Conflicted

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2004
Conflicted
48
Sat, 03-27-2004 - 7:31pm
I was conflicted over posting here - mostly because it seems like most of the wymyn who are posting here are having affairs with married men; sometimes married themselves, but having affairs with married men.

My story is a little bit different; but I really need advice, so I am kind of hoping someone will not judge too harshly and help out.

I met the man "everyone should marry" when I was 18 - I had a crush on him, and certainly didn't mind dating him, but never really fell deeply in love with him. I loved him - if love means care deeply about, and have always been a friend to him. And I found him attractive. But none of that knock-you-on-your-ass passion. I just kind of figured I was incapable. So, when I was 22 and he asked, I married him.

He has treated me very well - sometimes he hasn't been as emotionally supportive as I desired, but all in all, he's a very "good husband" who loves me more than anything in the world and would never cheat or leave. About a year and a half (almost two years, I suppose) after we were married - I did fall in love.

With someone else. At first, he was a smart, funny guy and a good friend that I could turn to when I couldn't rely on other people - there was a major life tragedy I had that he had some experience with. We were "just buds" though - or so we thought, I suppose, because in hindsight that we were falling in love is very obvious. Anyhow, we used to go out and watch NFL games and talk - he was a visiting student at my Ph.D. program for a semester. I suppose I had a crush - but I've had a lot of crushes, and this person 1) lived 3000 miles away normally 2) respected my marriage 3) wasn't interested in a relationship, 4) was six years older than me, and 5) smoked.

When he moved back east, we talked on the phone a lot . . . with a little flirtation, but really just great conversations. We emailed all the time - our intellectual and personal interests just flowed so well. I found myself thinking about him in that way - getting jealous when he said he had dates, thinking that I wanted to be with him - but I thought it was still just the crush thing. I should have known, though, when I told him I was separated (which was a lie) I was subconciously looking for something more.

Three months later, a major disappointment happened to him, and I found myself inviting him to "meet halfway" for a weekend. We spent an amazing weekend "halfway" - the sexual compatibility was nice, but the amazing romance was even nicer. We met up again a month later - all the time, my spouse knew about it, but just thought it was a casual-thing-with-a-friend. The second weekend, it became clear that it was much more than casual - and that we were very deeply in love.

I chose not to share that fact, though - half in denial, a quarter thinking it would just crash and burn, and another quarter thinking I just might get away with it. We met up again - this time it wasn't perfect - it was even better - he had flaws but I (a very intolerant person of such things) didn't mind them. We spent almost two weeks together, and I had trouble leaving. The spouse still didn't voice disapproval, and the affair still didn't know I was still involved with the spouse.

After a couple of more visits, spouse realized I loved this guy - and demanded it end. I couldn't though, so I lied. My spouse was going to spend the spring semester away, and it was November (almost a year into this), so I figured I would get away with it until then. Which was going well, until I found out that I was pregnant - by the affair (the spouse had a vasectomy, because, for medical reasons, I cannot have children, and I hated the alternative so much . . . ). Needless to say, I became an emotional roller coaster, and decided I had to see the affair after . . .

So I told the spouse I was going on a long drive to "find myself" and I flew to the other side of the country to see the affair - who was an amazing comfort. The affair proposed to me very romantically - instead of saying "I'm married to someone else" I said "yes" (because I really, really wanted to and I'm an idiot). I met his family - who are the amazing actually-true-story-book-still-in-love-after-35-years-and-love me type - and he announced our engagement.

I flew back home, packed the spouse up for a semester away, and invited the affair to my home - and we had another amazing week together. The pressure of lying to the spouse was getting to me, however - and the next month, when I went to visit the affair, I told the spouse, and told him I would make a decision about whether or not to be with him "within the next 24 hours" -

A little more background: the affair is having a rough year, and that was a rough week for us, and I am not sure about the affair's "stability" and I was scared of being the bad girl who got divorced at 25 - and the spouse cried on the phone and said he'd do anything for me - and I felt guilty and scared, and I do care about the spouse - so I said yes, I'd dump the affair for good. And I almost did - while the affair was at work, I packed my bags and got a flight, but couldn't do it because I love him more than anything. So I spent another week with him (and another) without the spouse's knowledge.

The spouse is back home for the first time in three months - and I am jumping out of my skin. Mostly because I don't feel that way about him - but a little bit because I am attracted to him.

The affair and I have plans to move in - I probably need to decide if I am going to make good on it in the next week or so. Its hard to leave someone who is everything every womyn thinks they should be with - who is madly in love with me and didn't do anything wrong. But the problem is he loves me like I love the affair - :(. But the affair is nowhere near "ideal" as a person - he did quit smoking for me, but he's in his 30s, at the beginning of his career, . . .

