confused

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2004
confused
8
Sun, 05-30-2004 - 7:18pm
It started out simply enough as innocent flirting among friends he's married I am not. I of course fall for the hero in him (he is a fireman). I babysit his two girls from time to time so I am at their house alot. Long story short this has been going on for 8 months we have ended it or at least tried twice now. The first time we called it quits was because he said he was beginning to have feelings for me. As much as I care for him and his girls I refuse to believe that. I know to much how much he cares for his wife as well. I know that seems hard to believe , but its true. To me he is an escape from reality. Its not the chase of getting to know someone. Of having to go through all the mind games. He knows me and he knows me well, or at least partially. At this point in our I guess you would call an Affair, we are at a stand still. Mainly because of me. I am back in Nursing School, his wife is having him work two jobs so she can cut back to part time.. so we dont get to see each other as much. But we do get to email. I guess my real question is , should I just let him go all together. The whole reason we got together in the first place was that we were both lonely. I didnt want a commitment, and he didnt want anything with strings attached and someone he could talk to. We have both made very best friends to each other and no matter what happens I dont see that changing. I dont know I am just confused I dont know where to go from here. I do care for him. Some of you that have been there tell me what you think. thanks the mistress
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2003
In reply to: ithemistress
Sun, 05-30-2004 - 8:14pm
As contradictory as this may seem, my advice is this...when at all possible, one should probably choose NOT to be in an affair rather than be in one. If you don't have deep feelings yet, and particularly if the friendship would remain anyway, I say walk away now before it gets really hard. Have you thought about the possibility that he's getting off on the rush of doing something illicit, something 'on the edge' that would be very dramatic if found out? He's a fireman after all, he's gotta get into the adrenalin of his life. You say he cares for his wife, but affairs rarely happen in a vacuum, so there's probably stuff going on that you don't know about. Is he older than you? Making an assumption here, since you say you watch his kids, though it doesn't automatically follow, of course. Be aware that there is frequently an attraction there, based on age differences that you may be experiencing for the first time. Draw up a list of pros and cons about staying and about walking. See where that introspection leads you. Good luck and let us know how it goes!!

Lucky

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2004
In reply to: ithemistress
Sun, 05-30-2004 - 9:57pm
Thanks for the reply. I had thought about the adrenalin idea. Because he is that way, we both kinda are, I cant totally blame him. He is only two years older than me. As far as the pro's and cons I lose two friends and two great kids who think I'm wonderful and can do no wrong. I wish I could say I didnt know alot things that were going on at home , but his wife and I work together and alot of times I here way more than I want to know or probably need to know. Thats how he and I got to know each other. I'm not saying there is not an attraction there, because there is , he is defintly a good looking guy, have you ever met a fireman that wasnt! He even went so far one time as to introduce and set me up with some of his coworkers, but then when those dates didnt work out. We were back at square one again. I dont know one day I tell myself thats it I have had enough, I'm done with it. Then I get an email or something that reminds me of why we got together in the first place and well next thing I know we are comparing schedules and if were lucky we might get to see each other in a month. Some affair huh! For example, I have talked to him but I havent been with him since april, and its going on June. Believe it or not thats not uncommon for us. But when we are together is wonderful, its like we havent missed a minute, and we have so much in common its almost scary. I am still trying to work the whole thing out. I keep telling myself that it would wonderful if a nice single guy would come in right now and sweep me off my feet, but I just dont see that happening. he knows I would leave him in a heartbeat for that. I dont how he feels about it , but he knows. Thanks for reading/listening. I got to get some homework done and dog wants out.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-23-2004
In reply to: ithemistress
Mon, 05-31-2004 - 10:55pm
Lucky gave you an excellent answer. The only thing I want to add is that you have not experienced confusion or a whole other roller coaster ride of emotions until you become involved in an A.

You did not know if you loved this guy. Remove yourself from any situations that will give you the oportunity to develope stronger feelings.

You're single. Take your time and find the right person so neither one of you will find yourself in this kind of situation down the road.

