Confused

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-13-2008
Confused
3
Sun, 08-24-2008 - 2:04pm
Hi, I'm new here and can't believe this place actually exists! I have been with husband for over 20 years, married for 3. Recently not happy and went off the rails a bit. I got back in contact with an old flame, never really got over him to be honest. It was immediate for both of us. He isn't married or involved, said he never got over me n I am the reason he has never had a long term relationship and now this has to be IT! It was unbelievable, the passion and intensity, it was like we had to consume one another. Anyway, I told my H, obviously he was devasted. I hate what I have done to him but it was like an addiction. Anyway, 4 months down the line, the old flame is distinctly cool! Things aren't the same at all, my feelings havent changed but I see how selfish he is. He admits it and says he's used to being on his own n doesn't know if hye can compromise into a commited relationship. We still see each other but only once or twice a week. he's really backed off. The thing is do I want to lose my husband and best friend of over 20 years, my home and friends for a man like this? However when I confront new man and tell him it's not working he suddennly makes an effort again, when I'm full on he backs away, I'm so confused! Like we had made arrangements to talk about whether to finish for good last thursday, so I got to his n he took me out to our favourite bar then on to a restaurant, we had a great time n i stayed over. We then made arrangements to see each other today n then he texts me saying he's not well n not up for company, I offered to go round n look after him n cook for him but he said no. It's so frustrating! Any advice or help would be much appreciated! x
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-27-2007
In reply to: roadtoruin
Sun, 08-24-2008 - 2:57pm

You will hear from many people here - never leave your M for another man. Leave because you dont want to stay M any longer. Leave for you.


First, you're putting way too much pressure on the new man and the new relationship. You will both feel it, and you will resent each other. Second, you're giving the new man too much control. If he feels like you left a 20 yr M for him, then he may decide he's some pretty hot $hit and think he can put less into it. Sometimes they go the other way and really show you how much you mean to them that you would leave H for them, but it sounds like the new guy here is not doing that.


If you feel right now that you are giving up things that you aren't sure are worth losing, then they probably aren't. And new guy certainly doesn't seem to be worth it. He's unsure - he's doing you a favor by telling you that.


My advice is to reconsider your decision to leave your M, and figure out if the problems you had in your M are fixable. Let AP go - for now - until you can make that decision based on what YOU want. Once you decide on your M - independently of AP - then decide what to do about AP. But you can't fix an M while you're having an A. If you decide your M is not fixable, then leave it, but don't expect too much from AP - its a new relationship like any other, it may work out, it may not.


As to AP's behavior - I think he is showing you that he is not ready to commit - at least the way you want him to - and he is not comfortable with being the reason for your failed M. He works harder when you pull back because while he may not be certain, but he doesn't want to lose you until he is certain. He pulls back when you try harder because he can. For your R to work, you both need to be working at it the same amount otherwise you will always have these feelings of whether or not it was worth it.


But trust your instincts. If it feels like its not worth it, it probably isn't.


Good luck to you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-13-2008
In reply to: roadtoruin
Sun, 08-24-2008 - 3:10pm

Gosh, you're good!


that is pretty much what new man has said to me, he doesn't want to be the reason I leave H. He wishes I would come to him once I have 'sorted' things out. But then on the other hand I have meant so much to him for so long he doesn't want to just dump the R. He says that he had pretty much given up on Relationships before we got back in contact and that if he can't make it work with me it won't work with anybody.


You are very astute. I am so low at the moment, I am on my own, haven't talked to a soul for two days, and feel very down. It's just a help to talk things over with someone who isn't horrified with me as everyone else in my life is. I know I expect too much from new man, he tells me I have been in a relationship for most of my life and he hasn't, he's used to being on his own and he doesn't know whether he can change. Gosh it's all such a mess

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2008
In reply to: roadtoruin
Sun, 08-24-2008 - 7:12pm

Welcome to the board. Of course you're confused. You have got yourself into a very awkward situation. I repeat what you've already been told. Do not leave your M for your AP. Leave your M because you don't want to be M any more. The best an A can do is help make it clear that you are desperately unhappy and unfulfilled in your M and that you want/need more.

You've put a lot of pressure on your AP and it seems he's told you already he doesn't want to be the cause of your M breakup. That puts him in a difficult situation of having to live up to your expectations. Also, your AP has not been in LT relationships. Is he really capable of being in one? If he's spent all these years alone, does he know how to really share with another person? From what you have written, it sounds to me like he's had a really great time with you. You have been there when he wants some company but he hasn't had to put in all the effort that goes with being in a full blown R with you. This pulling away stuff that he's doing may just well be because he is quite happy to go on having you in his life on a part time basis. No responsibilities, KWIM?

I'd like to suggest you go to counselling to help you sort all this out. You need to do what is right for you. I didn't see if you said you had children. If you do, you'll need to consider what's best for them too.

I wish you luck.
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