Confused

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2008
Confused
3
Thu, 11-13-2008 - 10:34pm

I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for almost 7 years, living together for 4 years. We love each other, but have serious problems. We fight all the time, and I have lost all sexual desire for him. I don't want to have sex with him ever again, if possible. He's the opposite. I don't want to leave him because he is very dependent of me, and it breaks my heart to leave him like that, plus he's currently unemployed and kinda depressed. I love him, and I want to take care of him and make sure he has a good life, because I'm no longer physically attracted to him.


During our relationship I've flirted with a couple of guys, fantasized about two or three guys (classmates, etc.)


Lately I've been seeing a guy I had sex with before I started dating my boyfriend. I've been seeing him everywhere because he works in front of my school, and moved a couple of block from my house so he drives by my house several times a day. We've been flirting for about a month. He's hot, I admit I like the guy. The other day he stopped to talk to me and invited me to "hang out" (euphemism for sex, obviously). He said he would drive by my house at 4 p.m. on Thursday, and if I was waiting there, we would go somewhere. He's under the impression I'm single, because I don't go anywhere with my boyfriend because we fight all the time.


I thought about it and decided not to meet him. But later I saw him and he joked about it, and I know he will insist, and I don't know how much longer I can resist the temptation.


I will probably stay in this relationship forever, because I can't bring myself to leave my boyfriend all alone, friendless, jobless at 32. Also, he loves me so much, I know if I cheat or if I leave it will break his heart. My only hope is that he one day wants to break up. That would be great. But meanwhile, I am 22 years old and I am sexually dead. And I know that if I stay in this relationship I will eventually cheat.


I think that if I sleep with this guy, this probably won't even become an affair. It will probably be a one-time-only thing.


What should I do? Should I stay in celibacy or should I do what I want? Am I a bad person? Should I feel guilty?




Edited 11/13/2008 10:41 pm ET by virginia-anomaly


Edited 11/13/2008 10:43 pm ET by virginia-anomaly
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2008
In reply to: virginia_anomaly
Thu, 11-13-2008 - 11:52pm

"I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for almost 7 years, living together for 4 years."


".....

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2008
In reply to: virginia_anomaly
Fri, 11-14-2008 - 12:42am

Virginia.....


I admire your devotion to this man and his wellbeing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2008
In reply to: virginia_anomaly
Fri, 11-14-2008 - 1:58am

Hello Virginia.

I'm going to give you 'standard' advice. Do not sleep with the guy - the one time thing - it won't be. It doesn't work that way.

Now onto the other parts of your post which are far more concerning.

"I will probably stay in this relationship forever, because I can't bring myself to leave my boyfriend all alone, friendless, jobless at 32. "

Wow, you are unhappy in a relationship, you don't want sex with your b/f ever again and you're planning on being celibate forever and you're 22? Sorry sweetie - you are delusional, and I don't mean that unkindly. I'm 40 and the thought of never having sex again drives me completely insane. As a woman, your libido typically increases as you get older - think about the next year, five, ten in the relationship you are in - think about if you add kids. Can you see yourself happy at all?

As you started a relationship with this guy so young, you don't have a lot of experience, so you are unlikely to be really aware of how toxic this relationship is. Relationships are not easy, granted, but really, why are you staying? What you have told us is not love, it's guilt. You need to really look hard at this. The reasons you wrote that I quoted are not reasons to stay. These are things that are his responsibility, not yours. If he is friendless, you are not responsible for that. Why doesn't he have friends? If he is jobless, then it's up to him to change that. He's 32 - he isn't old. You are not his mother and not his keeper. Don't keep enabling him to use you, because this is what he is doing.

"Also, he loves me so much, I know if I cheat or if I leave it will break his heart. "

The reason you are thinking of cheating is because you aren't happy in your relationship. You have two real choices, fix the relationship or leave. Choosing to have an A, or even a ONS will not improve your relationship in any way. It will make it worse. Almost your entire post is about how your actions will affect your bf, not about what you want. Please get that straight in your head before you do something else. You are still very young, and I doubt you are with the right guy - all the reasons you have for staying are not part of a healthy, loving relationship. At this stage you are choosing to settle for what you have instead of going out and finding what you deserve. I understand. I got M at 19 to a violent, awful man because at the time I saw it as the only option. I was so very, very wrong.

Pisces


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