Conflicted

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2004
Conflicted
48
Sat, 03-27-2004 - 7:31pm
I was conflicted over posting here - mostly because it seems like most of the wymyn who are posting here are having affairs with married men; sometimes married themselves, but having affairs with married men.

My story is a little bit different; but I really need advice, so I am kind of hoping someone will not judge too harshly and help out.

I met the man "everyone should marry" when I was 18 - I had a crush on him, and certainly didn't mind dating him, but never really fell deeply in love with him. I loved him - if love means care deeply about, and have always been a friend to him. And I found him attractive. But none of that knock-you-on-your-ass passion. I just kind of figured I was incapable. So, when I was 22 and he asked, I married him.

He has treated me very well - sometimes he hasn't been as emotionally supportive as I desired, but all in all, he's a very "good husband" who loves me more than anything in the world and would never cheat or leave. About a year and a half (almost two years, I suppose) after we were married - I did fall in love.

With someone else. At first, he was a smart, funny guy and a good friend that I could turn to when I couldn't rely on other people - there was a major life tragedy I had that he had some experience with. We were "just buds" though - or so we thought, I suppose, because in hindsight that we were falling in love is very obvious. Anyhow, we used to go out and watch NFL games and talk - he was a visiting student at my Ph.D. program for a semester. I suppose I had a crush - but I've had a lot of crushes, and this person 1) lived 3000 miles away normally 2) respected my marriage 3) wasn't interested in a relationship, 4) was six years older than me, and 5) smoked.

When he moved back east, we talked on the phone a lot . . . with a little flirtation, but really just great conversations. We emailed all the time - our intellectual and personal interests just flowed so well. I found myself thinking about him in that way - getting jealous when he said he had dates, thinking that I wanted to be with him - but I thought it was still just the crush thing. I should have known, though, when I told him I was separated (which was a lie) I was subconciously looking for something more.

Three months later, a major disappointment happened to him, and I found myself inviting him to "meet halfway" for a weekend. We spent an amazing weekend "halfway" - the sexual compatibility was nice, but the amazing romance was even nicer. We met up again a month later - all the time, my spouse knew about it, but just thought it was a casual-thing-with-a-friend. The second weekend, it became clear that it was much more than casual - and that we were very deeply in love.

I chose not to share that fact, though - half in denial, a quarter thinking it would just crash and burn, and another quarter thinking I just might get away with it. We met up again - this time it wasn't perfect - it was even better - he had flaws but I (a very intolerant person of such things) didn't mind them. We spent almost two weeks together, and I had trouble leaving. The spouse still didn't voice disapproval, and the affair still didn't know I was still involved with the spouse.

After a couple of more visits, spouse realized I loved this guy - and demanded it end. I couldn't though, so I lied. My spouse was going to spend the spring semester away, and it was November (almost a year into this), so I figured I would get away with it until then. Which was going well, until I found out that I was pregnant - by the affair (the spouse had a vasectomy, because, for medical reasons, I cannot have children, and I hated the alternative so much . . . ). Needless to say, I became an emotional roller coaster, and decided I had to see the affair after . . .

So I told the spouse I was going on a long drive to "find myself" and I flew to the other side of the country to see the affair - who was an amazing comfort. The affair proposed to me very romantically - instead of saying "I'm married to someone else" I said "yes" (because I really, really wanted to and I'm an idiot). I met his family - who are the amazing actually-true-story-book-still-in-love-after-35-years-and-love me type - and he announced our engagement.

I flew back home, packed the spouse up for a semester away, and invited the affair to my home - and we had another amazing week together. The pressure of lying to the spouse was getting to me, however - and the next month, when I went to visit the affair, I told the spouse, and told him I would make a decision about whether or not to be with him "within the next 24 hours" -

A little more background: the affair is having a rough year, and that was a rough week for us, and I am not sure about the affair's "stability" and I was scared of being the bad girl who got divorced at 25 - and the spouse cried on the phone and said he'd do anything for me - and I felt guilty and scared, and I do care about the spouse - so I said yes, I'd dump the affair for good. And I almost did - while the affair was at work, I packed my bags and got a flight, but couldn't do it because I love him more than anything. So I spent another week with him (and another) without the spouse's knowledge.

The spouse is back home for the first time in three months - and I am jumping out of my skin. Mostly because I don't feel that way about him - but a little bit because I am attracted to him.