Best of Luck

czy

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2004
In reply to: ithemistress
Tue, 06-01-2004 - 1:25am
Lucky & Czy have hit the head on the nail. I'd run as fast as you can from the EMA. You're in school, and sound pretty grounded at this point. An EMA can pull everything from under you. The family (wife & kids) trust you and you have a bond with them, don't screw this up! It's a rush that this guy is feeling now...

You guys have hit it off with the friendship, and probably should back off for a bit. He has guys at the station that he can conversate. Even if he is telling you "you're the only one I can tell this to., and I really appreciate you talking to me!" Bullcrap!

If you do choose to get into the EMA, be prepared! It's a roller coaster of UPS & DOWNS. Tears and emotions will hit you like you've never experienced before. Since you work for this family the chances of you two being caught are greater.

Just an opinion from someone looking in with the 3rd eye.

jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2004
In reply to: ithemistress
Tue, 06-01-2004 - 12:33pm
Everyone thinks I am so grounded and able to make my mind, but when it comes to this. I sit and shake my head. I have thought alot thought the last couple of days. For the most part I have decided I am pretty well through. I have to agree with luck and crzy and you. Its not worth it. He is a wonderful person, when in all reality its just a rush, who is it a rush for? When he gets caught , I dont want to be the one he gets caught with? And its just a matter of time before it happens. I was out shopping with the wife and kids yesterday. Yes I know sounds like something off of pretty woman doesnt it, thats what I was thinking the whole time. Unfortunately though, he is not richard gere and definetly not loaded!! We are all suppose to be going to the beach next week. He thinks what great fun, I think I will call an old boyfriend who has been emailing me, sound like good torture to you guys. Turn about is fair play right. I just got to keep my mind occupied and away from him. I already told his wife I would go so I cant back out now.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-23-2004
In reply to: ithemistress
Tue, 06-01-2004 - 7:04pm
I think your best option is to gracefully back out of this trip. If you cannot do that, then by all means take the ex-boyfriend with you.

My reasoning: I think you are still vulnerable as you have not had very much time to learn to live with this decision. Make every effort on this trip not to be alone with MM and allow yourself to become confused again.

I hope this helps. I really don't want to see you become involved in something like this, that can bring you a lot of emotional pain.

Czy

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2004
In reply to: ithemistress
Wed, 06-02-2004 - 2:57pm
Thats why I want to take J with me so that I am not alone with MM at any point in time. Because I know what will happen. At least with J. I know all there is, is friendship, maybe more at least no one risk getting hurt or worse ya know.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2004
In reply to: ithemistress
Thu, 06-17-2004 - 2:05pm
So here is what happened at the beach. No the ex- boyfriend did not get to go. His entire family did though, so that was somewhat of a distraction, but not much. He and the wife were fighting the first day. So I knew what that meant, run to me automatically. I held strong and ignored him. Unfortuanatly though that did not last. By day 5 at the beach he had, had enough of her complaining about his family every little thing and was making any and all excuses to be near me. I was making any and all excuses to be away. That night in hot tub we were alone. Nothing ended up happening much to his dismay, but not for lack of trying. I cant say I wouldnt have let, because like I have said before he can be very convincing. That night, he came downstairs to apologize and said he would make it up to me. Well the very next day,and the rest of the week he is flirting like crazy taking every oppurtunity. Stealing every moment. One night no less, convinced me to stay up and wait for the wife to go bed, so that we could have some time together. She never went to sleep good. I went on to bed. He came downstairs to supposedly "lock Up" kissed me good night and then promised when we got home he would make it all up to me. I just said ok, knowing full well , that wasnt going to happen. He did call me the sunday after we got home and said lets make plans to get together and finish what we started, " I will most definitly email or call you and let you know when" and I havent heard from him since. The wife tells me they havent done anything but fight and argue since they walked through the door since we got home. He has basically stayed at work. I dont know what to do. I feel like the saying in the movie( i dont remember which one) " shame on me, for kissing you with my eyes closed" i was doing fine and then I messed up. So now what do I do.