Help?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2004
Mon, 03-29-2004 - 11:02am
So, yea, I know the financial irresponsibility thing will be a major issue of contention - but we all have issues of contention with people that we love. The affair and I have quite a couple of these - when we get angry, he wants to walk away and cool down and I want to fight; the financial differences; I'm an eternal optimist, he's a pessimist; I'm hyperorganized, he loses stuff (apparently you can't curse on this board) all the time - but I don't mind those things so much in him as I do in other people (who I can't stand those things in).

And my spouse and I don't have those problems - he's ambitious, he's financially competent, he's cooperative (read: often my bytch), he's cheerful - and nonetheless I hate living with him because I am in love with someone else (and because his perfection irritates me, and because I don't love him like that, and because he's often emotionally distant) . . .

My spouse has lived across the country for three months, and I've been living alone/with the affair - my spouse is back now, and up to date, and desparate to save us (and such a sweetheart) - but I am dying under the pressure to feel something I don't. Its almost like I could stand to be with him - if he didn't demand that I feel the way he does. But when he does - - - I go insane!

But I feel guilty for it too :(. It is coming down to the wire - this is a decision I have to make in the next day or two :(. And you know how I keep saying the argument goes on in my head? Well, now it is going on on a message board.

Thanks for your support, - and if anyone has more words of wisdom, I'd love to hear them - this is a lifesaver, and I need to choose.

BTW, buck, thanks for sending your phone number - I'd call, 'cept the spouse doesn't feel like privacy is something I merit (he thinks I am editing my disseration right now) - I even had to tell the affair I was out of the country :(. God, I miss him so much. SO much. I find myself checking the sports scores he likes . . . silly, huh? But I also don't mind my spouse too much - and have been with him (literally) since we were kids . . .

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2004
Mon, 03-29-2004 - 11:31am
Oh what a tangled web...

Daze, you are in such a web here, how do you keep up with it?

You really need to come clean with the other guy...you might not HAVE to make a choice once you're finally honest with him...

Honesty is such a part of my relationship with my MM, I just can't see the deception that's going on with yours...

Good luck, sweety, I think you're going to need it...and because of all the deception, I have a feeling you won't have a choice soon...both men might be gone...

~Laurie~

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Mon, 03-29-2004 - 11:41am
You are the epitome of a feminist. hahahaha.

Bytch is a Bitch, wymyn is women, hubby is a spouse...

You crack me up! You'll be a good politician...

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2004
Mon, 03-29-2004 - 11:51am
You have managed to completely confuse your situation. For someone as educated as yourself I am quite perplexed by your ability to cause such a mess with your personal life. The fact that you are concerened with a political career while lying to two individuals that you profess care and love for is quite alarming and a tad emotionally undeveloped if you ask me. I will apologize for being harsh right now and please feel free to quit reading now- but my honest opinion? You would have had no trouble making a decision about your husband if you hadn't pushed yourself into a decision with time constraints. You are unhappy and incompatible emotionally with him. Get out of the relationship and seek counseling immediately. You would have no trouble making a decision about your OM if you hadn't pushed yourself into a decision with time constraints. You are feeling uncertainty and personal/ future goals incompatibility with him. Get out of the relationship and seek counseling immediately. You are going to drive yourself into making a decision simply because you have overloaded your life with too many lies- everything is completely clouded and there isn't a chance that you will come out on top anymore unless you completely remove yourself from all of it. Grow up, quit lying, and find yourself with some good professional help.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2004
Mon, 03-29-2004 - 11:53am
I only spelled bitch that way because it censored another curseword - and I figured it would censor that one . . .

womyn (singular), wymyn (plural), humyn, and humynitarian are political spelling choices I make . . .

And I think that the "spouse" thing is important - it means that I am not the things that "wives" are traditionally cast as.

As per the dishonesty thing, now its wanton - I fessed up to both of them after having been dishonest for more than a year, and the spouse promised to shape up and the affair proposed. I can only assume that an "updated" confession (updated only a couple of weeks) would provoke annoyance as the strongest result. In fact, I would be surprised if I was actually fooling anyone. I wish my dishonesty had made the decision for me - then I wouldn't be having to choose between two people who are truly remarkable - and then I'd know how to do it. Sadly, neither condition happened :( - and now I am extremely fortunate - to be loved unconditionally by two people who are each amazing in their own ways - and extremely bad - because I will have to hurt one of them very very badly.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Mon, 03-29-2004 - 11:56am
I agree. You spyn your words well. Pardon the pun. *grin*
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2004
Mon, 03-29-2004 - 12:02pm
Harsh, but probably (at least partly) true - but not the way you think.

I would have no trouble making a decision about my spouse if there weren't the affair - I knew the limitations of my marriage when I got into it and I made a calculated decision about my willingness to live with those limitations; and six years into the relationship, I was satisfied with the choice. Were it not for the feeling of having fallen in love with someone else, the choice of my marriage would have been easy, and I would have stayed in it, with no regrets. But then I'd never been (and determined to never be) in love.

