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| Sat, 03-27-2004 - 7:31pm |
My story is a little bit different; but I really need advice, so I am kind of hoping someone will not judge too harshly and help out.
I met the man "everyone should marry" when I was 18 - I had a crush on him, and certainly didn't mind dating him, but never really fell deeply in love with him. I loved him - if love means care deeply about, and have always been a friend to him. And I found him attractive. But none of that knock-you-on-your-ass passion. I just kind of figured I was incapable. So, when I was 22 and he asked, I married him.
He has treated me very well - sometimes he hasn't been as emotionally supportive as I desired, but all in all, he's a very "good husband" who loves me more than anything in the world and would never cheat or leave. About a year and a half (almost two years, I suppose) after we were married - I did fall in love.
With someone else. At first, he was a smart, funny guy and a good friend that I could turn to when I couldn't rely on other people - there was a major life tragedy I had that he had some experience with. We were "just buds" though - or so we thought, I suppose, because in hindsight that we were falling in love is very obvious. Anyhow, we used to go out and watch NFL games and talk - he was a visiting student at my Ph.D. program for a semester. I suppose I had a crush - but I've had a lot of crushes, and this person 1) lived 3000 miles away normally 2) respected my marriage 3) wasn't interested in a relationship, 4) was six years older than me, and 5) smoked.
When he moved back east, we talked on the phone a lot . . . with a little flirtation, but really just great conversations. We emailed all the time - our intellectual and personal interests just flowed so well. I found myself thinking about him in that way - getting jealous when he said he had dates, thinking that I wanted to be with him - but I thought it was still just the crush thing. I should have known, though, when I told him I was separated (which was a lie) I was subconciously looking for something more.
Three months later, a major disappointment happened to him, and I found myself inviting him to "meet halfway" for a weekend. We spent an amazing weekend "halfway" - the sexual compatibility was nice, but the amazing romance was even nicer. We met up again a month later - all the time, my spouse knew about it, but just thought it was a casual-thing-with-a-friend. The second weekend, it became clear that it was much more than casual - and that we were very deeply in love.
I chose not to share that fact, though - half in denial, a quarter thinking it would just crash and burn, and another quarter thinking I just might get away with it. We met up again - this time it wasn't perfect - it was even better - he had flaws but I (a very intolerant person of such things) didn't mind them. We spent almost two weeks together, and I had trouble leaving. The spouse still didn't voice disapproval, and the affair still didn't know I was still involved with the spouse.
After a couple of more visits, spouse realized I loved this guy - and demanded it end. I couldn't though, so I lied. My spouse was going to spend the spring semester away, and it was November (almost a year into this), so I figured I would get away with it until then. Which was going well, until I found out that I was pregnant - by the affair (the spouse had a vasectomy, because, for medical reasons, I cannot have children, and I hated the alternative so much . . . ). Needless to say, I became an emotional roller coaster, and decided I had to see the affair after . . .
So I told the spouse I was going on a long drive to "find myself" and I flew to the other side of the country to see the affair - who was an amazing comfort. The affair proposed to me very romantically - instead of saying "I'm married to someone else" I said "yes" (because I really, really wanted to and I'm an idiot). I met his family - who are the amazing actually-true-story-book-still-in-love-after-35-years-and-love me type - and he announced our engagement.
I flew back home, packed the spouse up for a semester away, and invited the affair to my home - and we had another amazing week together. The pressure of lying to the spouse was getting to me, however - and the next month, when I went to visit the affair, I told the spouse, and told him I would make a decision about whether or not to be with him "within the next 24 hours" -
A little more background: the affair is having a rough year, and that was a rough week for us, and I am not sure about the affair's "stability" and I was scared of being the bad girl who got divorced at 25 - and the spouse cried on the phone and said he'd do anything for me - and I felt guilty and scared, and I do care about the spouse - so I said yes, I'd dump the affair for good. And I almost did - while the affair was at work, I packed my bags and got a flight, but couldn't do it because I love him more than anything. So I spent another week with him (and another) without the spouse's knowledge.
The spouse is back home for the first time in three months - and I am jumping out of my skin. Mostly because I don't feel that way about him - but a little bit because I am attracted to him.
The affair and I have plans to move in - I probably need to decide if I am going to make good on it in the next week or so. Its hard to leave someone who is everything every womyn thinks they should be with - who is madly in love with me and didn't do anything wrong. But the problem is he loves me like I love the affair - :(. But the affair is nowhere near "ideal" as a person - he did quit smoking for me, but he's in his 30s, at the beginning of his career, . . .
Help?

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I suppose that I know that my doubts about the affair are enough to mean not marrying him - at least not marrying him until we have had the opportunity to live on the same side of the country - if not together.
I'm also fully aware that I married my husband for the wrong reasons - but I also like him a lot, and we've weathered a lot - and maybe marriages need love, but maybe all they need is a deep care for the other person, which is there.
I don't want to be alone - I don't like the idea, and I don't like the practice. I've been living alone for the last three months, and its okay, but I much prefer to have someone around. That said, my spouse being back is a little creepy. But maybe its just not being used to it.
Maybe I should get professional help - and its my weakness that I cannot - my weakness because of some childhood trauma with a court-appointed psychiatrist - but weakness nonetheless. And what is a shrink going to tell me that I don't already know? I've done something bad - I'd like to choose between apples and oranges without rejecting either, and I shouldn't really be choosing either. I get that. But getting that, I realize that I am humyn, and weak, and am going to want one or the other around - and that they are different, so it matters which one I pick. Weighing the values of friendship, previous commitment, and love - that's where I have the problem.
