergrad doing a lot of partying. Its a compatibility concern - while the difference seems to be decreasing (he is getting more driven, partly through knowing me) - it is still stark. I did my Ph.D. in three years, he's in his 4th an nowhere close to being done . . .
I very much would have prefered someone to make the decision for me, but right now I desperately want to make it myself - I just cannot figure it out. I don't know the right reasons, I don't know the wrong one - as I said, this is the first time in my life (yea, yea, I'm only 25) that I've felt the lack of a mother for moral guidance. I suspect that, had I had that moral guidance, I would not have married my spouse to begin with. But I did, and the question of what to do now . . . that one isn't as easy.
Sure, taking chances for love is good - but there might be a limit to that. I suppose my question of limit is that I have political ambition - and for a womyn, a divorce pretty much kills that. And some days I fall on one side, some days on the other. And its not like I dislike the man I am married to . . .
I guess what attracts me to the "safe" option is that I have no kids, and no parents, and nothing stable . . . but that doesn't scare me as much as the guilt of dumping the "safe" person that didn't do anything bad . . .
I do have two career options next year - one at location of spouse, one at location of the affair (literally thousands of miles apart) - but neither really draws me enough to make a choice . . .
I admire your courage - how did you let down the one that didn't do anything bad?
But the question is - knowing (or even not exactly knowing) what it is I gave up - can I?
But the deeper question is - should I settle for being "happy" and a good person? Or go for the butterflies and the exhuberance?
I told him the truth. I love him, but I love him as a friend and it wouldn't be fair to him. He deserves the chance to be loved by someone who will adore him.
What a tragedy it would be for him to awaken and realize that he had given his life to me, and I could never give him all the love he wants, needs and deserves!
I've been incredibly lucky to keep him as a friend. (Both men know each other, BTW. We had some tense moments, and occasionally still do. I've told them both that I won't tolerate the macho show, and on the whole, they've been pretty good about the whole thing.)
As far as your career goes, I see your point. Now you're getting down to the kind of choice that really hurts. Do you stay with the man who will further your career? Do you risk losing your career and resenting the man you gave it up for? Or do you risk going into the political arena, and stay with your husband. What if you don't succeed in your career and you don't have love, either?
I will say that if you handle it correctly, one divorce will probably *not* ruin your political chances. But you need to keep your husband as your friend and on your side. And you probably need to take a break and give your fiance the word that its important to be low key for a while. (Which isn't a bad idea, anyway. If you decide to take that road, you need to do some prep work and healing, yourself.) Since there are no children involved, the voters will be more lenient...and with over fifty percent of all marriages ending in divorce, your base is more ready for those changes than you think.
(BTW, I'm a conservative Republican, so I'm probably in the block that would tend to be the harshest judges...)
Cazrida
Although at one time it may have been a major one, that has changed so much in the past era...
(trying to pull a few out of my hat here...)
All I can think about are ones that are from my state...Minnesota...
Joan Growe...Secretary of State for Minn...ran for Senate here...that was never brought up as a campaign issue...
Patty Anderson...current state auditor...divorced...
I think now with the current political climate, the only way you wouldn't be considered for a candidacy is if you are a lesbian and getting a divorce from your "domestic partnership"...
If you think you're gonna have the balls to be a politician, you should have enough balls to decide which...if EITHER...of these men you want...
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