confused...

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anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
confused...
4
Mon, 08-13-2012 - 3:30am

Hi. I am new here and have heard great things from friends who have used this site. I am really confused right now about a situation that has occurred in my life over the last five years. I'll start at the beginning. I am married and I have two young children.

About four years ago, I met a gentleman at a event I attended. He was very friendly in a friendship way. In the evening of this event, I approached him and he asked "What can I do for you My Love?" It made me blush, but I was with my husband, so I felt flattered, but just went on.

I attended another event where he was, and he was much more flirty with me. He told me I had a pretty dress on, and eyed me up and down. Also, we had dinner with him and a bunch of other people, and he sat right beside me. He proceeded to talk to me, asking me why I wasn't eating. I was nervous around him I will admit, and there was several other attractive women at the table, but he focused primarily on me. I was pleased with his attention I will admit, but brushed it off as just being nice.

After this, there was an incident that occurred online, where I was mocked profusely. I went to another event where he was, and he approached me. He told he was disgusted about what had happened, and apologized profusely. He said it was disgusting about what had been said about me online, and then gave me a 15 second hug in front of my husband. He told me to e-mail him at his work, so I did. His girlfriend of the time responded, and was very bitchy with me. She told me I could find my resources somewhere else. I never received an e-mail from him directly. Also, this event we did a comedy routine together, but I had choose another guy to do it with. He stormed off and slammed the door to the room we were in. He came back, kicked his co-worker off stage, and proceeded to complete the comedy sketch with me. He gave me another hug. I was very flattered.

Then, I attended another event with my husband where he was, and I had dinner with one of his co-workers. We had a lovely dinner with steak and wine for two hours, and it was great. His co-worker went back and talked about how nice I was. The next day, this guy was beyond pissed. When his co-worker gave over to say he had a great time at dinner with us, he had an outburst, and looked really mad. He stormed away, and then came to sit beside me on a couch. He sat really close to me. I felt bad, and asked if he was mad at me. He said no, but I was embarrassed. That evening, out of the 300 people there, he found his way to my table again, and sat with my friends, husband and I for an hour. I didn't talk at all, but he was staring at me repeatedly, and I just talked to my husband.

I attended another event across the country, and didn't get a chance to speak with him. My husband and I had a fight in front of a lot of people, and he called me a b!tch. Anyways, after this event, I was upset. The man's best friend sent me an e-mail. I corresponded with his best friend for more than a year. He would send me Twitters (and his friend is in a committed relationship), and asked me out to four social gatherings. Twice, was on a cruise, without my husband that his best friend would be attending, once to a bar, and then to a dinner. I didn't go to any of the events, but never understood why his best friend kept telling me how amazing I was and how sweet I was, and was encouraging me to go on a vacation with them, without my husband. I have enough respect for my husband I didn't go to any of these events.

I went to another event where this man was, and I was pregnant at the time. I had a miscarriage shortly after, but my husband came on the road trip, but decided not to attend the dinner. He saw me leave the first part of his event, and in a line up to see him, he said "I saw you left, but now I know you were first in line to see me". I proceeded to go in and talk to him, and my friend C announced to him I was pregnant. He whispered to her and asked her how far along I was, and then she said, don't worry, it's not yours. He said, you never know, anything is possible. Then, he proceeded to ask me why I hadn't said hi to him at the previous event, and I just said I had to catch my flight. We had a lunch at this event, and I sat with my C and some other friends. He sat at another table, and then when another gentleman invited us to sit with him, we went over. Not within five seconds, did he come over to my table, and put out the chair right beside me. I am shy, so C carried the conversation with him, but then she informed him I wasn't coming to the evening event. He flipped out, and asked why I wasn't. I explained I had a family event to attend, and he was very upset, almost angry. He asked three times where my husband was, and kept looking at the door to see where he was. He then left the room. I was very surprised at his behaviour.

After this, my husband and I decided to attend a different event. He was going to be there, and it was a year later. During the day, he was nice, but at night, there was 500 people at the cocktail dinner, and dance. My husband and I decided we were going to have a great date night. Well, you can probably guess what happened next, he came over, and sat down right beside me out of the crowd of 500 people. I stood up to talk with him, and he was asking me a lot of personal questions. When he left, he put his hand on my arm, and said he would see me again soon. I have never had a man do this to me before. My husband and I dance for four hours, and he kept staring at us as we danced. My husband shot him the finger, and then we left soon after.