The affair and I have plans to move in - I probably need to decide if I am going to make good on it in the next week or so. Its hard to leave someone who is everything every womyn thinks they should be with - who is madly in love with me and didn't do anything wrong. But the problem is he loves me like I love the affair - :(. But the affair is nowhere near "ideal" as a person - he did quit smoking for me, but he's in his 30s, at the beginning of his career, . . .

Help?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2004
Sun, 03-28-2004 - 1:21pm


You want a decision tree, but I suspect you've already done one. You've been wandering around on the branches and checking to see how far you could fall.

Here's the advice I give my daughters:

Shoot For The Stars!!! Its the only way you'll _ever_ reach them. And when you fall, pick yourself up, fix it, and Shoot For The Stars!!! Its _still_ the only way you'll _ever_ reach them!

((((HUGS))))



Cazrida

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Sun, 03-28-2004 - 3:49pm
daze, I am still confused by your posts, but welcome aboard anyway. I hope when I find the time I can read thru your posts again and understand it. I think you are waffling here between two men. You need to decide which way you want to go and cut your losses. Good luck on the decision. And keep posting...
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-19-2004
Sun, 03-28-2004 - 9:53pm
Daze,

I don't know much about your husband but when you mentioned your other guy having a 6 figure debt in his 30s and you having a PhD before 25 and having it done in 3 years and all the political consciousness that you have at this young age....it spelled....INCOMPATIBILITY....down the road between the two of you. You might have all the butterflies in your stomach now with the romantic relationship but I think later down the road once your husband gets out of the picture, the intrigue settles down and you and your affair start living together facing life and its every day scenarios...you and your affair will not be a compatible match at least from the responsibility and financial point of view. And believe me you will hate him for it. Now this doesn't mean you stay in your marriage forever if you think that the romance never existed but maybe you should take a break from your husband (after having kicked the irresponsible OM out...sorry) and analyzing that whether truly the romance never existed or that the affair clouded your memory...and once you know for sure that you are not able to re-energize the romance with your husband...then kick him out too...and wait for the guy who has the romance and the financial responsibility.

PG

PS. People need to be equals in order to have a great relationship....this means equality in affection, emotion, sexuality, etc etc and YES in how responsible one is towards their life responsibilities which includes finances, education, goals. One can be a feminist, in love and still require that the guy be financially secure not because one has any eye on his money but because he shouldnt be bumming around and relying on your money.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2004
Sun, 03-28-2004 - 9:59pm
Brilliant post philly. I agree with every word.

I'm not sure she can dispose of these men so easily, but your sentiment and reasoning are dead on. Compatibility is too often overlooked in favor of love or romance. And from what I've read, I'm not sure she is truly compatible with either of these men. But it would truly be a mistake to leave her H for this OM who so clearly is someone she doesn't seem to fit with. Tough to hear, but honest.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2004
Sun, 03-28-2004 - 10:01pm
Well, after 2 semesters of just a Community College, I now have $7,000 in school loans...

I don't think this man is a deadbeat, I think he's been in school and has a pile of loans from that...

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-19-2004
Sun, 03-28-2004 - 10:08pm
omaha...pheewww...glad didn't get a beating from you this time :) and that you agree.

PG

PS. Btw are you East Indian or of that heritage? Just out of curosity.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-19-2004
Sun, 03-28-2004 - 10:15pm
He may not be a dead beat or he could be considering the fact that he is having "6" figure loans in his 30s but in either case...he doesn't seem to be the over achieving, more than the average smart person that daze seems to be so YES they do seem incompatible responsibility wise. I am 34, have a PhD, studied in the most expensive schools with scholarships, research assitantships and campus jobs just because I NEVER wanted to have a loan. Could I survive with a man who is in his 30s and has 6 figure debts....NO WAY, could another woman who doesn't care this much about financial responsibility survive with such a guy...MAYBE.

The way daze sounds...it sounds once the love fever for her has stablized the 'financial irresponsibilty" issue would be a major issue of contention with her too.

PG

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2004
Mon, 03-29-2004 - 9:31am
No need to worry about getting attacked by me philly. I'm not the attacking type. I only get that way when I'm backed into a corner. :)

Actually I am not of East Indian heritage. I am of primarily German heritage and I was born and raised here in the Midwest U.S.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Mon, 03-29-2004 - 10:03am
What is a East Indian Heritage? Somebody who traded with the East India Company, hahaha ???
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2004
Mon, 03-29-2004 - 10:48am
In his defense, about the debt thing - it is seven years of undergrad school and four years (out of six or seven) into his Ph.D. program.