And I don't need a shrink for that - I need a friend, or a mother, or a religion or something silly like that. Or a coin. Oops - I promised I wouldn't be caustic about this. Sorry :(
I found this entire discussion riveting. I haven't been on here for a few days and I feel like I have been missing out...
You are so clearly an extremely intelligent womyn (I like that spelling), and I feel for the conflict you are experiencing. But in reading through the entire discussion it also is very clear that you know what decision needs to be made.
I am so sorry that you had bad experiences with counseling in your past, but I think that those bad experiences are part of the reason you would so benefit from counseling now. It sounds as if there is a lot of stuff that you have dealt with in your past. You have obviously dealt with your difficulties well and evidently focused all of that negativity into working hard and making the most of yourself...a PHD at 25 is impressive (and without debt too?...). At some point you are going to have to look inside yourself and let yourself heal and become complete on your own. Neither one of these men is your answer -- you are your answer. You are capable of taking care of yourself, but you are going to need to really get to know yourself first. And that will require some help. There are lots and lots of therapists out there -- meet with as many as it takes to find someone that you are comfortable and compatable with. Put both of these men on hold until you are able to figure out who you really are and what you really need. You may finally reach a definitive conclusion of which one you should be with, or learn that neither is the answer.
Good luck to you.
But how many of us would be here if we were any good at doing what it was we ought to do?
If I were going on oughts - I ought not have married my spouse (or maybe even dated him), I ought not have looked outside of my marriage for love and support, I ought not have fallen in love with someone else, I ought not have slept with him, and I ought not have committed to him while still being committed to my spouse. And I ought to have fixed all of that months ago.
But I didn't - out of weakness - the same weakness that will probably stop me from getting counseling. I am not looking for someone to complete me - yes, I'd rather live with someone than be single - but it is more for the perks than the emotional security - I am looking for someone to be with - I don't know if that dichotomy makes any sense?
Your dichotomy does make complete sense. And I am sure it makes sense to everyone in this message group. We are all living that dicotomy to one degree or another.
Your story just really struck a chord with me and I see you as so bright and young that there is no reason for you not to fix things and resolve your situation.
I, of course, should be listening to my own advice as well and trying to figure out just what is going on with me. It is just easier to lie to my (completely faithful, loving, adoring) H in order to sneak out to see my 29 year old, sexy, student OM (I am 36 and have two young children). I do know that OM is like every guy I ever dated before I met my H -- sexy, bad boy type. H was like no one I had ever met -- sophisticated, handsome, responsible, hard-working, nice, adored me...I love him still but find that I am increasingly bored by his "adoring niceness". Self-reflection can be painful and being bad just feels good.
update 1: I am feeling less creeped out by being around the spouse, but the thought of having sex with him still feels like cheating on the affair (and I've never really believed in sexual monogamy; I was convinced I could sleep with the spouse as "just sex" and not sweat it)
update 2: found out that the affair, though he tells me that he could pay half of the rent on the places that we are looking at together, still hasn't paid the $150 difference between the sublet on his apartment and the rent for the last two months (he lives with his parents now to save money)
update 3: it has been more than a year since I have gone a day without talking to the affair once (usually three or four times to the tune of an hour or two a day) - and the last couple of days since my spouse is in town and I am "out of the country" we've only talked twice in four days. God, I miss him so much I break up when I hear his voice.
update 4: this is a piece of info I left out of the original story, but the spouse's angry rants have reminded me is a consequential detail (though I don't know where to place it). The spouse, who is 24, has known all along of my medical inability to have kids. I felt like it was important to make sure that the whole terminating a pregnancy thing never had to happen - I suggested we look for a permanent birth control method. He had a vasectomy for that reason. I didn't do it for any insidious reasons - I thought we were going to last, and it was logical - and he said he wanted to adopt older kids too. Needless to say, when some doubts about our future came up - big temper tantrum. But I don't know - should I try harder to stay with him because of this? Or just admit I'm a big ass?
question 1: whose advice should I be paying attention to? There are no shrinks, no preachers, and no parents - and everyone else is every which way - mainly because I don't have a single friend who knows both guys (geographical proximity issues) and because my friends back home are really committed to marriage - however nasty it might be (Alabama). I am just looking for a sound voice, and, god knows, its not my own.
question 2: can divorce ever work out quickly and peacefully? spouse and I have certainly skirted around the question, but haven't ever dealt with it. should I offer to leave him all the stuff if I am leaving for all the wrong reasons? its not that I've decided - I am just thinking of it.
...they are reversible though. Expensive, but possible. His future as a father is not necessarily over if he ends up with someone else. I just have to ask, since it would be medically dangerous for you to carry a pregnancy, why didn't you have a tubal ligation?
As far as who's advice to listen to. Try to listen to your own. You say how hard it is to make it through the day without talking to OM, and can't stand your husband right now. Why don't you try to spend a couple days by yourself, where neither one knows where you are. Go to a B&B or a girlfriends or something and take some time to focus on what you are feeling. Uninterrupted, unenfluenced by their presence.
And about the sex with H thing...know what you mean. Mine was home for a couple of days, left again this morning and I couldn't stand the sight of him all weekend, and couldn't fathom letting him touch me...
i know i miss the other guy (horribly) but I am afraid its not a practical decision - and maybe I wouldn't hate my husband so much if I was getting over instead of still being involved with the other guy?
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