After this, I had my kids. I hadn't seen him for two years. No contact, nothing. So, when a party came up at my house, I invited him to it. He flew cross country to be there. He brought a gift for my child, and this is the first time he has been at my house. He was very observant. My husband greeted him outside, and he asked where his wife was. He proceeded in and gave me a hug. He glanced at my wedding picture on the wall, and asked how long we were married, and just stared at it for 5 minutes. It was uncomfortable. After this, he changed the subject, and the rest of family and friends arrived. He said my child was cute, and then went to sit with my grandmother for almost an hour and a half. He complimented my mother on the food she made, and only spoke to my best friend, me, my grandma, and my brother at the event.

I told him I would give him a tour of the house, and he came with me with my best friend. He checked everything out, complimented all the house features, and was interested in every picture I had my wall, every aspect of my life, my family, my job, everything. There wasn't nothing he didn't ask about or notice. When we went to the basement, he sat down, and ask me to join him on the couch. I sat with him, with my best friend, on the other side, and we got caught up. It was just friendly conversation, and then his driver arrived for him to go. He went outside and asked him to come back in an hour. He then told my husband he wanted to continue talking to me in the basement for an hour. Keep in mind, I had other guests here at the moment, but we never made it back downstairs.

Anyways, my husband approached him about whether he was still dating the girl who sent me the nasty e-mail, and he said no. He said he had a new girlfriend of five months, but it was nothing serious. He said they had issues, and he didn't see it going long term. He then told my husband he was looking for a special gem like me, and my husband was very fortunate to have me as his wife. He hoped my husband understood how lucky he was to have me. Anyways, so then when he came upstairs, he complimented on how well my children behaved, and he said that was because he had their loving and caring mother around them all the time. Anyways, he gave me a long hug when he left, and he only hugged my grandmother. I did not get a chance to continue our conversation in the basement.

So, my dad came up to the day after, and commented that he truly believes that if I was not with my husband, that this friend would want to date me. He could just see how much he liked me, and was attracted to me. My husband also commented on this too, but I assured him nothing would happen.

Anyways, so a few days ago, I sent a thank you card to his house, thanking him for coming to the party. It just said thanks for coming, and I thanked him for my kids gifts he brought. I thanked for being kind to my family, and nice to my grandmother. I also told him he was an interesting and kind person, and I enjoyed our chats over the last five years. I gave him my personal e-mail if he wanted to connect, as friends, and signed it from my husband, myself, and my kids.

The next day, I received a phone call from his friend, blasting me out for sending the letter. He told me to lose his address, and never to send him a letter again. My husband thinks his girlfriend found the letter and blasted him out. We also believe he did not tell her he was traveling to attend the party at my house.

I only sent the card because I was going off of what he had said and the way he acted at the events. I respect he has a girlfriend, and I am married, and just wanted to see he wanted to keep in touch from time to time. I am totally confused why he would be so angry I sent a thank you card to him with my e-mail. We have always a good reproire and it was just friendly. Now, I am wondering why he was angry I sent the thank you card. My friend and my husband think his girlfriend found him and yelled at him, asking who I was.

Anyways, based on everything I have said, do you think it was out of line to send the thank you card, I am so confused and hurt by the whole thing. I only sent it based off what has happened over the last four years.

I would love your advice. I only wanted to connect with him on a friends basis. What do you think

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2010
In reply to:
Mon, 08-13-2012 - 10:40am
I think you should drop him like a hot potato. It all sounds fishy and weird to me. Are you sure it is hos friend emailing you and not the gentleman himself?
~Sunny~
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2010
In reply to:
Mon, 08-13-2012 - 9:21pm

I'm not sure I understand the whole story, but yeah, he sounds like an odd bird.  I think it is very hypocritical of him to be so blatantly rude about his interest in you in front of your husband, but to flip out when you send a thank you letter.  The fact that he gets upset about you being around other guys is also really silly and immature, in my opinion.  He's not your partner, and he hasn't even made an actual move to be your lover in all these years.  I'd say firmly push him back into the friend-you-see-once-a-year zone and put any romantic notions of him to sleep for good.  If you are interested in having an A (and it sounds like you are, especially if you are here), there are many men out there who would be more willing, and who would treat you better.  Good luck!