I think I would have a little more trouble making decisions about the affair if I had been single when I met him - we would have gotten involved more quickly and more carelessly, which probably would have made the emotional bond less deep. Also, I wold have had to confront his weaknesses as potential parts of a relationship instead of as excuses not to leave my husband for him. I don't know in the end if the depth of my love for him would outweigh the practical doubts I have - I suspect that they would - because obviously it made me make some really impractical decisions already.

My spouse loves me as deeply as I love the affair; the affair loves me that way too. The reason I brought up my career aspirations was because I keep looking for a decision-rule - and I cannot find one. I figured something future-oriented might be better.

I came on this board admitting I'd made a lot of mistakes - I am not denying that now. Just looking for the right answers out.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2004
Mon, 03-29-2004 - 12:26pm
Well now- that was a very carefully worded and well thought out response. I suspect coming to this board has really forced you to think through some things. In fact I might even caution you against overthinking things. You are a few steps ahead of yourself on some things. You have asked the greatest debate of all time- Is true love enough?? Do we find our life long partners in someone we are secure and content with or do we strive for something bigger than ourselves and a life of passion?

I'll be the first to admit that I am still a student of life and have only come to one conclusion on this debate- simply, it depends on what is more important to you. Are you a passionate person who constantly strives for more from life? If so, you will only doom yourself to a life of lonliness and disquieting unhappiness by staying with your husband. As time goes on you will build resentment towards him out of regret and slowly deteriorate that relationship. However, if you are a person that has a very real need for calm and security, you want to feel safe and protected, you will end up in the same boat after choosing a life with the OM. You will become insecure and unhappy and slowly build resentment towards him out of regret.

Either way- I still stand by my original recommendation of immediate counseling with a professional. Overeducated imidviduals tend to overanalyze their emotions and needs into immobility. It doesn't matter WHY we feel the way we do or what has happened in our past to put us here. The only thing that matters if we are to grow as individuals is to recognize that we are behaving in a certain way, decide if it is a positive or negative contribution to who we want to be and then either change it or accept it for what it is.

I hope you can find some peace in this situation and know it will be very difficult for everyone involved no matter what the outcome. Try not to lose yourself in all the shuffle.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2004
Mon, 03-29-2004 - 12:34pm
Wow. I continue to feel like you're talking in circles here. I mean I respect some of what you are saying, but I think you're missing some big signs here. Reread this paragraph:

"I would have no trouble making a decision about my spouse if there weren't the affair - I knew the limitations of my marriage when I got into it and I made a calculated decision about my willingness to live with those limitations; and six years into the relationship, I was satisfied with the choice. Were it not for the feeling of having fallen in love with someone else, the choice of my marriage would have been easy, and I would have stayed in it, with no regrets. But then I'd never been (and determined to never be) in love."

How in the world can you type this and feel like your marriage is even remotely salvageable? You don't love him. You never have loved him. I'll be the first to admit that a marriage needs more than love to work. You need compatiblility and communication and you have to work everyday on it. But without love, you're destined to fail because that is the bond that keeps you together in bad times. To say you would have stayed in your marriage had you not fallen in love with someone else is a cop out. Not to mention the fact that what you're doing is so unfair to your H. He deserves to be with someone who loves him the way he loves you. You must let him go. Forget your potential career and your own selfish desires to be "comfortable". You owe it to him to move on and let him move on also.

"I think I would have a little more trouble making decisions about the affair if I had been single when I met him - we would have gotten involved more quickly and more carelessly, which probably would have made the emotional bond less deep. Also, I wold have had to confront his weaknesses as potential parts of a relationship instead of as excuses not to leave my husband for him. I don't know in the end if the depth of my love for him would outweigh the practical doubts I have - I suspect that they would - because obviously it made me make some really impractical decisions already."

This is like a mirror image. You love him but you're not really compatible with him in any way. As I said above, love isn't enough. All the differences that right now seem like just things you guys need to work on will eventually cause deep rifts in your R. The fact that you can look at your R with him now and realize that your feelings wouldn't be as strong had it not started as an A is a huge red flag. How can you not see this?? If you leave your M and dive into a R with this other man, I predict you'll be back here in a few years wondering why it didn't work and possibly even why you're having an A with someone you're more compatible with.

There is no such thing as a decision rule. And you asked for advice but you seem to be avoiding what most people here are saying. I suspect that is because it is the most frightening of the scenarios. Neither of these men seem to be right for you and I think you need to take some time and sort out your priorities before you dive into another R. I'm glad you've discovered how wonderful love can be. But you need to also realize that for M, you need much more than love.

I'm not trying to be critical of any past mistakes you have made. Hell, we've all made those. I'm trying to help you see that rather than trying to decide between A and B, you need to go with C - None of the above. I think the reason you are waffling so much is because in your heart you know neither of these R's have the potential to be life long commitments.

And by all means...get some help! Go to counseling immediately! You need the sounding board that would provide and as I said, it will help you work through your own issues and make sure your next R is the right kind. I know it has done that for me. Good luck.


iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Mon, 03-29-2004 - 12:39pm
Now you all have lost me. Too much for my mind, its spinning in circles...lol